Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Taiwo Oyedele: Jobs for the Boys 

I suddenly saw a list of Lagos bankers submitted to the BGL Group by a former commissioner. According to her, these are people who make up an advisory committee set up for the Honourable Minister of Finance and Coordinator of the Economy. I have not seen the news report on the main newsfeeds, but I have seen a picture of the minister handshaking these brilliant bankers.

From my quick rundown of the list, it looks like the Oga just packed all those who have been associated with him in his long career into the said committee. From his account officers, to the credit officer, to his relationship manager, to his auditor and even the receptionist in one of those offices he used to frequent on the job. From this list, it was very clear that this would form another framework for another ego-boosting, high-faulting waste of time and resources.

Under his ministry, I am very sure that he has access to enough resources, both human and otherwise, has access to parastatals and even has access to international agencies who will be more than willing to support, so why go and drag these ones from their offices in Lagos to further complicate the already existing red tape in the system?

You even have Dr Fasua out there at the Presidency and so many other eggheads within and around you, na until you go and pick the person that helped you manage your account at the bank before you will do your work as a minister?

All this rigmarole is due to our faltered and failed democracy. There are no checks anymore and no real monitoring.  This is why ministers like these are on a free train ride to “Paramaribo,” just a wild goose chase.  We just start for this country. Kai.

Dave Umahi: My Name is Umahi, Dave Umahi

If you are a fan of the British Detective series James Bond, you will be familiar with this line of introduction. Whenever the dashing detective wants to introduce himself, he would say: “I am Bond, James Bond,” and then proceed to do some fantastic things.

These days, anytime I see this fantastic minister and the many things ascribed to him, that introduction will just comes to my head – Umahi, Dave Umahi.

This oga is nothing but a James Bond as he jumps from one issue to another. He will just float above it all, placating, ducking and dicing, saying everything and saying nothing. Juxtaposing his submissions with anecdotes, pidgin English and a mastery of the slippery elusiveness of Chinua Achebe’s Unoka.

A lot is happening around him, both officially and personally, and all you get are very slippery responses – nothing you can hold on to and in some cases, like the Lagos-Calabar road and excess flooding, aggressive retorts that come across like – who the hell are you to query me, the deputy Emperor and my beloved Emperor?

Some very funny stories are coming out of his village mansion. Main media has not been bold enough to carry it because he has blackmailed them with legal action, leaving the whole stench within the unconfirmed ambits of anonymous speculations by shadowy social media blogs, thereby firmly leaving the sordid tale within the bowels of the escapists, “allegedly.”

Whatever the case is, I just want to say Idi Amin Dada of Uganda had an end. Emperor Bokassa had an end; this and others like this will surely have an end, so enjoy the ride while it lasts.

This man just makes us feel like we are not worthy of him, despite the fact that power nestles with the people. Quite annoying. Thanks.

Julius Rone: Let It Flow

Julius is not called the Gas King for nothing. The man has just signed a 15-year gas supply deal that opens up his UTM to a consistent gas supply, and this would open them up to more comprehensive funding on better terms and other such brilliant platforms that bring this very worthy dream to fruition.

The other day at Gabriel Ogbechie’s 60th, Julius waltzed in with his arms akimbo, and you could tell that this bobo was on to something big. He sat beside me, ordered his drink and smiled. “Edgar, wetin dey happen?” and I responded, “Nothing o. Na your face we dey look. How is the project going?”  He smiled again, “My brother, we dey push am.”

Julius is well-positioned as the world is looking more and more at clean energy, and Nigeria has some of the largest pools of gas in the world. His LNG will be a major player, and we just might be having another Aliko Dangote in our hands at this pace.

Well done, bro. We are all standing by you, and we know for a fact that you will deliver powerfully on this promise. Well done, sir.

Abubakar Malami: 48 Laws of Power

I know a lot of you will scream now o. So Edgar can read. So this very popular book, 48 Laws of Power, gets quoted by people who want to pretend that they are intellectuals. Anyway, the book has nothing to do with what I want to write about this bobo.

It is, however, the number of houses the court has asked to be frozen and seized from him as having been acquired from the proceeds of illegal activity. My people, I hear the EFCC even asked for 51, but the court found it in their good stead to take only 48 and leave the rest for him as a retirement reward for such a glowing career.

So this one, as Attorney General, wanted to join Aliko and Elumelu on the Forbes list? How can someone who was Attorney General, the country’s chief law officer, now find himself in this kind of mess? So while he was in office and prosecuting people, he was also doing the very same thing he was pretending to be fighting.

Nothing amazes us anymore in this country, but then again, the grand scale of these crimes really is shocking. Did he even think that he could get away with it? He and his “fake agency” purveyor are really poor students of history because there is no way that history will not come back to bite them. No way. This is always the people’s consolation: history gets the last laugh. This was just plain greed on show. Kai.

Oyinkansola Badejo-Okusanya: Hope Rising at the NBA

You know the NURTW, WWE and other such professional bodies now have more respect than this Bar association. The thing has dropped from such huge heights when Aka Bashorun was the President to the very low rungs of societal reckoning.

The NBA used to be a strong bastion for the protection of human rights, the common man’s hope for protection and the wedge we used to push for good governance. Today, the whole structure is a caricature of its former self. It is now a laughing stock whose annual conventions have become a sordid theatre for the absurd, where struggles for food packs and corporate gifts remain the main activity in what is now seen as a meaningless jamboree.

People like us have since pushed the association to the background, with its members strutting around in torn and dirty-looking gowns. The profession has really turned a full circle, with society turning the wheels of respect away from it and focusing on other things.

But wait, the candidacy of this lady, who happens to be the wife of PR giant Yomi, seems to be injecting some much-needed energy into the space. I hear that she is being seen as an “outsider”, and this is exactly why people like us are beginning to root for her.

What have the so-called “insiders” done to better the profession? They are sitting there doing insiders when judges are asking lawyers to kneel down and raise their hands in court. They are doing insiders when their members are being bullied and beaten up left, right and centre all over the country.

Mbok, if the system has some sense and modicum of respect, they should look very closely at this Oyinkan candidacy with clear eyes because from what I am seeing as a far outsider, it is the need for the association to regain its respect and to do this, the first thing is to get respectable leadership, and this is where this madam comes to play. Make I just shut up ooo.

Muhammadu Buhari: The Man Who Saw Yesterday

Just like that, it’s been one year since we lost our former military Head of State, President and elder statesman, Muhammadu Buhari. The event just came and went like that o. If not for NTA, the thing would have passed through with no real mention.

In fact, the news of the death of one mobster in Fadeyi, Lagos, overshadowed the anniversary of the passing of the strong man.

Buhari missed a chance at history. He was the luckiest of the luckiest. A simple, averagely intelligent fellow with no charisma, no presence and no real personality and in a country as complex and brimming with stronger personalities, God decided to choose him to give – GOC, Member Supreme Military Council, military Head of State, two-time civilian President and yet, he just strolled through like one journeyman in Shomolu.

It is very hard to stick by the maxim of not saying negative things about the dead when it comes to Buhari, because we are still wondering how he squandered so much good luck and goodwill that God reposed on him.

He was so detached that he made the maxim “I am not aware,” a driving motor of his regime.

Please, let his family celebrate him, for we as a nation, there is nothing to celebrate. This country ehn, we will see well-qualified people to lead, and it is this kind that will not only lead but hold on to power. Na wa. I am sorry for this diatribe on a man who is no longer around to defend himself; it is what it is. Finish.

Uche Nnaji: A Hero in Court

Hero, my foot. This one waltzed into court to start his forgery case with his hands in the air like Nelson Mandela. The clip remains very annoying to me, I swear. Someone must have told him – bro, camera and pressmen go dey there. So do like Sowore, smile, raise your hand like Fela make dem no think say you guilty.

He took the advice and raised both hands like a political prisoner, smiling and opening his teeth. I don’t know what some people even think. Facing a case like this, even if you end up not guilty, is enough for a sane person to have a rethink. You didn’t go to school, why forge your results when you can do online classes, pay someone to do the exams like your colleagues are doing and come out with a bona fide degree, even if it is third class?

When I was in UNILAG, doing my master’s – yes, I have a master’s in case you look at my Dada and be carrying Majek Fashek eye and be looking at me – we had one big Igbo” politician. He was so rich and influential and used to bleach his skin. He hardly came to school, and the day he came, it was carnival. Police escort, dancers, fans and all of us, plus lecturers, will be dancing because that day, everybody went home with something.

But he was a nice guy as he would now announce: “Guys, lecture wan start, make uan wait outside,” and he would personally lock the door, and lectures would start. He would listen, ask necessary questions and after the class, engage in the usual arguments that come with a political science class.

It was June 12, and he was very critical in explaining to us what was going on as a top member of NRC. He passed and got his master’s degree legally and diligently. He got people to photocopy lecture notes and handouts and send them to him by DHL, and he called in to talk to the lecturers; he was fun. Only God knows where he is now. I hope he is alive o.

Meanwhile, this “dodoyo” allegedly went to forge everything and did not even go for any other yeye portfolio but Science and Technology. Imagine the irony, minister in charge of science wey no go school. A true rabbit. Kai.

Carter Efe, Portable: Symbols of the Olodo Menace

Ruth Osime invited me to come and discuss the olodo menace on her show the other day. The olodo menace is the phrasing by a rap star of the continuous incompetence that pervades our society. Today, it seems the unintelligent have taken over almost all facets of our society – from leadership, governance, education, health, and entertainment.

No two people symbolise this malaise more than Carter Efe, an extremely popular social media influencer who calls himself a streamer, and Portable, the grunge musician who annoys society but makes money while at it. Their antics make people cringe. From running around in coloured hair semi-nude, screaming inanities and all sorts of unintelligible cravings, but curing the interest of millions and making millions while at it.

Today, the very unintelligible find themselves in the forefront of national discourse. All you need to do is listen to debates at the National Assembly, you will puke, or read the comment sections of these blogs, your eyes will pop up. I have seen doctors who can’t speak, lawyers who struggle to put two good sentences together, and bank officials who cannot come up with the rate of Naira in a simple conversation on exchange rates. I once sat with a bank director who didn’t know what GDP was.

It is all crazy out there, and it is going to get worse as the glib takes over public discourse with the aid of increasingly cheap access to social media. It’s really rough out there o. Kai.