Dino Melaye: What Manner of Senator?


Loud Whispers

I am sitting on a chair in my dark hotel room in San Diego. Yes o San Diego USA, Shebi you guys thought that I will never leave Shomolu. I left o. I am now in San Diego enjoying my life staring at people who were lucky to be born in this part of the world where everything seems to be working. As I sit and stare, waiting for NEPA to take light but it’s one week now and this their own NEPA is not looking like they are related to our own o. My people, this kind of efficiency tire me; light constant and the thing is making me feel sick as I am not used to it. Why can’t their own NEPA just take light, the thing is giving me headaches sef? It is with this mindset that I suddenly see something on my phone. My guy who works with one of the Telcos suddenly sends me a link with Senator Malaye’s name conspicuously mentioned. Thinking that this was another lesbian sex scandal, I quickly opened the link and was immediately arrested by the distinguished Senator’s bald head, gray goateen and skinny legs dancing to some very melodious Yoruba music.  Laugh almost overpowered me.

My close buddy Senator extraordinary, the one and only Dino Melaye, rocking and dancing as if his life depended on it. The guy can dance o.  He was dancing and singing at the same time; his head shining and sweat pouring from his bald head. He bent down, held his tummy, shuffled and swung his waist like one filled with the holy liquor that sways many truck drivers. From his demeanour, one begins to wonder if he had just seen the list of Senators being investigated by the DSS with his name conspicuously absent.  The dance as we say in Shomolu no get pair. He was so immersed in it that I began to sway my head while enjoying his moves. From the setting, he was in a hotel room somewhere most likely outside of the country but far from San Diego. At least he was not up to any mischief like his earlier colleagues who incurred the wrath of the U.S. government (whatever happened with that matter). This was a senator enjoying himself, thanking the Lord that despite the rash of probes and investigations, his name has not been mentioned, this was a senator dancing and thanking his God for all the blessings that have come his way despite his continuous search for ‘trouble’. Egbon carry go, na you biko, keep on rocking my brother. I love this guy!!!!!!!!!!.

MTN: Dances of the Wolves
Are we truly a serious country? Do we really know exactly what we want as a people and the kind of leadership we have saddled ourselves with? The ongoing travails of MTN leave me with a heavy heart. It is as if there is a secret and unholy agreement to ruin this firm and this leaves me with the sadness that has continued to dog my mind even as I write. Barely coming out of the monstrous fine imposed on the telco, we are now hearing another story of MTN unlawfully moving billions of dollars out of the country under whatever guise. You see, I do not claim to be an expert in these things but even as a layman, it is very clear to me that if I have invested, I should retain the right to earn my profits, benefits and do whatever I want to do with it. From all that had been said, the firm is being accused of repatriating billions out of the country without due regulatory notification or approval thereof. These have been vigorously denied not only by the firm but also by the said regulatory authorities who should know better. But still, the firm is still being harangued and exposed to an ignorant mob of plebiscites. Look, any firm that has brought in the much-needed foreign investments to the tune of $16b over a 10-year period, employed over 6,000 Nigerians, opened up the economy the way it has, supported other socio-economic initiatives should not be treated like a rogue firm. It should be seen as a partner and given all the encouragement it deserves to continue to work for the economic development of the country. This is all the more annoying especially if you weigh this with the current economic situation where millions are losing their jobs, foreign investments are drying up, the country’s earning potential is all but fizzled out and the President is making an almost daily trip abroad seeking foreign investment. And support, only for one of the largest businesses that is showing uncanny resolve to wait it out with us during these tough times is being treated like this leaves much to be desired. Foreign Airlines at the slightest wahala have all jumped ship yet our Ogas at the Senate cannot see this as a clear reason to stop this unnecessary harassment of MTN.  Me I no sabi English o, all I know is that MTN should be left alone for now so that they can lick their wounds from the fine and concentrate on rebuilding thereby better positioning themselves, as they continue to contribute significantly to the growth of our economy. This is the position of the man on the street. Trust me. Thank you.
Bishop Oyedepo : I Fearfully Beg to Disagree
I write with great fear for I have just read that the great man of God has declared that anybody who criticises the school fees at his Covenant University will be struck by the wrath of God. In fact, the report quoted the wonderful man of God as saying that one critic was struck by the disease of the smelly mouth and that he had to personally intervene to get the disease to leave the man. It is in this regard that I will now not say anything about how or what I feel about the school fees being charged at the mighty citadel of learning that is, the Covenant University. In fact sir, I even believe the fees are even not enough especially if you look at the world-class facilities that adorn the campus. But sir, do not vex o, it is not what I believe sha but the realities on the ground where people are saying that those paying tithes cannot afford the fees and as such they should be reviewed downwards or better still, the church should assist in meeting them half-way. Kindly note clearly at this point that this is not my position and can never be, I am just cowardly repeating what people are saying. Sir is there a way we can at least try to meet people half-way on these fees matter so that these ignorant people can stop all these talk?  God will continue to protect us all especially me who has written this piece against all advice. Please forgive me lord for I am but a meek and gentle servant in the Lord’s vineyard, but can the fees come down sir? Kai, I will not hear word o.
Sir Olanihun: My Condolences
I will like to share a small story about this great Yoruba son. I once had the privilege of meeting him about four months ago. I had gone to visit him in his palatial but at the same time very simple home in his Ijebu homestead. As we walked into his expansive living room, the aura and yet simple decor hit me. I saw large-sized portraits of Sir Olanihun hung sided by side that of the present Ooni of Ife. I saw pictures of other great Yoruba sons and one was immediately left with the fact that I was about to meet a great Yoruba son. He walked in and what first struck me were his good looks. He was strikingly handsome for his age. His skin glowing and his walk sprite. I immediately started comparing him at 90 to my father who gave up five years ago at the ripe young age of 62 and began to blame that one for dying so early out of ignorance I was now sure.
The meeting quickly moved from business to politics. I made sure he took us down memory lane from the politics of the independence to the wahala of the First Republic and how it impacted on the Yoruba nation. He was happy and the meeting that was supposed to last for just 10 minutes dragged for hours. Baba gave us stories plus his escape into exile during the NADECO era. The talk touched on Tinubu (I won’t say what he said o. Tinubu would have to pay me first) to the present Ooni and finally, the Afenifere, a group he was passionate about. Sir Olanihun was unapologetically a Yoruba son and he wore his heritage with pride. He gave us watermelon drink that day and took us into his personal library where he gave us his most recently published book. This was less than four months ago so you would imagine my shock when I heard of his death. The Yoruba nation has lost a real intellectual soldier and I am sure his loss would be hard to replace for he was the last of that generation of titans. Sleep well Baba, I deliberately refused to read the book because of its one-sided nature judging from the preface, but I promise, as you commence your journey to your ancestors I will read the book and send you my review as promised that day. I will surely send it to you sir. Sleep well and may the gods of your ancestors grant you eternal rest as you nestle in their bosom.
Gay Activist Bisi Alimi Weds
I want to extend my heartfelt sorrow and pity to this my brother, Bisi Alimi, whose wedding pictures I am looking at this night in San Diego. Yes o, San Diego my people. A Shomolu man in San Diego. All of you who never believed when I told you that I was travelling from Chike Ogeah to Ansalm Tabansi to James Etonirun. I am here and enjoying myself even though Afang dey hungry me. This Bisi who has been carrying his gayness as if it is an Olympic gold medal has finally got married according to his wishes and the wishes of his fellow sodomites. I wish them well even as I pray for their souls. This thing is an aberration and my fear is that the way it is catching on even in our country and with the law against it in place sooner than we know it, those of us who still seek for and enjoy the essence of the opposite sex will soon be in the minority. Yes o, when I visited the last fashion show hosted at the Federal Palace Hotel and sponsored by a major drink brand, those of us that we’re not gay were in the minority. Come and see our youths in all manner of perversions. Gay was in style, almost everybody was gay o and me I started feeling that I was the abnormal one o. Guys looking like girls and girls looking like guys! Boys kissing boys, girls kissing girls yes o at the Federal Palace. When I got home, I woke up my teenage children, Etekamba and Chantal and gave them the warning of their lives. I warned my son that if I ever catch him watching fashion TV again cos that is where it starts from, I will break his head that from now on it is only wrestling and football he should be watching o. God has to really come down. These Bisi kinds of people are taking over slowly but surely. We need more than laws o. We need a strong cultural bulwark against these demonic invasions. Where are our religious leaders? We need them. This is a time for real spiritual work o. God help us.
FAAN and Murtala Muhammed Airport
Let me not talk too much about the thing I saw and witnessed in terms of state of facilities at our international airport before them ban me from entering the country. You know there are very powerful people in this country. Even the cleaner in that place can make sure my flight is re-routed to Mosul effectively sending me on self-exile if I complain about the state of the toilet and the heat at the airport. So I will just keep quiet until I come back safely. As soon as I get to Onipanu bus stop which is the boundary before I enter Shomolu I will say clearly my mind about the state of our international airport. So for now, I keep quiet.