IBB: Sorry, I’m Not Interested


Loud Whispers

I received a call very late Sunday night. It was an international recruitment agent and they wanted to know if I would be interested in being our highly respected and influential former Military President’s new spokesperson. I did not think twice before I refused the offer and hung up. To make sure such does not come my way again, I have changed my number. See wahala o, these people are just very wicked and mischievous. Didn’t they see what happened or is still happening to my friend the Prince? This Prince has found himself in the middle of a whirlwind.

As I write, (Tuesday morning), I am just seeing a report that his arrest has been ordered. Whether they will arrest him or not is something I cannot say at this juncture. By the time you will be reading this over a cup of coffee if you are Gabriel Ogbechie, or over a plate of Afang and Fufu if you are Chike Ogeah, the whole saga like everything Nigerian would have simmered down and we would have moved on to the next issue. But to the actors and people like us who they are trying to drag into the matter will continue to feel the after-effects. But let me ask, will an experienced Spokesman who has been speaking for as long as I can remember, now wake up and issue such a powerful statement on his own without his principal’s knowledge? Now we do not even know which one to believe again with all this information flying around. They have said, IBB himself has come out to confirm the statement, despite another statement denying the first one. Mohammed, IBB’s nice son has also been dragged into the matter and then, stories of arrest or no arrest. You see why this spokesman work is not the best career move for me at this point. But there is a question, I want to ask o, why is arrest even coming up at all, shouldn’t it be IBB in whose name the ‘’fake’’ statement was issued that should be shouting libel or is it slander? Na Edward Koiki say I should ask this question o.

Olisa Metuh – Strecher and Ambulance Talk
Well, you know I can look for trouble and as my mother always reminds me, I really do not have the mind for the trouble when it eventually comes. But that will still not stop me from putting my mouth in a beehive. Last night, I watched my friend being stretchered into the court in a sad state. This stripping of the dignity of a man of that stature is really sad. I am not saying anything o. In fact, I am not the one writing this column. It is my fingers. I caught glimpse of his eyes and for that split second my heart broke. I cried. I swear, I truly cried. Olisa was a young handsome lawyer when I met him in Onikan long time ago. He was brilliant and had a beautiful wife. He was nationalistic and used to educate me on the intricacies of Nigerian politics. When he emerged Vice Chairman for the South East in PDP, he called and talked about his political sagacity. He was excited about his future and that of Nigeria. Today, he is being publicly humiliated in this manner and that has brought tears to my eyes. I do not know if we can comment on this matter being that there is a subsisting case in court. I am just looking at it from the point of human dignity. If a man shows cause that he is not physically fit for an appearance, I think he should be given that leeway to get himself in better shape for his appearance. I watched a documentary on the Boston bomber; at the point of their arrest, despite all the atrocities they had committed and were facing the death sentence, they were given all their rights and the best of medical attention. So na beg, as a small boy and someone who does not understand the intricacies of the law or those he may have offended, I really beg that no Nigerian, talk less of Olisa Metuh, should be publicly humiliated like that again under any circumstances. I am not fighting or shouting o. I am pleading. It is not good. God bless us all. Thank you. I am not in the country as I write. Let me know when it will be safe to return or make I kuku just remain for Uyo untill the coast is clear. Na wa.

Ambassador Kingibe – Noodle Brand Ambassador
I have seen a picture of my lord on a pack of noodle proclaiming his presidential ambitions. Now I really have to be very careful because things are just flying around the place but that makes for the excitement of Nigerian life. If we all can just see the humour in some of these things, tension will drop. A whole ambassador and almost vice president; remember he was the running mate of the presumed winner of the June 12, 1993 presidential elections to now be gracing the cover of the very popular noodle pack as a political brand ambassador! For me, the choice of which noodle to eat will not be affected by the picture of Chief Kingibe without make-up. I would rather go for the one with Genevieve Nnaji if for nothing else, her smile will just be aiding my digestion but the one that has Kingibe will only lead to constipation as I would just be remembering all the wahala we are facing in this country. But seriously, I would like to advise all consumers to avoid that particular noodle for I do not see the Indian owners of this brand agreeing to be dragged into politics in this brazen manner. What that means is that NAFDAC has to enter this matter because the chances that this particular noodle might not be fit for human consumption may be high. While we are at it, I will like to see some more brand ambassadors: Atiku on a pack of Brazilian hair, Buhari fronting a lipstick range, Tinubu on a pack of Cabin biscuit, OBJ on a pack of A4 photocopying paper. So, he can get free supplies for his letter-writing activities; and Senator Ben Bruce advertising Nokia 3310 since he likes to tweet. Nigeria we hail thee!

George Noah: A Consummate Professional
Mr. Noah is a respected individual. He was the head of the Lagos State agency in charge of outdoor advertising. A gentleman and consummate professional. I heard he had written a book on advertising and the last elections. I have gone to look for the book to buy and could not find it. In fact, the person who sold the last OBJ letters to me on the Third Mainland Bridge said that Mr. Noah’s book can only be found in Ekiti, Benue, Taraba and other Fulani herdsmen hotspots. Well, the book no important like that, I will look for it on a google. If I can’t find it, no problem. Kenny Ogungbe will soon write his own, I will buy that one.
Nigerian Bobsled Team
While we are here battling herdsmen and issuing and denying statements, a group of beautiful Nigerian ladies are doing us proud at the Winter Olympics. They are participating for the first time in the Olympics in bobsled. We used to do this bobsled in Shomolu those days. We would get planks from the nearby carpenters and use ’boris’ got from baba Yekini to do the carts with which we would now turn the streets into race tracks. The only thing that was missing was snow. We used to make do with Omo detergent and water on smooth cement surface to do our own bobsled race. So, you see why I am connecting with these ladies as colleagues. They did not wait for any government subvention or asked for any delegation that will fight for estacode. That is the spirit. That is how you make things happen. Congratulations, my ladies. Do you guys by any chance need a trainer?