Reuben Abati and His Juju Theory

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Loud Whispers

Me I have never met this great scholar but look forward to meeting with him before I lose my erection. Mr Abati in his very seminal essay has directed the main problem with Nigeria and by so doing throwing the whole plank that brought in this government of change out of the window. The problem with Nigeria according to my Oga is a massive loss of erection by all policy makers.  Now you see where the philosophy of the ‘other room’ comes to play. For those of you who have been deriding him and his position, I dare you to enter Aso Rock. Last week I drove past the place and I swear I did not feel my ‘you know what’ for like four hours. It just went limp and refused to come up. You can imagine that happening to me for just driving past,  then consider those who live there and work there.

They are finished o.  Our problem according to Abati is no longer corruption, it is the devil and evil spirits that have taken our leaders manhood and given us an epidemic of erectile dysfunction. Chief Abati is truly a great scholar, he must have busied himself while at the service of the nation counting those whose peckers had gone limp. I have read the response of Chief Adesina and really pity him. All the Bible postulations will not save him from the problem of erectile dysfunction. No wonder he sweats a lot in most of the pictures I see of him. We now must have an official shrine in the place side by side the Church and Mosque. Well, while the controversy is going on, let me state very clearly that me, JOSEPH EDGAR I am not interested in any political appointment or anything that will take me to Aso Rock until the demon that is the harbinger of erectile dysfunction has been exorcised and Chief Abati is brought back to verify the thorough cleansing of the place. Me I value my erection more than any funny national Assignment. Abeg my wife still young, I no fit shout.

Oby Ezekwezili: calm down
Me I don’t understand this anger at all. Nobody has monopoly over the Chibok girls. Nigerians can decided to use any platform and any method to contribute their own quota to the welfare of the Chibok Girls o. I am really getting irritated with the antics of this madam and must come out in very strong terms to condemn this her latest tirade. What is it? If you are not happy with the way this just released girls are being handled, enter Sambisa Forest and release your own set of girls and cordon them off and do whatever. I have always said it that this BBOG group or whatever they call themselves will soon expose their soft underbelly. What is wrong with another group coming out to assist? Even if they raise funds to do their job what is wrong with that? Unless one can prove that the funds are being diverted or used for other things apart from the welfare of the girls and if that is not the case, then madam kindly go see your hairstylist. Please let me use this medium to call on every and any Nigerian who has genuine interest and care for the girls to please come out and contribute their quota, nobody has a monopoly over them. Abeg, when they where kidnapping the girls, the Boko haram did not appoint the BBOG as the sole franchise owners of the girls. Let’s stop all these pettiness and face the cruel and clear danger that continues to face these girls both in and outside captivity. Enough of the distractions Abegi.

Aliko Dangote : Please Don’t Do It
I keep hearing and reading that you are interested in buying Arsenal. I sincerely hope that this is not true because if you go ahead to do it, I will lead a boycott of your products. We cannot continue to suffer to buy your sugar and spaghetti only for you to go use the money to buy Arsenal. I am really telling you o and if I ever get to meet you I will look you straight in the eyes and tell you straight. Sir I am not afraid of you o, you are not DSS I will tell you straight. Instead of buying Arsenal use half of the money to  buy all the teams in our local league, help in rebuilding the infrastructure and give hope to the many talented youths who due to lack of financial support cannot exploit their God given talents. True, a man has the right to use his money any how he deems fit , but this time around we will show you that without  Nigerians Who consume your goods you will not be thinking of Arsenal. I really pray and hope that this remains in the realm of rumours because you will be doing not only yourself but those of us who admire and look up to you as a leader worthy of emulation a great disservice. Let’s meet over lunch in Shomolu and discuss this matter Oga.

Jide Kosovo Joins the Cast of Isale Eko
Isale Eko is my new play. Coming up next February at the Muson. This play has been designed to celebrate Lagos extolling its culture, traditions and people. In choosing the cast, I have carefully gone after iconic actors. Actors who have attained a very high level of professionalism and depth. Not chewing gum actors. We have been talking to people like Patrick Doyle, Akin Lewis, Yemi Shodimu and Madam Kofo. Finally after weeks of chasing, we have finally hooked the big masquerade Jide Kosoko. Jide Kosoko is as versatile as  they come. He has practiced his art in TV, Films and Stage. He is truly a rare breed and a member of a dying generation of actors whose talents were wholesome and not pumped by social media and semi nude antics. Welcome Uncle and I look forward to working with you in dropping this massively anticipated epic theatre production. Ekabo Sir.

Oba of Benin: welcome on Board
I have tried not to write anything funny about the highly revered throne and person of the new Oba. Infact as I am writing, my hands are shaking for fear that I could be turned to salt if I dare to ‘yab’ the new Oba. So I will just carefully and respectfully say, welcome sir and I wish you a very peaceful and productive reign and may you live long and surpass the achievements of your predecessors. Already you have started on a good note sir with the release of the pictures of your wonderfully beautiful Queens. They looked so elegant. I really appreciated their cultural attires and you could see the mark of respect to tradition even as they sat with the handkerchiefs covering their mouth. This is a mark of royalty. I’ll be passing through Benin next week on my way to Akwa Ibom, do not worry, I will not branch but I will stop and take a selfie by the walls of your palace so I can show my people in Uyo. Congrats once again, see you soon.

Edgar J: on self Exile
As you read this I would already have settled in my new abode in the U.S. On self Exile. I have had a long think about the situation in Nigeria and my position in the scheme of things. I have lost every election I have contested from class monitor to local government councillor. My earnings have remained stagnant and been whittled down by the forced devaluation. Senators threatening to impregnate themselves, leaders loosing erection and corruption in the judiciary and now my house maid leaving. Abegi, let me just go and rest first while I think of my next step. I will miss you guys especially all my fans the ones who call to beg me to yab other people and not yab them on this page and the ones who call to threaten to beat me up as I yab them. I thank all of you. Me ke, exile? Shomolu man? I am coming back next week o where will I see Afang to eat there. God forbid. I belong to no one but Nigeria see you guys next week.