Of no fixed address
VIEW FROM THE GALLERY BY MAHMUD JEGA
VIEW FROM THE GALLERY BY MAHMUD JEGA
I encountered this phrase for the first time on the pages of the salacious Lagos Weekend newspaper, sometime in the late 1970s. A story said policemen charged a man before a magistrate’s court for some petty crime. They mentioned the man’s name and age, but said he was “of no fixed address.” Even then as a young student, I wondered if the police prosecutor had already poisoned the magistrate’s mind against the accused person. The magistrate was likely to think, “This guy is of no fixed address. If I let him out on bail, where will they ever find him? Even if somebody stands surety for him, where will the surety himself find this person and bring him back to court on the adjourned date?”
I am just wondering. Nigeria Police never gives up on its old bag of prosecutorial tricks. If, for example, it ever charges the naira to court, it will poison the judge’s mind by saying naira is of no fixed address. We used to think that the naira resides in banks, but many times when we go to the bank, the bankers say they have no money, that we should wait for their bullion van to return from Central Bank. So we got the impression that naira resides in CBN, but we later heard that CBN too was waiting for the Mint to print it, which is mostly done abroad.
Even more than naira notes, the value of the naira is of no fixed address. Fifty-two years ago when we were spending pounds, shillings and pence in this country, there was one large two-shilling coin which was known locally as “dala.” I later heard from my Auntie that dala meant dollar. In 1973 a US dollar was equivalent to two shillings, or 20 kobo when we switched to spending naira and kobo from January 1, 1973. In 52 years the dollar has gone up from 20 kobo to 1,560 naira, i.e. it has depreciated 7,800 times.
If ever Nigeria Police charges fuel price to court, it will tell the magistrate that fuel price is of no fixed address. Where does fuel price reside? Is it in NNPC, NUPRC, NMDPRA or even in Aso Rock Villa? Up until thirty years ago, military rulers used to announce petrol pump price in their budget speeches, which afforded Nigeria Labour Congress the chance to go on strike. Petrol pump price is now announced in Dangote Refinery press releases, too unstable for NLC to react.
Police should charge soup ingredients to court because they are of no fixed address. Nobody knows who fixes the price of soup ingredients such as tomato, onions, peppers and green leaves. They fluctuate wildly, from N2,500 for a small basket of tomatoes in the middle of the dry season to up to ten times that in the middle of the rainy season. The other day I entered the market in Abuja, I was moved to tears when I saw a housewife buy one bulb each of tomato, onion and pepper. I wanted to subsidise her, but I remembered that “Subsidy is Gone.”
If Nigeria Police ever prosecute meat, they will say its price is of no fixed address. Even though we see herdsmen marching cattle up and down the bushes, highways and ponds, as a meat consumer you never get to meet them in the market. It is the butchers that you meet, with their sharp knives. They cut the beef for you as if they are cutting it from their own bodies. Whenever I call the man from whom I buy meat in Garki market and ask him about the current price of a kilo, he will say, “Alhaji, the price is still the same, we haven’t changed it.” I will further ask, “How much?” and he will say, “It is still the same.” When they mention the price of a kilo, you wonder why the herdsmen who own the cows are not rich. Why is it that after going up and down the country grazing cows, they still have scant clothing, no houses, no pipe borne water, no electricity, nor even shoes, only slippers and the occasional dark glasses and a stick [and sometimes a hidden AK]?
Nigeria Police should prosecute school fees because they are of no fixed address. Proprietors of private schools hike their fees at the beginning of every session. They cleverly break them down into tuition, books, medicals, caution, exams, PTA, development levy etc. Then they cleverly make a small deduction called “neighbourhood allowance.” Hospital charges too are of no fixed address. Since doctors and nurses in public hospitals are frequently on strike, more and more citizens pay through their noses to patronise private clinics. Most often it is the same doctors that you see in both. One dentist in Zaria once shamelessly referred me to his private clinic, abandoned his patients in the public hospital and drove me in his car to his clinic. When we entered, he sat down behind his desk and said, “What can I do for you?”
Rent in Nigeria is of no fixed address. Nigerian landlords increase rent every time it expires, so if one can afford it, he should better pay for two or three years because if you pay for one year, half way through the year, you will see a notice of rent increase. In 1978, under military ruler General Obasanjo, state governments enacted Rent Control Edicts and even set up rent tribunals in order to protect tenants from Shylock landlords. It didn’t last long. Nigerian landlords do not want tenants to know them, so they always put estate agents in between themselves and tenants. They fear that knowing a tenant and his family could elicit some compassion. I lived in a house at Abuja’s Wuse Zone 7 for four years but did not know the property owner until the day I was packing out. I discovered that the landlord was a politician that I had interviewed several times during my reporting career.
Air fares in Nigeria are of no fixed address. When I went by air from Sokoto to Lagos in 1979, the Nigeria Airways plane made three hops and I had to pay for each one. Sokoto to Kano was N21, Kano to Kaduna was N19 and Kaduna to Lagos was N50, total N90. I thought that was costly, but today, one cannot get a short Keke Napep ride for N90. Forty years later the cost of one hour’s flight in Nigeria is a minimum of N100,000, a 1,111 times increase. The ticket price increases every hour as flight time approaches. Train tickets too are of no fixed address. Last week I had difficulty getting an Abuja to Kaduna train ticket, only to see inside the train that many seats were vacant.
Newspaper cover prices are of no fixed address. The Newspapers Act of 1963 forces them to publish their office address and the names of their editors, but it forgot to regulate their cover price. When I was in Form One in secondary school, I used to buy a newspaper for ten kobo. Today some weekend newspapers cost up to N500 a copy, a 5,000 times increase. If police ever charge newspaper publishers to court, they will tell the magistrate that newsprint, plates, ink, film, printing machines, generators, diesel and distribution vehicles are all of no fixed address. Readers’ pockets too are of no fixed address, hence whereas as a secondary school student I could buy a newspaper, as an editor I had to wait for the office to bring a complimentary copy.
Vehicle prices are of no fixed address. In the late 1970s when a civil servant on Grade Level 8 collected his car loan of N4,000, he could either buy a Volkswagen Beetle for N3,500 and still have some change, or if he wanted the more fashionable Peugeot 504 GR, he must add N200 to the car loan. Peugeot 504 GL went for N4,500, an amount that can hardly buy a gallon of engine oil today. Keke Napep prices too are of no fixed address. Fifteen years ago I escorted a friend who bought two Keke Napeps for N350,000 each. I was shocked recently to discover that the price of a TVS Keke Napep is now N4 million.
The greed of Nigerian politicians is of no fixed address. Major General Muhammadu Iliya Basharu, now Emir of Gwandu, once told me that as Military Governor of old Gongola State in the 1970s, he first heard of security vote when a former Prime Minister of Cameroon suddenly arrived the state on exile. He had no money to take care of the man, until his Secretary to the Military Government [SMG] told him that there is a security vote for such emergency purposes. Within years, security vote became a pandemic. Since then, politicians invented budget padding, “oversight” shakedowns, “constituency projects,” jettisoned separation of powers, made budget laws voluntary, discarded procurement rules, dribbled the Constitution around, defect every day to ruling parties, work towards a one party state, and drive in convoys as long as a train. Human greed is of no fixed address.
