Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

President Tinubu: Let’s Focus on Good Governance

The official report says it is indiscipline and routine arrest, but the media has been agog with news of a … I dey fear to mention the name o. Remember during Babangida and Abacha’s time, some people lost their lives and freedom simply by sharing a plate of pepper soup with plotters. So, it is not me who will now open my big mouth in this widely read column and call that name when the government has called it “routine arrest for indiscipline.”

Well, whatever it is, President Tinubu should seize this august occasion to address some things. First, he should reward his juju man for doing a fantastic job.

I am very sure that it was that Alfa that would have sent an early morning signal, rushing into Baba’s room and screaming, “won bo,” which means “they are coming” in Yoruba. Baba would have quickly called Seyi and screamed, “Oya, where is that cowrie? Let us disappear o.”  Remi would have shouted, “Blood of Jesus”, and Baba would have told her, “Be shouting there, don’t come and collect your own cowrie.”

Mummy would have gone on her knees and called on the God of Adeboye and Oyakhilome, “Oohhh God!!!” Then one of her busy body aides would have reminded her that it is fire prayer that is needed now and not the bowtie calmness of Adeboye prayer o.

She would then switch to MFM fire:  “Oh God, destroy by revolting fire our enemies as they approach,” and all her staff will be nodding their heads and screaming “Amen! Amen! Amen!”

Then the CSO would walk in briskly, and in a tracksuit, holding a walkie-talkie and announcing, “Everything is under control.” But by then, Baba was already in France because that is where the cowrie took himto. Only Mummy would be left in the bedroom, still on her knees, and she would ask CSO, “Are you sure?” And he will say, “Certain!  It has been contained.”

Standing up, mummy would quickly say, “Call Bayo to issue a statement,” and he would reply,  “Your Excellency, last we saw him, he was approaching the Cameroun border with his box on his head… he has run away.”

My people, whatever we want to call it, it’s not a joke. Our democracy must be safeguarded, and the only way we can do this is to ramp up good governance at all levels. He also needs to prevail on politicians to be democratic in their conducts. Anything less, we are on our own. Thank you.

Olubunmi Tunji-Ojo: A Cat and a Minister

You know how they say it – a cat with its nine lives. This minister seems to have exhausted two of his nine. Remember, he was mentioned in the earlier wahala that took away the very beautiful minister, Betta Edu. Now reports that we are seeing are adding his name to the NYSC wahala. We hear that some groups of busybodies have gone to submit a petition that his NYSC discharge certificate was signed by a jobber, amongst other inconsistencies.

You see, the thing in all of these is the weakness of the systems. These people just scale through all sorts of screenings to the job and fall at the slightest scrutiny. To be a minister, I hear your party will screen you, the enforcement will screen you, your local government will screen you, National Assembly will screen you before they now ask you to take a bow.

It is usually a walk in the park, and this is why most of these people are emboldened to do these things, knowing fully well that even if they are caught, they can negotiate their way to remain or worse case, they will be asked to leave with a handshake and possibly with all benefits intact.

Integrity is gone, nothing like that in this our country, I swear. Integrity has died with Awolowo. What we now have is amala leadership, where shame is no longer a currency.

Wait and hear the official explanation for this one, you will just faint. Na wa.

Senator Ned Nwoko, Let’s Swap and Replace

I don’t really like this Baba for so many reasons that I don’t want to go into because I hear that the man is very intolerant of yabis and rants. So, I respect myself, not that I don’t have the power or courage to withstand whatever it is he will be throwing at me, it’s just that this year, I really don’t want to fight.

Anyways, there is one thing that I like about him, though: his unabashed marital status, which is decidedly polygamous.

My people, men have stopped being men. Men out of fear will be doing serial monogamy- that is, having a series of girl friends with one wife. They are today so afraid to embrace what is naturally our own – polygamy, and will be defending monogamy with one mouth and jumping from one bed to the other.

My dear senator makes polygamy glamorous. What with the bevvy of beauties he has lined up? Some of us, his mentees, really envy him and do hope that he will write a handout so that we can buy and study.

The other day, his most popular wife ran amok. She was shown smashing his car and lamenting -ohhh, I am nothing in Ned’s house but something in my home, and Nigerians were doing a pity party for her.

Baba just elegantly took another wife to go and receive an award, like nothing is happening. When he came back, and I am sure after one bout in the other room with yet another wife, he issued a statement – Regina is on drugs.

Since then, he no talk again. Wow, such a cool move. I swear a replacement is being curated as we speak, and if that Regina, despite all of her beauty, doesn’t retrace her step back, I will gladly join the wine carrying for a new wife.

Senator, mbok, should we be going this route? Let us consider someone from Akwa Ibom. An Ibibio girl will come to you with culinary skills and heavenly skills in the other room that you will, for once, forget about social media.

Well done, sir, and I must say that I admire the way you handle this matter, and it is simply because you have the capacity to swap and replace.

I tell you, any man who does not have the capacity to swap and replace will just be doing himself a whole lot of damage in Nigeria of today. I swear, women will just be carrying your head and mopping the floor, and even your mother-in-law will open her wrapper and piss on your head.

Senator Ned has taught me that to be able to swap and replace is the only thing that can give you sanity in marriage in Nigeria today, and this ability is what will bring Regina back on her knees because outside is not easy.

When can you do lunch, Senator? I need to give you afang because that Moroccan abi na Algerian that I am seeing with you will just be giving you indomie to eat. Let’s do better afang and pounded yam when you are less busy, my hero.

Nicolas Sarkozy – A President, Prisoner and Man

Something happened almost very quietly during the week. This former French President walked with confidence and with courage into jail. I think he was convicted for something he did with the former Libyan strongman, Gaddafi. Not sure if it was with him or for him. Anyways, he found himself facing five years in jail.

When he was convicted, I watched him deliver a powerful statement that he was innocent and that France was on trial and not him. I watched with intent, thinking that there is no way that this one will go to jail.

Apparently, I was thinking like a Nigerian because during the week, the man walked into jail.

If you have not watched the footage, please go and look for it. It was really amazing, I tell you.

He kissed his wife; his supporters were all there, and the authorities were there. No black maria, no guns, no policemen frowning and using a koboko to flog people, no handcuffs, no dragging and pushing him.

Just him in a fine suit, holding hands with his beautiful wife, walking steadily with pride and his head held up high and straight to the car with his supporters screaming and hailing him. And from there straight into a five-year prison term. He carried three books with him.

It was such an elegant way to go to jail. Kai, I loved it. Thank you.

What’s Going on, Gov Bassey Otu?

Now I don’t know if it is the governor or the judiciary or the police or even the church to hold on this one o.

I am sure you guys have heard the story of the pastor who went to church in Ikom in Cross River State and got three bullets in his head for his efforts. The family tracked his car to Lagos and found it in a mechanics workshop. The mechanic said it was a pastor who brought in the car, and the pastor was arrested. He first denied ever going to Ikom, but his wife gave him up as saying that he had just come back from Ikom. He was taken to Ikom, where the pastor was said to have confessed that he actually shot the colleague and dashed the car to this pastor.

Shebi that is open and shut abi? No, we are in Nigeria and not in Lesotho. The case was taken to court, and after a series of adjournments, the judge was said to have released the accused on “health grounds”, and since then, over two years ago, the pastor is all over Ikom doing miracles and remitting tithes to his mother Church on the Lagos-Ibadan Expressway.

When Nigeria happens to you, it happens like American wrestling, I swear. It will just carry your head and give you a body slam.

Pray, how can a man leave his home to go to church to preach only to meet three bullets in his head? My God, and the people who did it are walking free and still pastoring their church, and the GO will be there drinking tea with God?

Thankfully, the younger brother of the victim went on social media, which has made the Cross River State Government wake up to its responsibility of helping the family secure justice.

God, which kind of country is this na? I will japa ooo.

Sir Kensington Adebutu: 90 Years as a King

Let me quickly send birthday greetings to Daddy at 90. Daddy is Sir Kensington Adebutu, the one we all know as Baba Ijebu. Daddy has lived a fully rewarding life, berthing some of Nigeria’s most enduring businesses. From agriculture to sports betting to engineering, Baba’s input has grown those sectors significantly.

In culture and in tradition, he stands tall and this is why all drums have been rolled out to celebrate him at 90. The other day he donated N4 billion to four different local governments in his state and also donated to tertiary institutions and the rest.

I hear a huge party is planned for him at the scenic Eko Convention Centre, and by the time you would be reading this, the party will be over, and Bisi, his son and my friend, will not have fulfilled his promise of sending me the invite. Anyways, it is not about Bisi but about Daddy, who, for all intents and purposes, is a great man. Happy birthday, sir.

A Massive Kind of Revelation from Orji Uzor Kalu

Senator from Abia State has dropped a bomb o. He says that our pilots now smoke Indian hemp or, better still, marijuana. His position is meant to justify all the runway mishaps we have been experiencing. I tell you, with this revelation, oga should be appointed into either NDLEA or aviation.

This insight is so telling that it would have taken either a genius or an alumnus to crack, and either way, he should be pulled in to help solve the problem that he has discovered.

This man just makes me laugh each time he speaks, and to think that this pantomime has been within the corridors of power for so long just tells you what kind of country we find ourselves in. Marijuana ko, Igbo ni.

Folake Ani-Mumuney: How are You, My Friend

Folake was the brilliant head of corporate communications at the giant First Bank of Nigeria until very recently. She left under a cloud and has been quiet since.

During the week, I reached out to say hello and had a beautiful conversation. Her contributions to the sector have gone a long way not only to strengthen marketing communications but in their own way have positively impacted our financial system.

Giants like her don’t sleep, as I found out. Despite her heavy reluctance, she was engaged at the last Institute of Directors conference, which was held in Abuja last week.

She said she is on sabbatical, but Nigeria cannot afford that with her brilliance and huge experience. This is why she is being pulled left and right by different stakeholders for one thing or the other.

This was why I reached out to say, Nigeria still needs you.

Nnamdi Kanu: The Protest, Rulings, My Stand

I have not been following this drama because I really do not understand Nnamdi Kanu’s mission. Backing a dead horse – Biafra, cannot be activism in any form, and also preaching violence while at it just grates me.

So, this is why I just turn my back any time I see his white designer gown.

Then, I started hearing of a planned protest for his release led by my brother Omoyele Sowore, and I still ignored it. What exactly are they asking for his release for? I wondered.

Then, a court said they should not protest around Aso Rock and other sensitive places. Sowore said he would ignore it, and the police dared him. He ignored it, and the next thing I saw was Sowore running away with his supporters.

I wanted to laugh, but could not because it is not a joke.

You see, when institutions have been so bastardised, it is this kind of comic engagement that we find ourselves falling back on.

I hear so many courts have ordered his release to no avail. So, if we won’t obey those orders, why should we now obey the one that says we should not protest?  And if we do not obey orders, why would his lawyer not join the protest out of frustration?

If the man has been released by the court, release him immediately, no matter what or how you feel. The worst you can do is appeal. Oh my God, what kind of a country is this, na? Let me just keep quiet. Thank you.