THE ALTERNATIVE STORY
ByÂ Reno Omokri
President Muhammadu Buhari must be congratulated because he has set a new Guinness World Record: President Buhari has become the first elected president of a country to become resident of another nation while still in power! Shame on all those haters who say President Buhari has not achieved anything in over two years of being in office. Is this not an achievement?
And where are all those shameless critics who keep comparing President Trump to President Buhari? The two of them are not mates at all.
Not only is President Muhammadu Buhari older than President Donald Trump, in a comparison between them on an elementary matter like jobs, we find that according to the latest US job report from the United States Department of Labour, the US economy has added 1,074,000 under President Trump while according to the Nigerian Bureau of Statistics, the Nigerian economy lost 4.58 million jobs in President Buhariâ€™s first year!
This is no mean task! It is easy to do what Trump did and make jobs appear, but it is much harder to do what President Buhari has done and make jobs that someone produced disappear!
And as President Muhammadu Buhari continues to make London Nigeriaâ€™s new Federal Capital Territory, his rapidly shrinking horde of supporters want us to feel sorry for him by selling the narrative that what is happening to him could happen to anyone.
That is true enough, but make no mistake, President Buhari does not deserve our sympathy. When the shoe was on the other foot, he called on the Executive Council of the Federation to declare the late President Yarâ€™adua incapacitated and failing that, for the Senate to impeach him.
His exact words on March 9, 2009 were, â€œIf the Executive Council of the Federation had acted in accordance with the constitution, by invoking the necessary sections to declare the President incapacitated, we would not have found ourselves in this present situation.â€
Again, when he thought he could be sanctimonious without proving his sainthood, he decried the practice of government officials going abroad at public expense for medical treatment.
His exact words on April 27, 2016 were, â€œWhile this administration will not deny anyone of his or her fundamental human rights, we will certainly not encourage expending Nigerian hard-earned resources on any government official seeking medical care abroad.â€
Today he is spending his 96th day in London and â€œexpending Nigerian hard-earned resourcesâ€ on himself. If these are not prima facie evidence of hypocrisy, then I am as old as Robert Mugabe!
And I must say that I was not really surprised that the Buhari administration brutalised popular musician, Charly Boy and his #ResumeorResign group who were beaten, tear-gassed and slapped at the Unity Fountain on Tuesday the 8th of August, 2017.
What less can one expect from an administration that killed 347 shiite men, women, children and infants in cold blood on December 15, 2015?
The incident at the Unity Fountain involving Charly Boy and others only proves that dictators may grow old, but they do not grow into democrats!
And the Senate lost a chance to side with Nigerians when it described the Charly Boy-led group as â€œunreasonableâ€.
If Charly Boyâ€™s group is unreasonable for demanding that President Muhammadu Buhari #ResumeOrResign, was President Buhari also unreasonable when he demanded that the late President Yarâ€™adua resume or be impeached on March 9, 2010?
President Muhammadu Buhari himself, his side kick, Nasir El-Rufai, and other top shots of the present All Progressives Congress-led government protested against the Jonathan administration but were never tear-gassed or harassed!
In the case of El-Rufai, woe betide you if you dare hold a press conference in Kaduna. You may end up being treated worse than Senator Shehu Sani and his guests!
I mean, we are not allowed to see President Muhammadu Buhari. We are not allowed to hear from President Buhari. We are not allowed to protest against President Buhari. Yet President Buhariâ€™s government wants us to pray for President Buhariâ€™s health!
And the most ridiculous part of the saga is that the Presidency has the guts to tell Nigerians that it is disrespectful to ask after the Presidentâ€™s health status and that he is entitled to his privacy as a â€˜private citizenâ€™.
Is the Presidency not ashamed to call President Muhammadu Buhari â€˜a private citizenâ€™? He is staying at â€˜Abuja Houseâ€™ not â€˜Buhariâ€™s House and we the citizens of Nigeria are paying for his treatment. He is NOT a private citizen. Yesterday, he released a statement condemning the Ozubulu massacre and assuring us of our safety. Which private citizen does that?
Nigeria is tired of a part-time President. Nigeria is tired of a freelance President. Nigeria is tired of a private-citizen President!
In fact, I suddenly feel inspired to write a book titled, How To Identify A Dictator: He uses your tax money to pay for his medical treatment, yet you are not entitled to know his medical condition. When it suits him, he is a public official. When it does not, he transforms to a private citizen. Yet, his government instructs you to pray for him. No, I am not talking of Kim Jong-Un here!
That President Muhammadu Buhariâ€™s Anambra statement assuring Nigerians of their safety though! How can a private citizen in London assure other private citizens in Nigeria of their safety? And what is the point in having an acting President in charge when the London-based private-citizen President is issuing statements? Has he resumed from London? Nigeria is getting mixed signals from the Presidency. Has the President resumed from London or is the acting President still acting?
President Muhammadu Buhari wrote to the National Assembly to make Professor Yemi Osinbajo acting President, yet he is still releasing statements as Nigeriaâ€™s President. Is he a freelance President? Osinbajo is either in charge until President Buhari returns or he is not in charge at all. In fact, I donâ€™t know why people still pay to watch Game of Thrones on Cable TV when they can watch it for free at Aso Rock.
And a week after it became public knowledge that an anti-Igbo hate song is circulating in parts of Nigeria, we have radio silence from the Presidency. Vacationing President Muhammadu Buhari, who condemned the Ozubulu killings in a statement, has nothing to say about the anti-Igbo hate song. How wonâ€™t the anti-Igbo hate song take root when the Arewa Youths who gave the Igbo quit notice are walking around freely in public? In the wake of the anti-Igbo song, I remind the Buhari administration that we have not forgotten the speed of their one-sided arrest during the Ife Yoruba/ Hausa clash!
Obviously, this administration is very quick to go after real or imagined enemies of the Buhari administration but is slow to act against Nigeriaâ€™s enemies, if at all they even act.
Look at the difference in the way they treated the Charly Boy group and the Arewa Quit Notice group. Look at the speed at which they arrested the Buhari dog man. But what have they done against Fulani herdsmen?
According to The PUNCH Newspaper, half of Nigeriaâ€™s 71 million hectares of arable farmland is not being cultivated because farmers have abandoned their farms due to the activities of herdsmen. In Benue State alone, the governor says 1800 farmers have been killed by herdsmen in the last three years (no wonder he says we are all sick because of Buhariâ€™s sickness). According to the Global Hunger Index, the Jonathan administration reduced hunger in Nigeria from 16.3 in 2005 to 15 points in 2013 (please Google it).
But guess what? Under the Buhari administration according to the latest Global Hunger Index, 32.9 per cent of Nigerian children under the age of five suffered stunted growth due to hunger and malnutrition. By halting attacks by herdsmen, the Buhari administration can immediately and dramatically increase the amount of food grown in Nigeria and push prices down. Yet what is this administration doing to halt the herdsmen crisis? I do not know. If you do, maybe you can tell me!
When you hear someoneâ€™s success story, donâ€™t get jealous. Instead, get zealous about creating your own success story. If your friend is â€˜jealousâ€™ of your success story, know that he was never your friend. He was a fake friend. So how do you deal with fake friends? Fake friends always desert sinking ships. So if you want to identify your fake friends, just pretend that your ship is sinking #RenosNuggets.