Well done, Dino Malaye


Let me say this first that I have not seen this kind of loyalty in all of Nigeria. This kind of friendship and selflessness is what we usually see in Italian mafia films,where people kiss the ring of the Boss and swear to eternal allegiance and subservience. When I read of how Dino on his faceboôk page, allegedly said that if there was only one person standing by Saraki at this grueling CCT times, it will be him. Ohh, I am so touched, if only my dear partner Lami can learn from Dino. Dino I’m so happy that at least you have finally seen the main reason you are in the Senate. This is a very noble objective. Spending so much resources canvassing for votes from very hungry and neglected people to receive their mandate which states very boldly that their representative should go and ‘die for Saraki’. Dino Malaye represents a dying breed and we should all learn from this. We should learn how to be very loyal and supportive despite the circumstances. Since I read that statement, I have been going around seeking who I can be so loyal to as to wish to die for the person. After all my search I later discovered that the only person I can be this loyal to is Baba Obj simply because of the fact that he has tribal marks.

Guinness Plc: Don’t Cry
I just saw the last financials of Guinness Plc and I almost wept. The giant beer company recorded over 80% reduction in its profits over last year. Don’t know whether to laugh or cry. This is really sad as this is could be a reflection of the current hardships we face as Nigerians. The situation is dire when people cannot even afford to drink to cover their sorrow. Today strong blue chip firms like Guinness is recording the kind of results that would make them a laughing stock amongst serious firms. This ‘funny’ result to me is not even their problem. Their problem in my own estimation is their inability to properly dimension the problem with a view to resolving it once and for all. Their over paid analysts have identified the harsh operating environment as part of if not the major reason for their performance. I beg to disagree, if you ask me their problems can be put squarely at the doorsteps of the wonderful men of God that litter our environment, as those ones continue to win souls, the urge to drink beer or stout reduces with the same proportion. My personal research also shows that as more and more pool become ‘born again’ as a result of the activities of these people, the bottom line of Guinness and other such firms continue to decline in the same proportion. So to get Guinness back into winning ways, we have to adopt these three pronged strategies. First they should erect very huge billboards directly infront  of the Redeemed Camp, Winners Chapel and The synagogue. This is so that as the people are throngin out of the churches, they are met with the very tasty and appealing billboards exhorting them to drink and be merry. Secondly, they must also reduce the drinking age from 18 to about 15 to catch them young and finally they should either look at acquiring the holy water packaging business of Pastor Joshua with a view to bottling it and selling to the public. With the right label and marketing strategy, Guinness should be out of this doldrums in the  shortest possible timeWhile we are awaiting a recovery plan, can they kindly try ,selling Zobo. It just might do the trick.

Olisa Metuh Slumps
I have just learnt that my friend Olisa slumped from his chair and was rushed to the national Hospital. We spoke on the phone last week and he apologised for his inability to attend my upcoming play and because of the Wahala he was facing with E…….C he would not be able to support. I did not doubt him, for I have known him for years as a very healthy  sprite young man. He sounded weary and from his voice, I could tell that he was tired. Whatever he may have done wrong,I plead for leniency. I pray that the new overlords will be touched by the Holy Sprirt and cause the stoppages of  all persecution of my friend, Chief Olisa Matuh.

A career in the police Force
Over 700,000 people have applied for a job in the police force. This Avalanche like the immigration one before it was meant to fill a few slots within the force. If you see the main reasons for such a huge outpouring of affection for the Police Force you will begin to understand the reason behind this massive push towards the force. First and foremost as a policeman you get free housing in one of their many barracks that can be found all over the nation. You also get not to pay bus fares, you get juicy postings especially if you a re a ‘mopol’, you watch matches free of charge at viewing centers amongst other perks that comes with being an officer of one of the most respected institutions in Black Africa. So you see why people even sell their last belongings to make sure that their wards/children get the very rare opportunity to join and serve. This is a real radical shift becuase some few years ago, nobody wanted to join the force, but today due to their ‘meritorious’ services especaially the police is now the favourite career destination for many young Nigerians. I’m so happy.

#Occupy National Assembly
We remain a very funny people. Of all the things that is bothering us in this nation, it is the matter between Saraki and his Demons that has warranted us to match to occupy the National Assembly.  Bigger problems that we daily face has not evolved into any hashtag protest. How this occupation will bring back the price of the dollar or how this will erase the fuel queues is left to be seen. As usual we have once again refused to see the tree for the jungle as it is usually said. While occupying the National Assembly, let’s not forget to occupy all filling stations as they continue to hoard the already scarce commodity, the offices of the NFF for their continuous power struggle which has led to our failure to reach the finals of the cup of nations and finally me I am hashtag my landlord for amongst other reasons increasing the rents despite my plea for leniency. Let the season of hash tagging commence.

Loudwhispers : the backstory
Finally the day has come. The day that my very first produced Olay will be showing at the Musin Centre to a wide swath of some of the very critical theatre going crowd. It has been a fun three weeks at the national Theatre camp of the rehearsals, with cast and crew even though very hard working still had time to play, prank themselves while still memorising their lines. One of the highlights of the period was the visiting of the camp by the very beautiful Bolanle Austen Peters. She came in and immediately took over the direction of the play from my very good friend and talented director, William Benson. After her visit, scenes and characterisation were amended . Alibaba remained his jovial self throughout the period cracking everybody with his natural gifted talent. I saw veteran actors like Lari Williams hang around the Camp.  I also witnessed a lot of ‘sweet young things’ all jingling and jangling along as they rehearsed dance sequences. The audience will be treated to some of the best theatrical offerings during this play. The highlight of which is the scene depicting a certain joseph Edgar the writer and social critique being harangued by ‘Igor’’ for running after his wife. As the camp closes, I would like to state that I will miss the buka rice, the camaraderie that spread amongst all members of the crew, the leveling fun that evolved us all forgetting who as the star or the wakapass. William made sure that the experience especially for me was unforgettable. Let me thank him for his talent, his dexterity and total understanding of what I tried to say in the book and the message that it carried by his very beautiful depiction on life theatre. Guys you should watch this.