Rotimi Amaechi my paddy had a strange premonition that morning as he woke up from a deep slumber. He was to travel to Port Harcourt and his mind remained dark. He could not figure out what the problem was. He turned to his beautiful wife and mentioned to her that he was having a second though about the trip, but she was having none of it since he was taking some dry fish to her parents. She admonished him to say his prayers, do some exercises. After all, he has taken some karate lessons and would be going with a battalion of soldiers and 600 Boy Scouts, what exactly would Wike be doing? So my brother, feeling bolstered, jumped into the shower and headed for the airport.
The plane taxied to a stop and His Excellency was immediately ushered into his waiting armoured vehicle for the journey into town. Not quite 20 minutes into the journey, it happened. Wike appeared from nowhere. His people jumping up and down and singing some war songs, brandishing all sorts of weapons and threatening to humiliate our hero. What they did not know was Amaechi’s preparedness. He sat still in his car, breathing steadily and took out his phone. He called his mentor and coach in China. That one told him quietly what and how to go about this so that there would be minimal damage to not only his enemies but also the innocent bystanders. He wanted Wike people to live to tell this story. What you really do not want to do is annoy Amaechi because he can be deadly when that is done. This Wike person has really crossed the line this time, blocking his motorcade at a place near where he used to have a girlfriend when he was an undergraduate and to make matters worse, the girl’s people were still there and as such, this would not just pass. By this time, his aides already knowing what was about to happen, had started begging Amaechi, pleading with him not to lose it. But Wike people were still singing and jumping around with Wike leading the chorus line. By this time, Wike had come out from his own SUV and was leading the dance. He had painted his face with white chalk like Amalinze in Chinua Achebe’s Things Fall Apart just before he was messed up by stammering Okonkwo. Amaechi could not hold it again, he had to end this once and for all. His eyes bulging in righteous anger, breathing becoming laboured and chest heaving and swelling.
He slowly began pulling his buttons one after the other until the last one came off. He steadily tore the shirt.This was the one Fubara had given him last Christmas. Funbara would understand. This was a national assignment. He tore the shirt to make a band like his friend, Rambo, had taught him and with a loud scream he jumped out of the car and somersaulted on the roof of his car with arms spread like Bruce Lee. Amaechi was ready. Immediately Wike saw this, he jumped into his car and brought out a horn, shouting some incantations; all aimed at paralysing Amaechi’s right hand. For those of you that do not know, Amaechi’s right hand is the deadliest in Africa, once you can hold it, Amaechi is done with. As Wike shouted into the horn, he asked his people to attack. By this time Amaechi was jumping up and down on the roof, running towards Choba and coming back, rolling on the ground and screaming that they should come. Amaechi’s guards ran away knowing that this was Armageddon because they had seen it before. Wike’s people started coming one after the other and Amaechi was just wounding them with slaps, kicks, headbutts and choke holds just like the way they used to do it in those Chinese films we used to watch. As Amaechi was fighting, he was using one eye to look to see if his former girlfriend’s people were watching and even had the presence of mind to ask someone to take a selfie of him as he strung the neck of Wike’s last man standing. By this time everybody had been vanquished and it was just Wike and Amaechi left on the street. They looked into each other’s eyes while keeping a safe distance from each other. They stalked each other like lions fighting for their territory.
This was it; this was the fight to end all fights and they both had waited for this moment. By this time, Wike had dropped his gourd and was prancing like Mohammed Ali, shuffling his short legs on the dirty road and heaving and bobbing his bald head up and down ready to kill. As he pranced, he was singing his war song and getting ready to attack. Amaechi by this time was down to his shorts and was crouching like a snake in the monkey shadow. As he moved, he kept seeing the beautiful eyes of his wife still in Abuja. And she was saying, ‘Rotimi do not come back if you don’t win this fight.’ He had to finish this once and for all. The crowd had gathered on either side of the road. This was epic. The whole of Port Harcourt had assembled, watching with bated breath.
Who will finally win. Who will emerge as the emperor of Rivers State? Tension was high, atmosphere was electric, expectation was high and everything stood still. All of a sudden, they started running towards each other with utter hatred and screaming different war cries. As they sped towards each other, Wike’s potbelly, jiggling from the strain and Ameachi’s bald head glistening in the hot Port Harcourt skies; the nation was waiting and watching. The Federal Executive Council stopped the meeting to tune in live. Ambode was watching from the Lekki bridge. Tinubu was in his dining room watching. The Duke of Shomolu came out of the other room to watch Donald trump was watching and Saraki still smarting from his daughter’s wedding was watching. NTA’s fabled 30 million viewers were watching and just as they were about to slam into each other, Wike’s phone rang. It was his wife calling him for lunch. Kai, Wike begged for a postponement because he could not afford to miss his madam’s call otherwise, this wahala with Amaechi would be a child’s play if he ever tried to annoy his madam. As he turned to walk away, Amaechi knelt down to thank his God, he was not sure he would have come out of that fight victorious but wetin man go do na? All na packaging. What else can we do as Nigerians than to laugh at this parody that is unfolding in our very eyes? I am still laughing one week after this incident. I no fit cry. But if one must be honest wetin Amaechi dey find sef for Rivers? He should let Wike be. His refusal to let Wike govern in peace is the source of the tension in that state.