Saturday Loud Whispers


Budget Padding Scandal: ‘You Be Thief, I No Be Thief’

I do not know how many people remember this classic tune from the great Abami Eda, Fela Kuti himself. He it was who sang these evergreen words, ‘you be thief, I no be thief, you be army robber, I no be army robber. Argument, argument……’ This perfectly describes what is going on in our House of Representatives today. Both sides are calling each other thieves revealing all sort of documents and information to buttress their positions. I really pity this Dogara person, he is really receiving a merciless beating from his ex partner. This is truly a lovers quarrel gone so bad, he must have really hurt his ex lover who is surely stopping at nothing to destroy him. Everyday, Mr. Jibrin is up to some mischief or the other all in his quest of bringing down Dogara. He is either visiting the security and anti corruption agencies with several petitions or going on Twitter or Channels television to preach his gospel of the latter day anti-corruption crusader. Dogara brought all these to himself, I am sure he will be regretting now. He should have just left him in his post and in fact promulgated a law ensuring that he was the Chairman of the Appropriation committee for life, I am sure today we would not be remembering this Fela song. For me, I am enjoying this drama, playing my Fela song and listening intently to the words which perfectly describes what is going on right now. This is what Fela calls Roforofo fight- a fight where everything is thrown up and the combatants throw caution into the winds and jump into the fight with everything. This fight is really rough and humiliating to all parties as the mud is being smeared on both sides. As I listen to Jibrins latest salvo as he is invited to the APC Headquarters, another of Fela’s hot tunes immediately start playing in my head, ‘Beast of No Nation’. I tire.

Jennifer Obayuwana: My Salute

This is my friend o. Last Sunday, I worked into Tera Kulture looking for who will buy me lunch when I stumbled on this extremely beautiful damsel with her also very good-looking fiancé Peter. Jennifer was glowing and looked really fulfilled. I had a small chit-chat with her and that and immediately took my leave since it was becoming apparent that I was really spoiling their fun. The two young couple looked truly in love and this was reflected in the food they ate. Jenifer is the hard-working daughter of that purveyor of luxury John who has continued to redefine that space in the country. Last time I saw them was at their store in Abuja. I was really impressed because this was late in the evening and father and daughter were still at work. Let me use this opportunity to be the first to wish her well in her forthcoming nuptials while wishing her the very best in life. Enjoy, my sister, you deserve it.

House Padding Scandal: The Parliament Wades in

The parliament sits every other day in the sleepy Eric Manuel street of Bode Thomas in Surulere. It is coordinated by lanky Emeka who amongst others is a failed footballer. National issues are discussed and dissected with a passion that can only be found in Dogara’s House of Representatives. Friday, the pot-bellied lothario fired the first salvo. He did not see why Dogara could not just slap Jibrin and strip him naked for his effrontery. Friday is a PDP supporter and has lost countless elections in his native Kogi State, so you can at least understand where his frustration is coming from. This drew a lot of laughter from parliamentarians especially Mobutu who had just walked in. Mobutu supports Biafra with a caveat, that the exit of Biafra would not stop the inflow of his lovely stock fish. Mobutu wondered why Jibrin should be given such a fate especially since he was exposing secrets that we had all suspected but could not prove. He was shouted down by Osa who was high on the coca cola he was drinking. To Osa, the whole National Assembly should be disbanded and a new crop of assembly members appointed representing the only groupings he believed in. For him, our true representatives are the Fulani Herdsmen, representing the northern geo-political zones, the OPC representating the South-west, the Avengers representing the South-south and the IPOB representing the South-east. This was no longer a laughing matter . As he spoke, I looked at his face to see if he was trying to be funny but the seriousness in his eyes and the fact that he had not paid for his drinks made me realise the seriousness with which he was speaking. Rufus walked in. Now Rufus is a short but very handsome Igbo man who used to ride all over Lagos with a powerbike pretending he was the Igbo Elvis Presley. His position was that the leadership of the National Assembly should be filled up with Igbo men. To him, Igbo men who were brought up chewing kola nut and drinking well fermented palmwine would never sing the way Jibrin was singing. To him, this was the height of cowardice and that no true Igbo man would sing like this no matter the provocation. His shiny bald head was brimming with sweat as he spoke and just when he was about to end his eulogy, his bill was presented to him. After looking at the bill, sweat pouring from his head, he beckoned on Friday the pot-bellied former Kogi politician to help with the bill. Friday with a smirk announced that he should get his fellow Igbo man to pay for him. In all of these, me a minority from Ibibio land kept mute not saying a word so as not to annoy Igwe who had signified his intention of paying for my drink as long as I did not pad the bill. I was disenfranchised and could not join the debate, so I kept mute. Finally, it was time to pass the House resolution and Honourable Ita who is a new member introduced by the great Osa was given the task of reading the communique. He stood up, adjusted his falling trousers and with a loud voice proclaimed the Parliament’s full support for Honourable Dogara stating clearly that since Dogara had nothing to do with the local government officials who constantly came to the parliament to disturb us in search of free drinks under the guise of collecting dues, he cannot be guilty. The House screamed in amazement, this was not what was agreed by the sub-committee headed by Ifeanyi who was given the task of streamlining all inputs and coming out with a position. Kai, some people had smuggled in another position and padded the communique thereby misrepresenting the true position of the House. Only in Nigeria. Igwe still paid for my drink. Phew!

The Banker’s Suicide

I write with a heavy heart. I am sure you guys have heard the story of the banker who killed himself over debts. The story like we have heard is that the hapless young man put a bullet to his head because of debts he could not handle but owed the bank by his customers. The bank has come out to deny this, stating that he was subsumed by personal debt. This statement from the bank is cold and expected. If you have worked in a bank before and have been faced with bad debt from your customer you will understand what I am trying to say. It is a lonely place to be as the system moves against you. No emotions and no pity. You start on the road to perfidy from suspension without pay, to out-right sack and in some benevolent cases you are ‘borrowed’ the money to pay back. All these happens irrespective of the fact that before the money was disbursed the application had gone through rigorous risk management processes and approvals at all levels from the Board to the Head of Department. But when the loan goes bad, the poor account officer is left alone in the cold, stark naked with his cross to bear. I am not happy that this young man lost his life and I am also not sure he did what he did as a result of the loan, but I am happy this has given me the opportunity to say my own about this wicked practice. I have seen it happen to too many bright young bankers who have lost their careers and future needlessly because of a cowardly system which celebrates mediocrity at leadership levels. Our ‘’ogas’ have never heard of the moniker, ‘the buck stops here’. For them, in the case of a loan gone bad, the buck stays with you. How many more suicides will we see before something is done? To me, this boy is a matyr, I wish I was this courageous. God save us.

Pastor Adeboye and the Non-cooking Wife

I only go to church when I am in trouble. In fact, the last time I went to church was when the Great Nicholas of Investment One sacked me. That time, I went to church to pray for deliverance and a new job, but the sweet girls distracted me with their short skirts and did not allow me send my prayers ‘upstairs’. So you can imagine my dilemma when I walked into a group of young single girls discussing with righteous anger the highly respected Pastor Adeboye’s advice to young men. I hear he had asked them not to marry ladies who could not cook amongst other words of wisdom. These girls were very angry with the Pastor and told him in no certain words to mind his business. What has cooking got to do with being a good wife, after all there are maids who would do all that, they chorused. Kai, I pity these ones o. They will never keep a home. As the day wore on, the message went viral on the Internet with ladies reacting negatively to the words of wisdom. We are in trouble in this country, so majority of single ladies do not believe in cooking for their husbands anymore? You see why men, will continue to look outside. Our mothers have failed us if they cannot indoctrinate these salient facts into the thick heads of their daughters. So as a lady you expect that you will have a stable marriage if you cannot cook? Well, I have informed my madam, to immediately start the cooking lessons for my 12 and seven year old girls. Before the end of the year, I have told them, they must both cook Afang and Afia efere for me to eat, failure which, I will finally marry a new wife. That is the caveat I have given my wife this night. My dear Pastor I am on your side this time, any woman who cannot cook is as useless as uselessness can be. I owe nobody an apology.

Donald Trump is My Candidate

To my fellow Americans, I want to state here that ever since I saw the nude pictures of Trump’s wife, I have decided to cast my vote in favour of the only American who will make porn legal. So I urge all Americans to please cast their votes for this baba so that more pictures of that his lovely wife would come out. Na beg o.