…On Biafra I Stand

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Loud Whispers

Following the declaration by the northern youths giving Nigerians of south-eastern descent, the Igbo specifically October 1st to leave the North failure which everything and anything would be done to ensure proper cleansing of their region, I have started to have a rethink of my position regarding this matter.

The opportunities that will abound to those of us who are not Igbo and have refused to be drawn into the Biafra map cannot be quantified. It is very simple, when the Igbo leave, someone would be needed to provide the services they would be leaving behind. Who will now sell their spare parts, sell stock fish, run their chemists, sell second-hand clothes and short-time hotels in the North? There you see the opportunity left opened by this ultimatum for the Akwa Ibom man who has the sense to support this declaration. Please I am now throwing my weight behind the northern youths, all Igbo should leave the North.

I even think the ultimatum is too long, it should be immediate abeg. I have immediately rushed to register my firm, ‘No Biafra Allowed Limited’ with headquarters in Sokoto so that I can be close to the Sultan. I will however beg to be allowed to hire two Igbo expatriates to ensure continuity in the businesses. Seriously, why do we need to continue to remain as one? The unity of this country has not benefited anybody so we must break up and urgently so. Let the Igbo go back to their Biafra but as they leave they must not go with all their women o. Their women especially the light-skinned ones and full-bodied ones should be given exceptions; they have a lot to contribute to the development of what would be left of our country. Have you seen Igbo actresses? Kai I don’t want to mention names, Nigeria will not be the same if we lose such resources. So as we make all these declarations let us be careful so that we do not throw the baby out with the bath water? We have to be very systematic as we drive away the Jews. On Biafra I stand abeg, make dem go but leave Genevieve, Cossy Orjiako and the rest. Nnamdi and him brothers are free to go. Laugh want kill me. Which kind country? Nigeria, one drama one day.

The Billionaire Kidnapper’s Love for Mummy
As this saga unfolds, one tiny detail caught my attention in one of the confessional statements I have seen, hoping it is true though. Nowadays we no longer know which story is true or not. (Have you listened to the purported conversation between the Ogun State Governor and one of his colleagues in the North? I just tire.) Evans the great kidnapper of all time was said to have implicated his wife, claiming that she is fully aware of his atrocities and have even collected some ransom on his behalf at some point in his lucrative but nefarious career while exonerating his mother. Now this solves the long-lasting riddle. Remember we used to ask ourselves the question, if your mother and wife are stranded on a sinking boat and you could save only one, which one would you save? Well, Evans has solved the riddle once and for all. He has told us all that mother is more important and of better value than wife. This is no joking matter o. The man must have looked at his beautiful wife and calculated that when he is gone because he will surely go, the woman fit go marry another man and the man will be enjoying the spoils of his ‘hard work’ without caring for his children. But in his calculation, his mother will not remarry anybody and his ill-gotten wealth would be better consolidated and appropriated by her for the betterment of his children. What do we call this thinking? Does it make sense? In Evans’ shoes, who would you choose: your mother or your wife? I keep quiet, my wife dey read this page, I am still serving my suspension from the other room with humility and would not risk an extension. I no want trouble. Evans the great, well done wise, foolish man.

Zenith Bank: Please Show Your True Colours
I have very good friends in this bank and they have continued to give me a reason to believe in their vision and commitment to the general well-being of their immediate environment, hence my appeal. If you watched the video of the Zenith Bank robbery that happened in Owerri some months ago, you will at first marvel at the bravery of the policemen who against all odds stood firmly against the robbers who remained sons of dogs. In the process, they lost their lives and I hear one of them is still in a pitiable condition. I have waited and watched to see how this wonderful bank would react to their plight but I have not seen or heard anything. Now it is possible that they would have silently done something for their families but since I have not heard or seen, I would like to now make this request that they should kindly come to the aid of these gallant officers’ families. Salary for life, medical for life would not be such a bad idea and jobs for all dependants in Zenith would also go a long way in wiping off their tears. The activities of these heroes ensured that the whole branch, its staff and customers were protected from the fire of these satanic messengers. I know and trust you guys to perform and show the true colours we all know you are made of. So Victor and Akin over to you, let’s make this happen. God bless you guys as you reach out to the families of these policemen.
 
Dino Malaye : A National Question
This question no get answer o. What do we do with Dino? He has so far this year been the centre of attention in our country. He has garnered more news bytes than even the President and today he is so popular that he has name recognition in all nooks and crannies of the country. From academic credentials, to releasing exciting songs, my brother remains the Nigerian dilemma. He is now facing a recall by his constituents pitching him against his state governor and attracting gunshots in the process. Dino is by far the man of the year even though we are still in June. He has emerged the main subject of discussion and interest in today’s Nigeria after Kanu and Evans the great. So you will ask what is my position. Do I support his recall or assassination? Let me state here very clearly nobody deserves to be shot no matter what, whether it is arranged or not. Trying to eliminate a life can and will never be accepted. That said, what is my take on his recall? Well, in search of an answer, I headed to Ikeja where I met a new friend; young and very erudite lawyer from Kogi and asked him the question, ‘should Dino go’. His answer was emphatic and in firm support of the colourful politician. He posited that despite his theatrics, Dino was still doing the job his people in Kogi sent him to the Senate to do. He opined that Dino was the leader in moving motions on the floor and as such he was dutifully representing not only his people but also the totality of Nigerians in the Senate and as such he should be left alone to continue with his good works. I agree. Simple. Goodbye.
 
Command School Ipaja Alumni: Why Not Me?
I attended Command School Ipaja. A great school with a strong pedigree. I was in that school from 1979 till…. I cannot remember when I left only that the koboko our then Principal, Mr. D.B. Ajayi laced my back with still resonates till this day. I loved the man to pieces and still have fond memories of him chasing me around the school compound with his koboko simply because I would not sit still and read my books. It was a beautiful experience at Command, going into the bush to get fruits to augment our food, playing volleyball and chasing girls through letter writing. You see where my writing skills emanated from? I still smile anytime I think back to those days. But trouble is brewing in the clouds o. As a befitting 40th anniversary celebration of the great school, the alumni are nominating distinguished old students for recognition and awards and so far nobody has nominated me. You see my anger, even my set ‘84 are refusing to nominate me, the Duke of Shomolu. That is why I have brought this matter to Nigerians to help me put mouth o. Who else in that school deserves the award more than me? Me, a great political thinker, I still marched with Charly Boy on Third Mainland Bridge last week, I voted in the June 12 elections, saw Bill Gates jogging on the Lekki bridge, lover of light-skinned women and  a strong advocate of polygamy. They want to bypass me simply because I am an Ibibio man, forgetting everything I have done both for school and country.

If not that I love this school so much, I would have taken this case to the International Court of Arbitration in Uyo. What kind of nonsense is this? Other schools are honouring distinguished alumni, this one is making me beg. If not that Fawehinmi my friend is late, this is the kind of fight he would have loved to jump on. That is their luck, why not me? I have not been able to sleep since the matter came up. Where is Massob and IPOB in this matter? Where is the OPC when one needs them? I will die o, give me this award o. I am the most outstanding alumnus of Command Secondary School, Ipaja. Oya guys don’t vex, please just give me, I am not fighting again, I am begging. I will buy TV set for the auditorium. Please na. Olumide, Bufo, Fubara, Femi Omotoso, Tanko, Ejiro these are some of my mates. Please Nigerians help me beg them. If you need their numbers please call me, my number is on top of the page, call them and beg on my behalf o. I am in tears. I did so much for the school. I was the first to be flogged at the assembly ground and did not even flinch; opening the door for so many to be flogged if that is not an achievement, I don’t know what else is. Kai. Pastor Joshua won’t you say something?