Fela: You Be Thief, I No Be Thief


Loud Whispers

So this long Easter break with nothing to really do, I went to go see Bolanle Austen Peters’ Fela. If you have not seen that show you have missed something. As I watched the show Uncle Lai’s List came to mind and that Fela’s immortal song came to my mind. Some people have called Fela a prophet, while I respect him I have never seen him in that light. But these days all he said before his dramatic death seems to be coming true. So PDP and APC have been releasing all sorts of lists and the way they are at it, the Duke of Shomolu would soon appear on one of these lists. They have been calling themselves ‘’thieves’’ and we in the public have just taken a back seat to enjoy the drama. The APC list is so tardy and bare, lacking in drama that one would almost yawn in sleep, but the PDP list is a little bit more exciting with the colourful characters that made the list. The APC one is predictable as we already have those names, while the PDP one is really the mark. Well, since both lists lack the credibility and depth we crave as Nigerians who are the true victims of all these thievery, in my capacity as the Duke of Shomolu I have started working on my own list and I tell you guys, you no say me no dey fear, my list will turn this Uncle Lai and PDP list into Nursery Rhyme and he go shake Nigeria. I will release it as part of the ceremonies to mark my 30th anniversary on the throne. Make una dey wait for the list, you will soon see it. Abeg, my only regret in all this is the fact that Fela Kuti is not with us for I would have loved to hear the song he would have composed for this Uncle Lai sef. I think he is out of his depth just yet and should take a breather. This his list is doing more damage to the government. Na who send am sef?

Ekweremadu: Show Your Face
I only see your pictures and small quips in the media but don’t really know you. I see that you have stood very loyal with your oga, the great Saraki. So the other day, while we were arguing over our very powerful WhatsApp political group aptly named the Duke’s Summit, someone mentioned your name as a potential vice presidential candidate running on a Saraki/Ekweremadu ticket. This suggestion lit the house and someone reeled out your brief profile. Now whether that ticket will see the light of the day is not my problem. But the fact that little is known about you by myself and I wonder just how you have managed to last this long in politics without my support. It was Nicholas o, that not-too-tall intellectual who gave us some details about you. He said you have a doctorate and that you have won elections at almost all levels with a deep intellectual focus. Well, I must tell you I was impressed and then decided to dig deeper. The more I look, the more impressed I am. Well, sir, let me tell you that I never knew you were this cerebral o, I just used to look at that your red cap. The one you wear almost daily and be wondering if you do not have another one. Well, thanks to Nicholas, I now have a better perspective of you and this I must tell you is a strong positive for you. Keep it up. We in Shomolu are, however, watching you very closely before we take a decision on you. Just try not to appear on any list o because that will be a deal breaker. Well done bro.

Sowore : Can You Please Sit Down
You see what poor performance in government can lead to. All sorts of characters will be creeping out of the holes in an attempt to distract us and further belittle the high office that is the Presidency. So this Sowore person really is interested in high office? Well, it remains his inalienable right as a true Nigerian and as enshrined in the constitution. But that is where it ends. Let me say it very clearly and boldly, forget the fact that the Presidency of Nigeria is looking as it is today. It is still a very highly prestigious and respectable office that only men, yes, men and in this context I mean both sexes can ever aspire to. We must not allow the seat to be denigrated to the point that anybody can just wake up from whatever dump they found themselves after a night of uproarious and binge drinking, and in a drunken stupor aspire to. For me, I am saddened by not only this Sowore’s reported ambition but the fact that the Presidency through years of abuse and recklessness has been so denigrated that every Musa, Ade and Emeka is now aspiring, even my landlord is thinking along that line. Where are our true leaders? I cry! Where are the men of timbre and calibre as Kingsley Mbadiwe, that colourful political stalwart, would say. Has Nigeria turned into a country where measly orphans and village comics can now stand up and want to be counted? Let me wax lyrically, ‘ohhhhhhhhhh Nigeria, where forth art thou, that you have lost your lustre’’. Kai it was Soyinka that called his generation wasted, mine is lost. Kai.

Fayemi Again?
You see, I am very reluctant to write this piece because some of you would think that I am doing bad belle. First, his very beautiful wife wrote a book and called it Loud whispers. The whole Shomolu yab me tire. If you are an ardent reader of this column you will know why. For months I was the butt of jokes not only in Shomolu but as far afield as Putin’s Russia. So when people started goading me to say something about this Fayemi”s ambition I was hesitant because they will be saying because I have something against him. Well, the truth is that we must all stand up and talk our mind no matter what. My lord, Chief Fayemi, please perish the thought. Just go back and sleep. After all, that is what it looks like you have been doing in your Solid Mineral Ministry. What have we done so wrong in this country such that even if we as the people don’t have sense even you our so-called leaders will not just pity us and self-check yourselves? Governor of Ekiti again for wetin na? Please my brother do not let me say much, because if I say what I am itching to say now, you will beat me. Abeg, spare us, let us have a new broom abeg. And this is not just for you but for all of the people who have been recycling themselves and foisting on us impunity and misgovernance. The campaign is coming as soon as I can get at least three people to start it. We will come after you guys. Till then, my brother just respect thyself and go home to your beautiful wife.

Ibrahim Mantu: Holy Spirit Pushed You
My lord, it was not you speaking that day on Channels TV when you were confessing. It was the Holy Spirit that was pushing you and I tell you, you were not speaking for yourself but the whole generation. God bless you. Did you notice how restless you were the previous night and how relieved you were after your diarrhea? I really am holding myself from all the anger I feel for you and your ilk especially what you have foisted on this country. You now, you are incompetent and do not have the necessary leadership skills but you will still go and rig as per your confession. God is on the throne. I will not say much as I am doing a full article on you and your confession as soon as I finish at the mechanic. Just calm down and wait, I am coming for you. Only in Nigeria.

Ken Etete:  A Worried Young Man
Ken is quiet and unassuming; highly successful and imbued with sound logic and depth. Spent over four hours with him spanning two days this last weekend, discussing leadership, empowerment of the youth and attempting to design a framework for consistent and penetrative intervention in society, both at political and economic levels. As he spoke, I sensed his frustration not with the leadership but the followership. His concerns are about the followers who despite all the raging storm cannot seem to understand the situation they find themselves. In all our discussions, his deep understanding of the issues especially economic issues kept hitting at me, I  must tell you. Ken is a deeply worried young man who is gearing to play a more participatory role in our national life. I wish him luck.