Goodluck Jonathan: I Know the Thieves


Loud Whispers

Let me first send my sympathies to you sir for the recent theft at one of your houses in Abuja. I must say that this is one peril too much since you left office. Apart from the various name-calling and your wife’s continuous stress with EFCC, Nigerians have shown a markedly indifference to your brand of bowler hat-wearing democracy.

I plead on their behalf for you not to take it against them. Remember that even Jesus Christ our Lord was also not accepted by his people. The kind of leadership you have shown us cannot be replicated. In fact, the prayer is that it should not be replicated in this generation so that Nigerians can see very clearly the opportunity we have missed. But today is not about your leadership but about the thieves who invaded your residence. Such a huge lack of respect can only come from people who do not respect what you did for us during your presidency. I am sure they did not benefit from those contracts you gave the militants to guard our pipelines, or did not gain from the amnesty largesse you graciously distributed. I am even sure Diezani did not get to them because she could not go beyond those two ‘boys’ who have today put Nigerian rent-seeking politics and its many oily benefits in the global record books. My lord after going through the items stolen from you, I knew instantly the people who burgled your house.

It has been announced that six TV sets amongst other items were stolen. The police should not go far abeg; they should just go to the football viewing centres that litter around that vicinity to recover the items. The people in seeking what to eat and support their families following your wonderful economic policies and that of the present government which seems to be flying around, brandishing funny figures of economic resurgence simply decided to take football viewing centres with you as the unwilling benefactor. Have you seen how crazy Nigerians are with football especially the English Premiership? So take consolation that your missing items would create the employment opportunities your government could not, giving people an opportunity to relax and get away from it all in this our wahala country. So sir, no pity from here on this particular burglary; simply replace them abeg. You can afford it. God bless.

Davido And The Police:  A Partnership in Infamy
Have you seen the video? If not, just Google it. This young and massively talented boy still being spurred by youthful exuberance which is expected was just flying into the country and was received by two gun-toting mobile policemen who now happened to be shooting sporadically and recklessly into the air in salute to their master. This irresponsibility as shown by these two mobile policemen is all the more annoying when you contrast it with the huge insecurity we are now facing in Lagos. Just last night, the estate where I live was burgled. The thieves came in at night, cutting a huge hole in the barbed wire and raiding homes of valuables and traumatising people.

They were lucky they did not come near my house, otherwise I would have been paraded by the police for beheading somebody’s child. They were lucky my wife stopped me from going out to destroy these miscreants. You should have seen the way she was begging me not to go out. She really begged o and I looked at her beautiful eyes and pitied the sons of the devil and let them go. So you will understand my anger today as I watch these otherwise sane and well-armed mobile policemen display this kind of irresponsibility when the streets of Lagos and especially Ikorodu are being overrun by hoodlums. I hear the Lagos State Police Command has arrested them and have commenced investigations into their activities. This is a right step. They will be doing gra gra shooting into the air when they should be out combating real crimes. And for Davido, I keep quiet before they say I am jealous of the small boy. But the question is, is he not doing too much? Na only him be superstar? He should borrow a leave from Tuface who to my eyes is the biggest ever. I keep quiet, this is what my mother used to call yeye.

The Senate: Please Listen to the Oba
The Oba of Lagos is a man who says it as it is. He minces no words and in most cases does not care whose ox is gored. Remember the advice to the Igbo to jump into the lagoon? Well today, it has been reported that he has warned the Senate to be careful so that Nigerians do not storm their gilded hall. It is kind of true sha. The National Assembly as a whole has in some issues really run against the tide of public opinion; they have gained a certain level of unpopularity amongst the people. As I stood at the vendor’s stand at Tinubu Square in Lagos and listened to the people on the street talk, it was all vitriol against the National Assembly. Nigerians are really angry with our elected legislators and this is just an honest feedback. Guys, let us retrace our steps and truly work for the betterment of the people. Na beg, I no fit cry.

Sultan’s Mansion: Can it be True?
That is what you get when you do not have enough money to keep your internet running. I had run out of data just as this news broke and as I was out of the country, I was cut off. So I could not get newspapers. I was in sweet bondage imprisoned by a damsel who devilishly refused to give me access to the Internet, thereby ensuring my complete house arrest. But you trust me, I bore a hole in the wall of her bathroom, sneaked out, jumped the fence and landed in a dry gutter. Started crawling on my belly like those American soldiers we see in the movies and surfaced in a shopping mall. Went straight to the telecoms stand and got my internet back. As soon as I came online again, I saw the Daily Trust report that the mansion had already been bought.

Kai, so these people  in less than one hour that I was out of circulation still went ahead to buy this mansion in Abuja. I still do not believe o as I am continuing with my investigations. But seriously, if it is true which I still doubt, N700m for a house in the midst of the worst kind of poverty is a real dirty slap in the face of the people o. I hear 115 houses have been destroyed in recent floods and a lot of farmlands gone to waste within his caliphate. It is not my place to tell our masters how to spend their money but we can at least beg them to please consider us o. This kind of insensitivity if true led to the French revolution. Well, I have said my own sha and have kept quiet, wetin really concern me, my immediate problem is how to crawl back into my sweet bondage. Kai, this queen is fine o. Please do not show my madam this paper o, na self exile una want throw me inside o.

Tanko Yakassai: Where Have You Been?
This is one statesman I used to enjoy reading. Although I usually did not agree with most of his positions, his logic was usually not assailable. I have really missed his positions as he has been quiet for sometime. I really hope that it’s not his advanced age that is keeping him away from us. You can imagine my joy when I read him taking on Atiku Abubakar, our forever presidential aspirant. He tore into my lord on his position on deregulation, claiming that the position was empty and vacuous and not properly thought through. Kai, this was Yakassai at his best and the simple reason I am his eternal fan. Atiku mistakenly believed, yes it could only be a mistake for how can you expect a deregulation of a country as complex and huge as Nigeria to be completed in six months? Yakassai in his usual reliance on strong logic simply asked how that would be possible without a constitutional amendment that would ensure the devolvement of federal budgets already allocated to federal ministries to the states. Kai, Yakassai kill Atiku o, laugh no gree leave me o. My stomach is about to explode. Kai. Atiku pele o. you should have thought through before releasing that statement. Mr. Yakassai how about lunch one of these days?

Rauf Aregbesola: Take Heart
You know you remain one of my most respected politicians and I have been trying to grow your type of beard ever since I knew you. By the way, is there any special kind of ointment you use, because mine has simply refused to grow? I like the way yours stands on your chin making you look like those wizards in children’s fairy-tale books. Well my lord, pele o for the passing of your dear mother, Allah will give you the fortitude to bear the loss. Ma fa ra le as your people would say. She has gone to rest. Kindly accept my condolence. Take care sir.