Nnamdi Kanu: Don’t Worry, You Dey Kampe


It was former President Olusegun Obasanjo who made this phrase popular. When asked about his health, he retorted with this legendary remark. Today, I want to state my undying love for Nnamdi Kanu. For me this man is a leader, a mobiliser and a great philosopher. I have watched him very closely in the last two years. His utterances and passion for his beliefs continue to elicit a lot of admiration from not only me but from a lot of people especially the down-trodden who now see in him their salvation. Expectedly, his popularity has drawn a lot flak from enemies, those who fail to understand his message and they have continued to rail against him, even threaten his life. But that is the point despite all of these, my hero Nnamdi has remained steadfast with his message which has seen his followers double and increase by the day. For me, I swear by him and there is nothing anybody will say or do that will make me change my mind about such a gifted mobiliser and lover of the masses’. I  am not afraid to state here that on Nnamdi Kanu I stand and will surely give my life in my support for him.

My people, before the Python dance people start dancing towards me o, let me clarify the Nnamdi Kanu I am talking about o. This one no be IPOB own o, this one sells okrika in Shomolu by Abiodun street junction near my mother’s former chemist shop. This one is from Ohafia unlike the other one who they say is from Umahia. It is the Shomolu Nnamdi I am hailing o, simply because he has supported our move to reduce our PHCN bill. A bill that keeps going up in direct opposite to the number of days we see power in our homes. Mr. Kanu who is very short and dark and married to someone from Kogi State has led the crusade against this wickedness and everyday as I watch him rail against the PHCN people who would have climbed the pole in their attempt to carry out their devilish plot of pulling down the wires, I cannot help but admire his courage as he stands there waving his receipt and shouting, ‘’biko, I have paid my bill o, it is those Calabar people in the next house that have not paid’’.  Abeg, I hope I have made a clear distinction between the Kanu I am admiring and the one that the Python is looking to bite. Abeg, my mama is a widow, I no fit cry.

Uncle Lai Mohammed: Where Forth Art Thou
I have decided to go Shakespearean on you simply because in all the hullabaloo going on in the country, I have simply not seen you and this is really sad. Let me tell you clearly why I am not particularly happy with you. You see what that boy Nnamdi Kanu has done is to play with the minds of the dislocated citizens by sheer focus-minded game. He has succeeded in mobilising a large swath of his people without any real structure and made them believe that simply by kneeling down and kissing his toes they will become angels in his mythical Biafra. My Lord, this is a fight of the mind and when you add poverty and ignorance or how else do you explain his assertion that Buhari is from Sudan – to the mix, you get a complete zombification of the people. How did Kanu succeed in launching such a ‘successful’ onslaught on the people, capturing their imagination and today, becoming the single dominating factor in our human life? He has singlehandedly made life uncomfortable for the whole 180 million of us without having the kind of structure and resources that you have at your disposal.

My dear Uncle, no matter the number of pythons we unleash on him and his ilk we cannot win the battle unless we face him squarely in his own game which is a battle of the conscience. I am wondering why you are not triggering a massive campaign for national rebirth, a massive dissemination of information and sermons showing that we are better off as one country than a divided entity, no matter the structural imbalance that every region is facing. If you run through social media you will see all sorts of misplaced and misinterpreted ‘facts’ that continue to widen the schisms. Today, we are so divided that every region is crying of marginalisation, including the Hausa/Fulani that we all grew up thinking that they are getting the best in the ;contraption’’. South West, South East, North everybody is crying of marginalisation and I am beginning to wonder who actually is causing the marginalisation, abi na Satan? My dear Uncle, I believe you should wake up to your responsibility and lets move away from your Chukwumerijiesque pronouncement of those causing the confusion being disgruntled politicians which in my estimation is grotesquely flat and put in place a robust and concise programme of national re orientation using the 75 million Nigerians who throng the Internet daily as your initial target.

Please sir, you need to move fast otherwise if the regressive Kanus of this world succeed in killing the Nigerian dream with their shallow hate-filled diatribe, I, joseph Edgar the Duke of Shomolu and by the grace of God the Asiwaju of Ibibioland and the Akamba Ette Isong of Nsit Ibom will personally hold you responsible. I have said my own and I have gone back to the other room to see if I will get some service. By the way, what advice will you give in this my situation where the Duchess of Shomolu has withdrawn her services in the other room simply because the chop money is no longer as regular with her refusing all entreaties to be patient that the Statistician General has announced that we are out of recession and that we should all be patient before we start feeling the impact. The woman no hear o. She say make I go sleep with Statistician General o. Frustration! want kill me o.

Senator Adeleke : Dance Steps of the Python
While the country is in turmoil, this my paddy was allegedly shown in faraway Atlanta dancing his heart away. This week, another virile video emerged of my paddy dancing like his life depended on it. Me, I just love this guy. He behaves as if he has no care in the world. Here is hoping that the video was not doctored; you know these days of high technology, anything can happen o and one must be careful before someone takes me to court. I never fit pay school fees talk less of paying lawyer fees. But let me describe what I saw. I saw someone that looked like Senator Adeleke grab the microphone, stretch one hand in the air, shook his head like he had an epileptic fit and started whining his waist like Michael Jackson used to do, then he moved from this to the monkey dance; here he opened his eyeballs and stared at the camera, shaking his bum, he started hopping up and down and in all these coordinating his steps with the song he was singing. Making a 360 twist, he shuffled to the back, ran to the stage, ran back and the audience paved the way exactly like in the Bible where God divided the Red sea for the children of Israel for the Senator to gyrate in between the watching crowd.

Sweat was pouring from his face as he bent down to hold his knees in a bid to rest awhile before he collapsed while performing this  national duty. My people, I enjoyed this video and I have been using it as my work out video trying to emulate his dance steps in a bid to keep fit. But one funny thing happened, as I was dancing and copying the Senator, my last child, Zara started crying and ran to her mum in terror screaming , ‘electric has shocked my daddy’’ the whole family ran out only to see me shaking and wriggling while watching the Senator and they all busted out laughing. For this our Baba, all the talk of marginalisation, recession, power shift no concern am o. E ma jo lo sir. Na you biko. We love you.

Mudi Celebrates Festus Keyamo
If you drive past the Anthony Village studio of talented designer Mudi, you will see a large-size photograph of recently minted Senior Advocate of Nigeria – Sir Festus Keyamo on his iconic wall. Now, before I yab him let me add that Mudi is busy turning that wall into a space to immortalise some of the greatest African children. I know for a fact that Nelson Mandela, Stephen Keshi and other iconic people have graced that wall. So now na Keyamo and the reason is simple. My father before he died told me very clearly that for you to live a fulfilling life in Nigeria today, you will need a good doctor, a top police officer, a native doctor and a powerful lawyer. This advice rings very true and this is Mudi’s attempt at dragging this voracious fighter close o or how will he refuse to come and bail you at the police station when his picture is boldly placed on the wall of your studio.

This Mudi think say he get sense but then again in this Nigeria that we are today, do you blame him when you can wake up in the morning and with no warning end up in a cell in the night simply because you happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. With Keyamo on your side, you will have that side covered. But even this Keyamo, me I am not happy with him abeg. The other day at the EFCC office in Ikoyi (please do not ask me wetin I find go there, it is coming out in chapter four of my biography. I have seen things in this country) he drove in and I made to greet him, he did not answer me o. He ignored me and in anger I contemplated writing to the President of the Nigerian Bar Association to complain. But on second thought, I forgave him and made do with kicking his tyres when he had safely entered the building. Anyways, Mudi has celebrated him and I also reluctantly congratulate him for his promotion. He truly is a great son forget my bad belle.

Emperor Dino Malaye : Partying as Rome Burns
I just joined Instagram o. You know at my age you try to catch up on these things. My teenage daughter is on Instagram so I made it a point of duty to be following her before all these useless paedophiles go and grab her. That is how I mistakenly went to start following this Kogi senator who is facing a recall. Daily, the kinds of post this baba posts on his Instagram page, you will think he is a rock artists o. Today shorts, tomorrow bandana, next tomorrow camouflage . Then the carnival appearances, the posing with luxury cars and clothes you will think he does not have a care in the world. This is narcissistic at its highest. All this while, INEC is sharpening the knife to cut short his career at the Senate. But my people na lie o, na shakara; I can bet my last kobo that those pictures are just a show so that we will not think he is worried. I can swear at night he will be shaking in his Gucci underwear and be praying for a solution. Well, his wahala; my PHCN bill just hit me, N45,000 for the month of August. Kai, Fasholaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!