Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Goodluck Jonathan: Please Don’t Come

Please sir, don’t come and add your own. What we are facing is already too much with Tinubu, Atiku, Obi and the others in the circus.

You are now attempting to add your own, which may just be too much for Nigerians to bear.

I have seen a report where you were quoted to have said that contesting the Nigerian presidency isn’t a computer game….

My brother with that one you are correct and this is why as you said you are consulting what you should be asking those you are consulting or your family members is what else you should be doing with your free time instead of coming to annoy us any further.

So because we have been progressively moving from frying pan to fire since you left, you now want to come and think that we are having nostalgia for you.

I am sure it’s all that comparison between your time and now that is making your Bowler hat refuse to sit on your head again.

Please sir, smell the coffee, Nigeria is looking for fresh legs, fresh brains and not recycled leadership. We are only just hunkering down with our heads in between our legs as they tell us to do when a plane is in rough air hoping that when we stabilise, leadership will come.

Let me do like Martin Luther King Jnr- I have gone to the mountain top and I have a dream and I certainly do not see Goodluck Ebele Jonathan anywhere near leadership.  

Adams Oshiomhole: Back to School

Senator Oshiomhole was beaten black and blue. I almost pitied him the other day when I saw footage of him dressed like Harrison Ford in his usual khaki safari suits, shouting at the Senate President Goodswill Akpabio on a matter. The whole thing came to a halt when the Senate President gave him a last warning: “If you don’t be careful, we will use broom and sweep you like cockroach comot for here.” This made Adams calm down, realising that this was not an Air Peace moment, power has passed power.

But what was the issue? They say that only senators from the 9th and 10th assemblies can vie for Senate Presidency, which completely removes the 11th Assembly, where I hear Adams is nestled. This effectively bars any ambitions he would be having for the Senate Presidency, hence the NLC-like tantrum in the chambers.

The one that made me really laugh was when Akpabio said, “You will go back to your village and contest, and come here without knowing the rules.” This Akpabio can yab.

Anyway, what concerns us on the streets as no matter who emerges, “e no really concern us” as it is the same 10 and 10 pence for the people. It will still be the same. So, they can continue to abuse themselves, nack gavel on their head and insult each other. When the time comes, the true Nigerian Senate will emerge.

Secondly, I hear that Oshiomhole too has gone to say that we should move against MTN and DStv in response to the evil xenophobia attacks in South Africa.

This is why Akpabio likes to yab him when he will not calm down and do his research before he opens his mouth. MTN is partly owned by Nigerians and is quoted on the NGX. Furthermore, its staff strength is 95% Nigerian, so who will be hurt more if the government takes his ill-thought-out advice seriously? MTN Nigeria, which is one of the largest taxpayers in the country. Secondly, even the DStv, a common small Google search would show you that DStv is owned by French Canal+ and is no longer South African-owned. Is this how he will even run the Senate if he wins the seat?  Na wa.

Tunji Alausa: A Brilliant Move

My brother just announced that the federal government has regulated the issuance of honorary doctorates in our universities. Mbok, the thing don tire us. Everybody is now a doctor oo. Some will even go as far as Cotonou to go and collect doctor titles. It is this rash of doctors everywhere that made me not go for a PhD because we would not know the difference.

From the junior staff in some banks to Uber drivers, and most female corporate executives, everybody na honorary doctor, and they will be doing shakara like they even read Lancombe’s in secondary school.

It got so bad that even universities with no finite PhD programms were also giving out honorary doctorates for financial and political reasons. The churches were the worst. They will just open one Jankara seminary, and the next thing, they will be churning out doctorates, and the people will be spitting on our faces because they now think they are doctors.

Mbok, I am so happy with this policy. These doctors will now let us hear word. I used to have a friend when I was working at NAL Merchant Bank. He was an assistant manager like me, and one day, I just started seeing ‘Dr’ in front of his name. I said to him, “Aghh, no be me and you dey chase target, when did you become a doctor?”  He laughed and said it was a honorary with a smirk.

Mbok it’s enough abeg, anybody that wants to be a doctor should go and read abeg. Thank you.

Peter Obi: A Rolling Stone Gathering No Moss

This one’s supporters will just be abusing someone up and down. Once you just say one thing that they don’t like, they will just be abusing you and cursing out your family. They really are not a sensible bunch, and that is why their leader is just jumping up and down like someone who has devil beans in his pants.

From APGA to PDP to LP to ADC and now to NDC. I just saw a cartoon that says that by the time he finishes, he may end up in NURTW.

All I did during the week was to query his jumping up and down in a system that he himself has no confidence in. If you say that INEC is one kind and the judiciary is one thing, why jump from one party to the other only to now go and seek validation from the same system that, according to you, is doing you in? No be juju be that?

That is all I said in an article, and the next thing, they started abusing my mother and father. One even said that I have HIV. Look at me, I don’t brook rubbish, as I will not engage in useless Twitter rants. Anybody that is ready, he should just come to Onipanu bus stop, and I will deal with them as Carter did with Portable. Go and ask Gisorin, the last guy I beat to a pulp at Morocco bus stop in Shomolu that year.

I have never seen a bunch of dreamers who are hallucinating with an overdose of shisha like these Obidient people. Now they say over 10 million people have registered in the new NDC, that is what we used to hear, like that voters card registration. Mbok, make una leave me olo, our saviour will soon emerge. The time is nigh, I tell you. Fingers crossed.

Jim Ovia: The End of An Era of Immense Proportion

They say Mr Ovia has stepped down as Chairman of the almighty Zenith Bank Plc. Kai, you will be wondering why I used the word “almighty”? Have you seen their results? Mehn, those guys are not joking. All indices crossing the trillion naira mark, and the man who started it all retiring at this point?

I once read somewhere how the young Jim had gone to convince Baba Otubu, my egbon Dere’s father, to invest in the bank instead of building something. That move made Baba the first Chairman of Zenith, and as they say, the rest is history.

Mr Ovia has, over the years, carried himself with elusive dignity. He has been very low-key as best as he can be with such a high profile and working outside of the klieg lights to deliver impact in various sectors like technology and education.

Let me not write too much before I go and talk pass myself, and quickly wish Mr Ovia, who incidentally made the Maddtimes Coffee table book of the Most Powerful Nigerians, a happy retirement. Well done, sir.

Tosin Eniolorunda; Mouthing a Turbulence

It was Fela that said, “When trouble sleep, yanga go wake am, wetin he dey find…” That is exactly what this young man has gone to do. You see a horde of frustrated Nigerian youths everywhere, and you now went to look for their trouble. You open your mouth and say that you have 500 vacancies and cannot find enough Nigerians out of the 20 million unemployed youth to employ.

Mbok, the way the youths have come at this bobo, you will pity him and his Moniepoint. The last time anyone yabbed Nigerian youths was President Buhari, who had called them lazy, and he suffered for it. This one with one “chukunu” microfinance bank now carries his afro and calls our youths unskilled and olodo.

People have come out of the woodwork to take him out o. They have so finished him that you will be pitying his forbears. Even though he has some truths in it, because really looking for skill in this labour market can be daunting. However, saying you cannot find 500 is a stretch.

A quick look at his so-called website you will see that there are only 39 vacancies available. This is what you get when you allow tech nerds to communicate. This kind of thing, he should be represented and not go out there without the necessary communication skills, and he goofed big time.

Tosin really needs a crash course in communications, but as it is now, it is even too late. What he needs now is a quick Masterclass in crisis and reputational management. He should call me urgently.

Justice Crack: A Different View

This is not a straightforward case. So, all these self-appointed consciences of the country had better up their game. You just don’t because you have access to social media and you have followership, just jump into issues without understanding the full ramifications.

Anything military is sensitive as it borders on national security and, by extension, throws all 200 million of us into credible risk.

So, this Justice person gets footage of food being served to our soldiers on the war front. True, true, what he showed us was really poor. If it is true that that is the ration that our soldiers are being served, then we should all be ashamed of ourselves. So, Justice throws it out there, and as expected, there is a loud cry by Nigerians.

The military authorities move in and reportedly “kidnap” him. For days, nobody knew where he was, and they later came out to talk about the general ramifications of that post, especially as it affects the morale of the soldiers and cohesion, which I agree with.

But as usual, instead of the army being responsible in their response, they did the jankiriwo way. They allegedly “abduct” the guy for days, keep him out of circulation, trample on his rights, and after all the hue and cry which went as far as the Presidency, they released him to civil authority, who have now taken him to court. This was the right thing to do in the first place.

My own opinion is that if what the boy said is true, then the army should concentrate its energy on ramping up the welfare of its troops because they are, as we speak, the most valuable Nigerians.  The content activists, too, should also look very carefully before they act so they don’t cross the lines of national security. Please, let us just give Justice Crack 12 strokes of the cane and let him go back to his family while we concentrate on the very important task of soldiers’ welfare. Thanks.

Richard Mofe-Damijo: A Satire on Divorce

I have not heard from my big brother in a while. The last time I saw him was at the opening of Mudi’s outlet in Lekki. So, as I was scrolling down IG, I saw a satire he had written about divorce, which almost made me collapse in laughter.

He said when a rich man is losing his marriage, you will hear press statements, court cases, alimony, lawyers, etc.

But when a poor man is about to be divorced, the wife will just wait for him to go to work and park her load and send him a text, saying – I don go ooo, I don leave key for window. I no fit do again. I laughed and laughed until my ribs were cracking. This RMD ehn, na something else. Lol.

A Slew of Sex Tapes

This is the best time to be in Nigeria if you are a fan of sex tapes. It seems to be pouring sex tapes almost weekly.

Once you go on IG, you will get a prompt to rush to Telegram to see the latest offerings. The earliest Nigerian sex tape was the one with an actress and her oyibo lover. They apparently had recorded their activities and sent in the phones for repairs, and voila, we all were having a front row seat.

Since then, we have been inundated with a slew of sex tapes, with a lot coming from low-profile people, and these litter the Telegram space.

In the recent past, sex tapes of T, the International singer, and M, the light-skinned actress, captured our imagination.

For T, she had warned us that she was being blackmailed and that her sex tape would soon be released.

Nigerians went gaga, and the clip hit xvideos, the sex site and garnered millions of views.

She waded through it and came out stronger and even released a song about the experience.

For the actress, she chose a lackey who didn’t even know what to do with her huge endowments.

She enjoyed herself as she moaned, but Nigerians gave the man a low rating for not being able to smash the actress, who was the apple of many people’s eyes.

Then the socialite sent her nudes to the octogenarian, whose wife later released them to the public.

The one that is hitting the headlines is the one of the herbal trader, her hubby and her friend. I hear this has six versions, but I have only seen two.

As I write, the sex tape of one of Nigeria’s most acclaimed footballers’ younger brother is in circulation.

Although married to the younger sister of billionaire blogger L, he was said to have been carrying on an affair with a young lady after lying to her that he was single.

When she found out in annoyance, she released their tape.

One warning I will give is that once you record, the chances that it will be leaked are very high. So keep recording so we can be watching. It’s been fun. Kai!