Dr. Goodluck Ebele Jonathan: A Jolly Good Fellow

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He celebrated his 60th birthday during the week. Although I did not see any picture of him with mummy who I want to believe with all this wahala with EFCC was really not in a mood to celebrate. Anyway, our daddy turned 60 and all his children both biological and political all came together to wish him well on this special day. I will also not be left out in sending my congratulatory message. Moving from a shoeless wanderer to the Presidency is definitely not ‘’goodluck’’ as some observers would want to say. Daddy has been imbued with some qualities that the rest of us can only pray for.

Daddy as you celebrate this wonderful age, I would like to admonish you to kindly look critically at just one issue that besets us in this country and devote the rest of your life to tackling it. What I have seen since you left office is a seeming confusion as to what role you should play going forward. You have oscillated between an international speaker and a peace ambassador while also showing a deft move to withstand pressure to recontest. Let me say something about this pressure, that is the kind of pressure we call ‘’yeye pressure’’ in Shomolu. That is the kind of pressure when you are about to fight a big hoodlum and he draws a line in the sand and dares you to cross it. Your supporters will now be pushing you to cross the line knowing full well that it would be suicidal if your toe makes the mistake of touching the line talk less of your full body crossing it. You yourself know that you will not dare cross the line but your supporters will be singing your praises and egging you on; pushing you towards the line to your seeming death. That is the kind of pressure, these your supporters are putting on you.

My Lord no give in o, no even try am o because if you do, that would be like dancing naked with honey rubbed all over your scrotum in a forest filled with soldier ants. You can imagine what would happen to you in the circumstances. Well, after careful thought and deep reflection, I may have found a course that would suit your demeanour and qualifications. I have found a project that would throw you back into the good books of Nigerians and give you deserved and much-sought after international recognition and give you the fulfilment your years in the Presidency did not give you. I think you should be appointed the Commissioner of Education in Kaduna. Yes, as a former university lecturer you will be in a better position to work with El-Rufai as he attempts to reform that sector filling over 20,000 vacancies and putting strong structures that will ensure better foundations for our people. This would be beyond party lines because as a statesman, you are expected to fly above such narrow prisms. Please think about this offer very deeply and let me know if you would be open to it, so I can discuss with Mallam over the weekend and see how we can make this a possibility. Oya ball is in your court, let us know your thoughts urgently. Happy birthday sir, don’t mind me, I can be like this at times.

Julian Osula : “A Well-Deserved Shout-Out’’
Once in your life, you meet someone who will change your outlook in life within minutes of meeting him. This is what happened to me the day I met Julian; a hulk of a man but as gentle as gentle can be. I had gone to prospect him for business. You guys know that I am truly an investment banker, all this Duke of Shomolu wahala na just for show o. Na lie, there is no money there o. If I do Duke of Shomolu only, na kwashiorkor go kill me. So I walked into Julian’s office for the first time in my life and I met a sweet gentleman. He shook my hand and listened to me intently without saying a word and when I was through, he offered me coffee. No be coffee I find come this morning, I had been warned that if I did not win this mandate I should face Shomolu. So I kindly declined the coffee. He then told the story of his life with his weather-beaten Volkswagen Beetle car and how by hard work and fate, he found fulfilment.

He ended by saying that it was his humble beginnings that have defined his perception of life. I was really touched and felt inspired because here was this bear of a man, with all you can imagine in material wealth but with the humility to sit me down and spend hours trying to sell to me the true essence of life. Anyway, I did not get the mandate but I found a friend that day and surprisingly as I drove off, his message began to sink in and today I remember those words with so much clarity that you would think I was listening to the Dalai lama. I was pleasantly surprised when in the run-up to my play, Isale Eko, Julian called wanting to know if the Joseph Edgar he reads every Saturday in Thisday, the one that calls himself the Duke of Shomolu was the same bowtie-wearing freak that came to his office years back. I quickly agreed o, you know people have started stealing people’s identity. He said he was really impressed with my writings, mbok, who is not – and that he would support me in any way he could. I wanted to ask for that wristwatch he was wearing that day, but then I would not be able to afford the body guards that I would need to follow me around.

So I just respected myself and kept quiet. He asked when the play was coming up and that he would send his own support. When the support came, I immediately stopped looking for sponsorship. I tell you o. I just called that person at NB plc, he knows himself o. The guy dribbled me to eternity and gleefully told him not to worry again that God would bless him and his Dutch ogas and that I would be sending them VIP tickets to come and see the show. These corporate communications people. I will still yab them one day. Well, today is for Julian, he never came for the show, who needed him? He had done the most important thing. He no need to come again. I was grateful. But the lesson today is not his magnanimity to me but his philosophy of life. He spoke to me for two hours and lifted my spirit and refocused me on the true essence of life. The talk was that spiritual. I think Julian is doing the world a great disservice by not coming out to let the world drink from his deep well. I just felt I should send out this shout-out to this baba. Some people are quietly doing their own thing in this world. Well done, sir.

Daddy Freeze, the Pastors and Tithing: Joining the Fray
If you noticed, I have deliberately not commented on this matter because I am a pastor pikin. But the recent report that a pastor cursed Freeze on this matter giving him a specified time to die has brought out my angst. Please, sir, wherever you are, please add me to the curse. Yes, my name is Edgar Joseph, the Duke of Shomolu. Put my name on that list, let me join hands with Freeze and die for the truth. Me, I do not know the Bible. The last time I even opened the Bible was when I got a letter from Area F to come, that my name was mentioned in an investigation. I called my mama in Uyo who advised me to pray and read Revelation. So I read and went straight to the station. So I will not join this fight quoting any Bible portion but will join with common sense. The bobo is taking you guys out with copious logic and strong facts from the Bible and all you guys can come back with is a curse. Which kind curse? The other day I watched another big pastor who was enmeshed in some sex scandal recently saying that he has a PhD in theology and as such will not and cannot be dragged into a debate with Freeze.

See, we are getting tired of this cult of Pharisees who parade themselves as pastors, living off our collective wealth. The young man that attempted to reform the sector, yes it is a business sector with the kind of wealth that is being generated, he was hounded out of office; simply because he had sought to demarcate the position of spiritual head with chief executive officer. Mbok, this tithing, we are tired. If government will not do anything about it then the people should wake up and smell the coffee. The Muslims set up their Sukuk bringing about a banking system that shares profits and losses and is open to all faith and these charlatans have the guts to scream that they are Islamising Nigeria. Have you tried to collect a loan from a micro finance bank owned by a church? Just try it. They charge 60% per annum and woe betide you that you default, you will find yourself in the gutter all from our tithes. Me I have joined this fight, I no kuku dey pay the tithe. Have you gone to check school fees in their schools built from your tithe? God is alive and he will stand by truth and justice. Freeze nothing do you. You will not die.

You will live long to continue to say the truth. I stand with you and we are plenty standing with you. God will fight for us. #nomoretithes. Let us pay taxes instead of these tithes. Any pastor that tries me on this matter will have himself to blame o. Me I don’t know how to use spiritual warfare, my own is Shomolu own o. I will come to your church stark naked with my poster standing there with a billboard asking for answers. Na wa. Enough is enough. Come out and let us debate. I challenge all you so-called great pastors, come out of your Limousines, Rolls Royces and gold mansions, let us debate. Freeze is ready, I am ready, Nigerians are ready; why the fear shebi you know Bible, let us talk. We are ready. Kai. scam.

The Bello Murder: Needless Crime of Passion
We have been rudely awakened to the news of the murder of this young man (I hear he was a nephew to the former PDP Chairman) by his wife because of a text message he could not explain. When the news broke, I came out with guidelines for the cheating man to adhere to if he did not want to end up like poor young Bello. The guidelines have gone viral as I have received so many phone calls from men thanking me for the guidelines and also seeking to get some more coaching since this pastime is now a matter of life and death. Well, seriously this matter has thrown up two issues – domestic violence where the man is the victim and mental illness. Shebi I have been screaming since that until we trace the actual root cause of this vile behaviour we will not solve it.

I have stated in various fora that men are more victims than women and the fact that the woman usually comes out physically bruised does not in any way mean that she is not a prime mover in the wahala. So many men have been suffering in silence while the champion feminists have been going to town using their feminine wiles to get government to enact jaundiced laws to deal with a man who slaps, forgetting to address the cause of the matter. Many men have languished in jail and societal persecution simply because they have failed to contain the psychological torment and taunts and have gone ahead to physically molest their partners. Nobody listens to them, once you have slapped, that is it o. I am a victim, I will not pretend. I heard how my mother, my mama wey born me na prostitute and witch almost everyday from my wife for eight years.

I cry o, I beg o, I shout o, I tell everybody but what they would say, ‘’na woman, you know how dem dey talk. One day, I slap and na Alausa I find myself. I thank God that it is not now otherwise it would have been another story we would be hearing – I even hope the law is not retroactive o, before one over-enthusiastic activist will go and put me in trouble. This is just gist to illustrate my point o, till today, I am still seen as the aggressor and not the victim. This Bello guy was mentally tortured, physically attacked and in all of this I am sure they would still have been telling him, ‘na woman, no vex’’. Today, he has lost his life and the feminists with their jaundiced laws against domestic violence remain helpless and naked.

If we do not look at this matter holistically in a much more robust fashion, we will continue to see this kind of wahala in this country. Secondly, mental illness must have played a role in this matter. A lot of people are walking around mentally challenged, but as a result of the stigma placed on this type of illness by society and the lack of our medical infrastructure to handle and diagnose this case, we continue to expose ourselves to cases like this or how else can you explain a Muslim woman who was most likely nurtured with the fact that she belongs to a religion and culture that encourages polygamy will now go and kill her hubby because of a text? She should be checked.

It is not normal, I tell you. Well, as they say a word is enough for the wise. I have deleted all errant texts from my phone, bought a second phone that only one babe in Shomolu near the canal who sells isi ewu knows the number and I have even saved her name as my mother which is a major repellent to avoid this kind thing. Me, I cannot shout. My phone is now a no-go area to my wife and it doesn’t even enter the house with me, I lock it up in the spare tyre compartment of the car. These are interesting times.