Aisha Buhari: Advice from the ‘Other Room’

Loud Whispers
You see, as a husband I find myself very supportive of Mr. President in this situation. When things that should be discussed or have been discussed in the “other room” now get discussed in the open, especially on a platform as wide-reaching as the BBC Hausa service, it begins to get very disturbing.
You see, the power that is being wielded in the “other room” is so much and far-reaching. In that room the person in charge is not the husband, in this case, the president. The person in charge decides when or how things are done, the timing, the duration and the various styles. So in that room, you respect yourself and follow instructions, or else you will be kicked out of that room. Ask my friend, Bill Clinton who during the Mona Lewinsky saga was kicked out of that room and had to sleep on the couch. That was how the most powerful man in the world became very powerless in that room. So when the power was now extended to other platforms where the “room power” was not meant to extend, you begin to see the president’s quagmire and the need to act with wisdom.
What we have today in Nigeria is a country of wicked people. Do you people see how beautiful this First Lady is and you now want our president to react violently and lose all his rights and privileges in the “other room”? Me, I support our Oga in his reaction o! He had to be very careful, try to play down the matter in a bid to give himself some level of platform to begin fruitful negotiations in that “other room”. What he was fighting for was a continuous access to critical factors that make a man, a real man. Food and the other thing, and no amount of taunting and cajoling will make him disrupt the equilibrium, for when the punishment comes, nobody will serve it with him.
Ask me, I have been sleeping on the couch now for all of four years simply because my phone fell into the wrong hands and today, I am in exile in my own house with no access to that room or the things that get offered in the room. I am now a nervous wreck. That said, my advice to our all powerful First Lady is to kindly wield this influence with kind caution. Your husband loves you very much and is really trying his best to make things work in this country despite the many challenges caused by PDP. Remember, all these wahala including the so-called people “he does not know” who have hijacked his cabinet are all PDP people. So you should kindly just discuss these matters in the “other room”, providing him with the necessary support and advice that would enable him come out and be the best president this country has ever seen. What you did was putting him in a position where he had to choose between you and Nigeria and that is very unfair to the 170 million of us for I know he will definitely choose you like I would do. Please ma, don’t vex, let’s just keep everything including your thoughts on sensitive state matters in that room. Thank you very much. Kai, but you are really an extremely beautiful and intelligent woman, the best First Lady so far. Keep up the good works. God bless you and your family.

Musiliu Obanikoro: Welcome back
My egbon just landed and went straight into the custody of the EFCC. That is bravery and courage. A man who was lucky enough to have been outside the borders of the country and instead of continuing his journey to Ecuador or Venezuela, willingly came back to face all the accusations and alleged crimes should be rewarded with a Nobel Prize for courage.  Just before the decision to come back was made, I was approached for my thoughts on the matter. He had called me to sound me out since he felt that I could help to smooth the path to his re-entry. You guys are wondering why, just be looking, shey because you all see me as a hungry columnist and Shomolu man; you do not know the kind of influence I wield simply because of my closeness to Tinubu’s driver. Well, people like Obanikoro who need to know my power know how to use it. Immediately I was contacted, I sent the signal to the right quarters on the possibility of Obanikoro being given a soft landing once he comes back voluntarily. The feedback I got was very encouraging, so I gave him the green light and added my own advice. I said to him: please fly back with Arik Air so it would look as if you are supporting the government’s buy ‘made-in-Nigeria’ campaign.
He should also wear only white so that he would be supporting the ‘Change Begins with Me’ campaign. Immediately he lands, he should recite the national pledge on the tarmac and get his people welcome him with APC registration forms. He should avoid people like Fayose, Fani Kayode, two Supreme Court Justices and one Federal High Court Judge. He should buy gifts like teddy bears and Donald Trump autographed portraits for people like Lai Mohammed, Osinbajo and the Ogun State Governor. From what I hear, he must have taken my advice because as he landed, he was given enough time to get home, take his bath, and enter the “other room” for a quickie before surrendering himself. Well, the following days are surely going to be exciting as we await a review of his feature in the very first Nollywood political thriller; remember he played a major role in the movie where he gave an Oscar-winning performance in the bushes of Ekiti. Kai, the things that men do.

Justice Ademola, the gun and my advice
The front-page news hit me with a thud. It blared with an unmistakable headline, “I wrote my statement with a gun pointed to my head.” You see the problem with this Aje butter people. They do not know how to fight or defend themselves. So even if it was true they pointed a gun to your head, would you now write what you did not do because of a common gun? By the way, how will you not fear when in all your life, you have never watched a Chinese film nor have you ever been accosted by an agbero. Next time my Lord, anytime anybody points a gun at you, whether it is DSS or guguru Defence, you should just sit down, adjust your face into a mean frown, look into the barrel of the gun with wicked eyes, think of the man holding the gun slapping your mother or your house girl, whichever one is dearer to you and you will begin to erupt with righteous anger and with a scream, you will jump into the snake in the monkey’s shadow fighting-stance, kicking the gun out of the hands of the DSS operative. In a swift move, also kicking him in his balls and with an elbow to his back, he will fall down and faint. By this time, the alarm would have been rung and hundreds of DSS agents will come running in; You will now tear your shirt and tie a piece around your head like Rambo.
Hit your head on the wall, so that blood will come out. You taste your blood so that you get really angry. By this time, the agents are rushing in and you are decimating them with blows and kicks. Some, you will head-butt, others you will grab their balls and squeeze them dry while still screaming like a monkey. You know, na exactly how Bruce Lee used to do it. After killing like 100 agents with your bare hands, you will now move out of the premises towards Aso Rock; you must end this once and for all, and they call out the Army. Only you o, they are throwing bombs and bullets, Kai, you are just taking them out, justice Ademola in action. By this time, you would have captured one armoured tank and firing from all angles. People are running away; as you move, you see Senator Ben Bruce running for dear life, you wave at him, he is a nice man. By this time, the government realising that the situation is getting out of hand will pull back troops from Sambisa Forest and the Niger Delta to reinforce but all these will not deter you. By the time you get to the gates of Aso Rock, they will have no choice but to call for negotiations. Kai, Justice, please wake up Jo. As chief Eleyinmi in the now rested very popular Village Headmaster drama series which I am sure even you watched in your younger days would say, ‘Gun ko, Gun ni’. There is nothing we will not hear.

Airtel: Emem Isong delivers a blow
A few months ago, I wrote a caustic piece on the need for Airtel to respect the Ibibio people. They had launched a campaign where they had further cemented the notion of the Ibibio person as a semi-literate, idiotic man-child. This campaign received a lot of airtime and is still running despite protests from the Ibibio nation. In that write-up, I had decried the continuous depiction of these very proud people in that light when there are so many positive aspects of our people that can be highlighted with the same effect. Looks like Emem Isong was listening, for she invited me to a sneak preview of her new movie titled, ‘Ayanna’. The event was packaged by the rave-making new media outfit, the Manny Udoh-led Katunga Media. As I sat and watched the movie, my head was reeling with pride. As the movie evolved into a kaleidoscope of colours, the deep storyline and sound technical quality immediately grabbed my attention and threw me into the lush forests of Akwa Ibom land. Emem in this work will succeed in repairing the damage caused over the years by a nation that grew up deriding the Ibibio nation with firms like Airtel further cementing these negative stereotypes, forgetting that the Akwa Ibom people were its very first investors when the company first came on board. Well, Emem’s movie backed by the Bank of Industry not only sends a message of national revival but is also a beautiful love story even as it provides a platform for the viewers’ soothing smooth incursion into the Ibibio culture. Well done my sister and keep up the good works.