PRESIDENT BUHARI : Daddy oyoyo!!! 

Loud Whisper

Those days, when my dad came back from his usually long days out of the house, my only sister, Gloria, who is today one of the most beautiful women in this country; Kai, you should see her light skin and gait. She is so fine that….wait, this article is not about my sister abeg but let me just mention before I leave her, she has a tooth-gap smile and her eyes are the most bewitching. You should see her when she has finished for church; she usually looks like a sweet Akwa Ibom goddess. My sister is beautiful o, but wait let me finish my talk abeg. So as my dad would blare the horn of his Peugeot 504 car, my sister would run out with all sorts of stories of things that happened in my dad’s absence. She would just be singing like a canary.

I used to feel like taping her mouth and locking her up in the wardrobe where my mum used to keep her shoes. I used to be the main victim of those reports: “Daddy, Joe took meat from the pot,  “daddy joe jumped the fence to go talk to the neighbour’s housemaid,”  daddy Joe gave the neighbour’s housemaid a tin of milk.” I used to wish we could sell her to the itinerant mallams who came to exchange old cloths for those plastic coolers that my mother used to love so much. But today as the ever-popular President returns or how do you explain the horde of Nigerians who lined the streets to welcome him back? I suddenly feel like my sister all over again. I  feel like running out of my Shomolu castle to daddy to report all that had been happening while he was away. Although I am very sure that Uncle Lai would have beaten me to it but I will still do my own after all, amebo no be monopolistic endeavour. It is a free entry and free exit business.

My dear daddy, in your absence, a lot happened o. Your brilliant deputy grew grey hair o. I am sure when you first saw him you must have been shocked at the way he has aged. But do you blame him with all the wahala that comes with running this our country? The man try. Hope you brought a box of chocolate for him? While you were away, CharlyBoy, (remember that lip-stick wearing and skull-loving former musician?) went everywhere fainting in his bid to get you back. Well, he was chased away from the Wuse market, thanks to the traders. I think you should pay a thank-you visit to the market to appreciate the traders who stood by you. Forget that the whole thing took an ethnic colouration, the truth is that Charly Boy was thrown out of the place. Nnamdi Kanu kept on his struggle despite bail conditions but it is looking like his mission is becoming funny, today he will ban Anambra elections, tomorrow he will unban it. I think you should just ignore him. Fayose was alleged to have threatened to commit suicide if you came back. He has now denied saying that, but no problem, please draw him close to you. He is your son. Pay him a visit in Ekiti and take an Okada ride round the city so that you can better understand him. He means well, I tell you.

Sir, now that you are back, I think you should not stress yourself too much o. Let Osinbajo continue abeg, so you can rest o. Life is more than all this Nigerian wahala. The wahala did not start today and you cannot end it within  your tenure. Please do not forget to take your drugs regularly, do morning jogs. You can jog from Aso Rock to the Airport and back; drink a lot of water. Do not read Saharareporters so as not to stress yourself, avoid the National Assembly, those ones are another kettle of fish. Visit Obudu Cattle Ranch and spend 30 days there, the temperate climate there will further aid your continuous healing. Listen to a lot of Nigerian music to further soothe your soul. The music you listen to must reflect national character as all the geo-political zones of the nation must be reflected in your choice of music. But if I was to advise you, do a lot of Timi Dakolo and avoid Olamide’s latest video, the smoke in that video is too much and will not assist you as you recover. Also try not to listen to Davido’s especially that one the boy was boasting about N30b in his account. I swear knowing syou very well as you finish listening na Magu you go first call.

My lord welcome back, I personally remain enamoured with your continued popularity despite the suffering we have faced during your time and the seeming inability of your government to tackle some of these issues especially the economy, joblessness, despair and poverty. Boko Haram attacks are increasing and the militants in the Niger Delta are warming up for another round of violence. The war against corruption is looking like it is derailing. Despite all these, you still remain quite popular if you consider the way Nigerians of all walks of life have reacted to your return. The contradiction is amazing. So I would like to seriously challenge you to ride on this new-found wave of popularity to make things happen for us. Suffer deythis country o. Anyway, welcome back and I wish you well sir.

SENATOR BEN MURRAY-BRUCE: The threatened recall

Me I have tried to avoid yabbing this my brother. The last time I mentioned him on this page, I got a call from his people and we had a lovely conversation after which I promised myself to be nice and gentle with the amiable senator. But as I was looking for something to write with my brain going into mute mode, I stumbled on a small piece in a national newspaper reporting that student leaders in his constituency have given the senator 10 days to change his ways, otherwise they would commence a recall process. These people no get sense o. They have been blessed with such a handsome senator dem come dey complain, what else do they want? Have they seen what my senator looks like? These Bayelsa youths should go and sit down, haven’t they seen the eloquence of their senator? Haven’t they listened to him speak? This is one of the most eloquent senators in the chamber today and he should not be threatened like this. I am hoping this report is not true o because any attempt to destabilise my friend will be viewed as an attempted attack on me, the Duke of Shomolu which would be met with concurrent reprisal. I stand with the senator. Nobody should threaten him o, the man has been the custodian of common sense and this is not a small task. With Senator Bruce I stand. My brother, I don defend you now o. Can I take this write-up to the cinema and ask for a free ticket as a reward for this my support? It is just common sense.

HARRY EBOHON: New Kid on the Block

Forget the “kid” in the title of this piece. Harry is not a kid at all o. The man old small. But today, I want to celebrate his industriousness for he has built an empire almost from nothing. Trading under the Oando brand and now his own Propetrol brand, Harry has been able to put about 300 Nigerians under his employment, while securing a multi billion- naira oil and gas conglomerate which should be looking at the stock market listing any time soon. That I respect his business acumen and his resolve to meaningfully contribute to the economic development of this country cannot be discounted.  Today, he is looking at a massive expansion programme which should see more Nigerians taking part through his Propetrol in the downstream retail distribution platform that he is building. This new initiative of which he has refused to give me the full details, but you trust me na, I have learnt, would involve over 500 Nigerians having a stake in his empire through a well thought-out public participatory scheme, thereby creating more jobs, redistributing wealth and generally impacting society. The only problem with Harry is that anytime I am in his office, he will give his cook signal not to bring his lunch until I leave, but as a cunning Duke of Shomolu, I will just pretend I am going and immediately I leave, the cook will serve his lunch; I will just rush back and seeing me through the CCTV, he will be rushing the meat but my speed usually baffles him as I would have jumped in before he puts the second meat in his mouth. I will now shout billionaire Harry, na meat we dey fight for?

We will now laugh and sit down to a good lunch. But on my last visit, I found out that Harry had reviewed his security, changed the personnel to ensure that his lunch is not compromised. I forgive him. The most important thing is that unlike our hapless lecturers who are still waiting for government handouts, young men like Harry are making things happen.  Great guy.

 

ASUU STRIKE: Enter the Dragons

My bro o distribute 10,000 loaves of bread or do I go to the next meeting on Okada and share Akara? I have even worn jeans and T-shirt to present my speech and have sworn that the incumbent president, Mr. Olumide Lala has incurable rashes on his bum bum. All to no avail. Frustration is catching me o. My brother please come to my aid, we have to conquer these people o. If I try civilian tactics he no work, I go cross to the other side o . aaaaaaah am I appealing to the right person, shouldn’t I be talking to the Jagaban himself? Abeg, where is this keke Marwa we have to head up to the Lion of Bourdilon? Yes o, these ones are pre-historic. Just like the fossil animals they themselves taught us in school, they have allowed their brains go extinct and frozen up. Relying on very old theories and ways of thinking, they have continued to hit their heads on the wall, expecting the wall to shift which you will agree with me is impossible. I have since lost respect for lecturers especially their leaders. My in-law, Professor Mowete will kill me o, but my love for his sister and the possible withdrawal of her services in the ‘other room’ will not stop me from making my point in the most forceful manner that I can muster. You see, anytime I hear that lecturers are going on strike to fight for the same things they have been fighting for since they themselves were students, I get really upset. As perceived custodians of knowledge, I remain stupefied at their crass inability to see that the world has changed and moved on, leaving them behind with their tired theories and syllabuses. Fighting for increased government funding and welfare not only beats my imagination but also makes me start to understand why even my driver is looking for money to send his child to school abroad. ASUU has shown with these continued annual fights that they have lost the plot and also, relevance. I swear they need to all go have a collective rethink of their position in society for if they continue like this, we will only choose to ignore them. Today, government can no longer afford to keep funding tertiary education and the fight should be a total disengagement of government and the entry of private investors. Simple! Is this so hard for these our so-called eggheads to see? In recession with significant drop in government revenues, inflation and paucity of funds, government is forced to prioritise in a bid to achieve a balance in  expenditure. So do you blame government when they put defence, health and agriculture ahead of education in their order of priority? When you are now fighting for increased salary as against the need to push more funds into power or the fight against Boko Haram, you will not blame government if you are ignored.  The government should sell all these schools to the highest bidders and convert the NUC into a true regulatory body, providing guidelines and ensuring a responsible oversight environment for all stakeholders. Private money should be running education, the time for government involvement is over and if these lecturers cannot see this, how they will be able to teach and guide our children beats me. So ASUU please, commission a research work to look into government’s withdrawal from education and that way, you will find your Eldorado. The problem is the laziness of some of these our lecturers, people who still rely on research reports commissioned when Jonathan was running around without shoes to lecture in today’s world – where information is moving per second per second. Their fear is that they may not be able to attract private funding which chases quality and is guided by the forces of demand and supply. ASUU, you guys have lost the plot, kindly take a step back and smell the coffee. Let me leave you guys with this: I just recruited a young genius in my office. He attended the University of Benin where he studied something like creative arts. During the interview, I noticed a two-year lag period in his Curriculum Vitae and when I asked, he said he realised after graduating that he wasted four years of his life in school and that by the time he graduated, the world had passed him by. So he spent the next two years to re-educate himself on the internet at home and now he felt he can come out to face the world. You see!!!!! make una dey fight for better salary and welfare, your students are seeking for knowledge elsewhere. I just tire for these people.