Ibrahim Magu : It is Well

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Since I received the news of the Senate’s rejection of my brother, Ibrahim Magu, I have been excited. You see the truth is that this shows to the whole world that Chief Magu is indeed a highly incorruptible personality otherwise, his confirmation would have sailed through very easily. If he was asked to ‘take a bow’ the way some ministers usually do, then I would have sincerely doubted his integrity. So Brother Magu, take solace in the fact that you have won my admiration with your rejection. But seriously, this should make us all start rethinking about the structure of the office of the Chairman of the EFCC which is a high profile organisation saddled with the task of weeding out all forms of corruption in our society. When you subject the Head Honcho’s confirmation to a body that has very influential and strategic members being pursued by this same person, what you get is what we are seeing now. It is totally unnatural for you to expect a confirmation. Me, I will never confirm the person that is chasing me o and is intent on jailing me. I will go and look for a letter and lobby everybody not to agree o. Why would I confirm someone intent on jailing me? So the simple solution is to remove the confirmation process from the National Assembly and give it to the people of Nigeria. Basically, what I am saying is that the position should be elective so that its independence can be guaranteed and the office remains subjected to the constitution. That way even the President will know that this is no longer a joke. That is my two pence otherwise, only people of questionable character will pass through the eye of the Senate’s needle. Till then sha, Comrade Magu take solace in the fact that in my books you remain a good person and even if this does not go your way, you can always take a position consulting for future aspirants to the office on how to avoid the proverbial banana peel that is the Senate confirmation. It is well my brother, I remain with you.

Babatunde Fashola : You’re Ruining My Marriage
We have mutual friends and true, I really do not care anymore since your activity or should I say inactivity is ruining my marriage. See, my madam, Dame Mofoluwake Oriyomi Edgar, the Duchess of Shomolu – remember, I am now the Duke of Shomolu, has refused me entry into the ‘other room’ citing the unending heat and her inability to remain comfortable. Out of pity, she now agreed to give me access anytime we have power and here is the problem: we hardly ever have light. I am consigned to the couch, pitying myself and feeling frustrated you know how men are when they don’t get their usual dosage. And then power comes and before I can jump from the couch to run to the ‘other room’, the light is gone again. My oga, what have I ever done to you to make you behave this way? The way things are going with your Gencos and Discos and all the almost useless paraphernalia in your ministry, I would soon forget how it is to enjoy the warmth and suppleness of my wife and that would be really sad. I voted for you twice in Lagos and stood by you during all your travails with your enemies and even put a call to the Senate President during the hearing for your confirmation; is this how you will pay me back? I am not happy at all as I remain cranky and touchy. Do you blame me? It is almost six months since I had my last dosage. I will carry placard and come your office o.

Federal Road Safety Corps: No Wonder
I now understand it very clearly why they maltreated me so much last time I fell into their trap. They are being owed salaries. I just read from a national paper that this very strategic parastatal although a revenue-generating one is having their operatives not being paid as and at when due. In fact, the report even went ahead to state that the operatives are threatening to start collecting bribes if this is not stopped. Don’t mind that threat o, that assertion is very laughable by those who have entered their wahala before. You see, my wife was recently ‘captured’ by the operatives in Surulere where she was accused of using the phone while driving. The fact that the call she was receiving was from her mother announcing the passing of her father that moment did not deter these operatives from accosting her and impounding her car. Her hysterical screams that her father just died and ‘why were they this heartless’ fell on deaf ears as they asked her to drive into their compound in Alaka under the bridge. She called me and I went there with all the paraphernalia of office as the Duke of Shomolu. My people, I was demystified o. The lowest officer there, a female from Akwa Ibom brought me down from my high horse. As far as she was concerned my wife must be dealt with, that she had ‘showed herself’ too much, whatever that meant. I tried to explain that her father just died an hour ago and anybody in her shoes would be hysterical and not be in a position to start showing strangers fire extinguisher. Well, I was directed to the oga who was a pot-bellied, food-loving technocrat. He graciously asked me to allow him finish his breakfast of akara and pap. I waited for a full one hour before he called me in. His office was littered with Bible and all sorts of Christian paraphernalia. I knelt down and begged. He looked at me disinterestedly and swore to deal with my wife. As far as he was concerned, he had just caught a terrorist. All my begging fell on deaf ears and I was instructed to just go and pay. By this time I felt I had to stop humiliating myself and asked for the bill. They made me come back the following Monday where I was given the ticket to go and pay. The bill was N18, 000 so I went to Wema Bank to pay. Now here is where I want to support the operatives. It was around noon by the time I got to the bank and I tell you by that time, I kid you not, over N500,000 had been paid by various offenders into the coffers of the Federal Government from only Alaka. So you can now imagine how much would have been donated by Nigerians nationwide from so many offences both spurious and legitimate so it beats anybody’s mind why their salaries would be owed. I really don’t understand it. Well my people, the threat that they will start taking bribes like say na new thing should be discarded because when I got back to the office with my receipt, I was told I had to pay for towing van even though my wife drove the car into the place herself. My people I was made to pay N10, 000 that was not receipted. That one no be government own o. They thanked me and asked me to go and sin no more. I no for talk this thing, but as I read the report about the non-payment of their salaries  and threat, I felt that I owed the good officers at Alaka a duty to come out and stand beside them in this fight. They are doing well collecting revenues on behalf of the government and the reported threat to start collecting bribe does not concern their unit as they already have their own way of ‘sorting’ themselves with towing van money even when the closest towing van to their Alaka office is in Ogun State. Laugh wan kill me. I had told the pot-bellied officer that he should treat me with care o and that I was amebo, he did not listen. I wish I could see his face now reading this page. Government please pay their money o otherwise they will start charging towing van money by simply walking into their office.

Tolu Ogunlesi : A Childish Incursion
Never met him but I see him on social media. He has been very influential with his post and attempt at shoring up the President and indeed the government’s image especially on social media. However, his recent tweets that the former Chief of Defence staff had stripper poles installed in his apartment leaves much to be desired. Of what use is that information to us? I really do not understand what Tolu is trying to achieve with that information. This to me belittles the issues that we daily face with the ongoing recession and the daily struggle to maintain the cohesive integrity of this nation. This at best is childish and paedophilistic. Have you finished tweeting and explaining the periodic gory figures of inflation and unemployment the Statistician General releases? That one sef, I am waiting to see how the Senate will confirm his appointment with all these unemployment figures he keeps throwing up or has he been confirmed already? My brother Tolu, I beg leave Barde stripper Pole na him human right, focus on the main issues and grow up while at it. No vex, I am still on the couch na the frustration dey make me lash out at you.

Loudwhispers Person of the Year
The Loudwhispers person of the year is the person that by his actions and inactions during the year deserves a full page of yabis from me. It is a 1000-word write-up that tears the winner into pieces and leaves him hiding under the cupboard and sending for my head. Last year, it was the Asiwaju and this year I have four nominees: President Buhari for his contributions to politics and economy, Bukola Saraki for his contributions to doggedness and survival, Tony Elumelu for his contributions to philanthropy and entrepreneurship and Bolane Austin Peters for her contribution to culture. This ‘election’ has already been done by all those on my social media handles and President Buhari was the winner. I immediately consulted IBB and Jammeh in Gambia who advised and showed me how to annul that election. I really don’t want to yab the president especially now that he just gave out the hand of his daughter in marriage. So I am now bringing it up here for you guys to vote while hoping that Bolanle Austin Peters wey no command any troops or DSS or EFCC will win. Yes I can yab her well. So people please send your votes via my phone number and the result will be announced immediately. The winner will now be roasted in my last article of the year. So please for the sake of my children and my sanity please please vote for Bolanle. I no even mind if Tony wins but Buhari, I fear o. I await your votes with trepidation. Kai, who send me this kind message?