Okonjo Iweala and the 2019 Question


We are seeing posters and all sorts of permutations regarding her candidacy in the 2019 general elections. I hear she has come out to deny it and I want to support her denial simply because our women will all rebel and run away from the kitchen and “the other room,” where we have been made to believe they belong. I do not think that as Nigerians we are even ready for the eventuality – that this otherwise very brilliant technocrat emerges our next President. I have discussed this possibility with many people and we all have come to the same conclusion. The economy will remain the major deciding factor come 2019 elections and this may strengthen a possible Okonjo emergence, judging by her credentials and performance since she emerged on the national scene. You see, the economy, if we continue at this rate of decline, would be the re-defining point of mobilisation for any candidate willing to be taken seriously and this would strengthen the candidacy of madam as she parades very strong credentials in that sphere. This is why all hands must be on deck to support the present administration in its fight against recession. Otherwise, we just might be seeing an Okonjo Presidency and you know women, you cannot beg them. You cannot say sorry and they will agree. Have you seen women driving? They are so stubborn. Then, you can imagine a female president. All the men would be relegated to the kitchen and the “other room.” Though I will not mind the “other room” part of it, na the kitchen one dey fear me.

What Mega Party?
What mega party again? It seems that anytime a set of people lose out in the internal intrigues that are commonplace in Nigerian politics, they will branch out to form a ‘mega party.’ This is totally wrong as it weakens the democratic institutions and processes. See what the last mega party did to the PDP to the point that today we do not have a credible opposition voice with the ruling APC cruising smoothly into a one-party mode. The PDP is so weakened that if given the opportunity the two people vying for their chairmanship would readily cross carpet or even join this new so-called mega party. I am totally ashamed of this present generation of politicians. They have done so much damage to the country that I begin to doubt if our children will ever forgive them. Now that the centre can no longer hold for some forces, they are thinking of forming another party. What kind of jagajaga mega party is that one? To say the fact, we cannot wait for old age and senility to come and clear this generation of gerontocrats who have over the years shown that all they have to offer us is their personal unquenchable thirst for power. Look, it is less than two years that we all willingly and freely gave them our mandate to bring change, so they should all go and work with their President, the one they sold to us as the face of change and whose body language would bring Eldorado. How come so soon, they are singing a new song? Buhari is their making. Buhari is their man and by extension he is our man. So, they must continue to work with him despite all the challenges and when 2019 comes, they should present their report and let the people decide again. Let me sound it very clearly to these people that Nigerians, who I want to believe I speak for, are not interested in any mega party. We voted for APC and we expect the ruling party to deliver and not be distracted by the chicanery of a few misguided old men who have lost out in the power struggle associated with the vacuous vision that led the party to victory. Death to this mega party!

Fidelis Anosike’s Ms. Nigeria – Why You Should Attend
I am coming out to support this pageant simply because of the fact that this competition embodies our collective heritage. The Ms. Nigeria beauty pageant has over the years come to embody our true essence in the midst of so much despair and gloom. It has always thrown up the quintessential Nigerian woman making both our womenfolk and the general populace very proud. Today, my friend Mr. Anosike is concluding feverish plans to host the event come December 19th at the Eko Hotel. From the kind of wonderful creatures I saw in his office the other day, I have gone to look for money to buy the ticket. Where this Igbo man see these kind of angels beats my fagged-out imagination and when you compare these ladies with the cucumber-loving ones competing brands parade as queens, you will see why the Ms. Nigeria pageant stands out as that one sophisticated pageant that remains the custodian of our culture.

The Gains of This Recession
One night last week, my very beautiful and longsuffering darling wife, Mrs. Mofoluwake Oriyomi Imabong Edgar – I always call her full names so there will be no confusion. I hear there are about six people parading themselves around town as the authentic Mrs. Edgar – works for DSS, woke me up and quietly asked for N45,000. As a man exiled to the couch as a result of my Bill Clinton-like past activities, I do not argue when this kind of demands come. For you never can tell if it would give me the visa back into the bedroom. I did not ask a question o. I just transferred the money leaving me with a balance of N6,000. Dangote did you hear, N6,000? Well by evening, she came to me to explain why she needed the money. Apparently, it had suddenly dawned on her and a thousand other parents that the dream of university education in the UK or the US has finally escaped this generation of children who are unfortunate to have reached that level during this Great Recession. So the money was meant for WAEC registration in a private centre in Ipaja. I wanted to laugh but thought otherwise because of my tender head and my situation on the couch. I listened and sympathised with her. I tried to hug her but she rebuffed me and walked into the bedroom not forgetting to lock the door. My people, I had said this thing oh: our private schools are citadels of scam. Can you imagine a secondary school in Lagos teaching UK curriculum and the Ministry of Education permits this infamy? So my son and thousands of his colleagues are stranded today after a full six-year education but with no WAEC and as such may not be able to attend a Nigerian university because he was not prepared for it. I have been shouting at all PTA forums and have been shouted down. Today, he has to go to night school after I have paid over N1m per term to get inadequate education. What a shame! The recession has opened the fowl’s backside as I hear there was a mild protest amongst parents at the school the other week. I am hearing that ‘they take IGSE;’ whatever that means. So now I see my boy who had the ‘best’ education sneaks to Ipaja every other night to go and study WAEC syllabus so that he can at least stand a chance. If no be my pikin, I for laugh. But this is my failure. I should have been strong and insisted that he went to a normal school instead of these high-paying private schools that prepare our children for a future as rap artistes. This is also the total failure of our education authorities and they must step in and make it compulsory for all schools to teach the WAEC syllabus in addition to Russian or Syrian curriculum. This is really sad. I’m coming; I’m going to Ipaja to check my poor son before they use amala to kill him.
MMM – Where is The Risk?
MMM is the new Ponzi scheme that has taken over the country. It pays out 30 per cent and has made a lot of people including my driver to be rich. The man now lends me money and is even wondering why I should be sitting at the back of the car since he is closer to the Forbes list than I am. He started out with N50,000 and today according to him, he is worth about N500,000. He has tried to explain to me how it works and I must confess though I do not understand, the argument is compelling. Common sense as an investment banker tells me that the thing cannot stand the rigours of test. But I see everybody around me do it and smile to the bank. I am wondering if I should not join. I hear the CBN and other authorities have warned against it but people have turned a deaf ear to it and continue to fuel it. I am watching closely as my driver’s standard of living is changing. He is now eating at the same place I eat. When we go to eat lunch, he walks in with me and makes his orders too. He is even eating more meat than me sef. This MMM thing is really transforming lives. But shouldn’t the authorities be a little bit more firm in its opposition, or at best better enlighten the public before we suffer another mass crash that may lead to general suicide? For me, I am watching closely and have decided to delay my driver’s salary for December and throw it inside, if it works, I take the 30 per cent on top and give him his money. If it fails, I will blame the delay in his salary on recession while I lick my wounds. God will help us.

Senator Shehu Sanni – Sheathe Thy Sword
Dear Sir, I have been delegated to ask you this simple question: Is there a woman between you and Governor El-Rufai? Because this your fight seems to be unending. It is now even going to very funny levels with the ‘licking of ass’ coming into the equation oh. My brother, this is not how men fight. This is beginning to look like tattles of teenage girls. The people voted for both of you to better their lives and not to get involved in who is licking whose ass. Or, what was it that you were quoted to have said in a new low? My brother, don’t you really have work to do at the Senate? If you are that less busy, let me give you work at Ms. Nigeria. You can be one of the judges. Can we at least just stop this name-calling and allow the man (el-Rufai) to concentrate. He has so much on his table with this Shiite matter amongst others. You are distracting him; and this is me not taking sides but feeling that enough is enough Shehu. I really do not understand what or why you are both fighting like this. The people of Kaduna who would soon be my in-laws – just met one of their sweeties last night at the motor park – are the ones losing out in this ‘cacophony of paedolistic idiocy.’ Na Obayagbon borrow me those words last night. So, if you need to sue anybody sue am. Mrs. Makinde, are you reading?

Pa Patrick Mowete Goes Home
Pa Mowete of Ebu in Delta State has finally decided to go home. The great historian and father to my darling Mena Joseph Edgar and also father to Clara, Maryan, Philip, Doris, Tina, Ene, and Uyo last month joined his illustrious ancestors. I was the closest to him and have laid claim to his famous walking stick – the one he used to welcome the Queen of England when she came to the University of Ibadan in the 1960s. The great man will be missed by not only his immediate family but the wider University of Ibadan community as attested to by the Deputy Vice Chancellor during the university’s visit to the family. He is survived by beautiful Mummy Mowete. Kai, you should see her, very wonderful genes. So prof., please my walking stick oh.