Loud Whisper
As I watched the Governor of Ekiti State the other day playing a game of table tennis on the streets of Ado Ekiti, I smiled with pride. This is my president. I tell you, this is the leader we have been crying for. You know Nigerians, we do not see value except it comes in white agbada and a heavy Hausa/Fulani accent. Fayose has a right to dream and aspire like the rest of us. The dream being a highfalutin fart notwithstanding, he still reserves the right to gun for the presidency. Look, he has over the years shown a very powerful resolve to lead us, from the jeans-wearing episode at his State House of Assembly, to the rescuing of Fani Kayode’s wife from the EFCC who had frozen their account, thereby denying them transport fare back to Lagos. Fayose like a true leader jumped in and gave them the required T-fare and ensured the safe return of the beautiful lady and child back to Lagos.
Look, I am taking this attempt at the presidency seriously and ignoring the PDP official position that they have zoned the position to the North. Let them be sleeping with their zoning when you have a credible candidate who has shown eternal resolve and readiness to lead. So my brother Fayose, whatever it is that you are drinking or worshipping, keep at it for the presidency is ours. Fayose has my support and vote come 2019 and I will avail him the dukedom of Shomolu as a base for his campaign on the ground that he would give me a cabinet position handling the women’s Ministry i.e. I will take over from that Atiku’s goddaughter, that he will make OBJ Minister of Sports and that he will probe the military government that prosecuted the civil war. I suspect that there was serious corruption during the war. We need to bring the perpetrators to book. So my brother, let us do this, Nigerians await your presidency. Laugh is doing me o.
Akinwunmi Ambode : Let Me Buy You a Drink
Looking like this egbon wants to turn me into a praise-singer o. In my entire writing career, I try my best not to be seen as a sycophant. I usually comport myself without unnecessarily going overboard in dishing out platitudes about public office-holders no matter what they have achieved. But this time, I will shout this oga’s praises from the rooftops. Mr. Ambode has performed excellently well and we in Shomolu remain so excited at his strides ever since he assumed power. Come and see what he has transformed Jibowu into. The place used to be a jungle but today it is so well constructed that you cannot help but marvel. As you drive around Lagos, you see action and energy that belies a civilian administration. Ambode don try, I swear. I am now truly a praise-singer and will continue to sing his praises until I collapse of exhaustion. Although there are still areas of improvement like in the chaos that is traffic in Lagos and the continuous dirts that litter our roads; on the whole Lagos is far better off under Ambode. I was having drinks the other night with Wale Oluwo. Wale is the commissioner for something in Lagos and the clarity with which he talked about the administration’s policies and plans left me in awe. Although he failed to pay for my drink, leaving me with a bill in excess of N5,000 for two bottles of Coca cola and a piece of cake – the cake no even sweet o.
The gratitude I feel for these people will not let me yab Wale. Although I have kept the receipt in case either he or the administration would like to send a refund, the truth of the matter is that they have worked and are still working. Wale said something that struck me that day after I had asked if there were any fears for re-election come 2019, he said, ‘’Lagosians have not seen anything yet that we have reserved the most exciting programmes for the last two years.’’ I believe him o. Well your Excellency, the other day I offered to buy you a drink in Shomolu to show my appreciation for the job you are doing – have you guys been to Iyana Oworo recently – and you called to take me up on my request? I quickly went to Blue Spot on Morocco road near the Shomolu Local Government where you used to be a treasurer to make mouth. We have been waiting since o. If it is the money that you will spend that is worrying you, do not worry, it is on us as long as you do not come with more than five people. Shomolu people will pay for your drinks. So here goes another invite: kindly please come and have a drink on us. We need to say thank you. But sir, no come drink pass one bottle o. I get school fees to pay. Well done sir.
Professor Itsay Sagay : Please Do Not “Vexâ€
This baba has been on fire, shooting from the hip and not sparing the National Assembly and calling them all sorts of names to the point of even telling us that we have been clothing the distinguished senators and their colleagues in the lower chamber. But wait sef, before I even yab the baba, let me ask: why are we paying them clothing allowance? This is really annoying o. So every time I see one of the assembly members on TV, I will just be vexing so I am paying for the clothes they are wearing and some of them do not even wear better clothes outside the heavily starched guinea brocade they wear. No wonder baba is really vexing. Nobody is paying for his suits and he has been wearing the same ones since 1959. Why won’t he vex? He has contributed more to the country than all these senators put together and yet nobody is buying suits for him. Abi is it easy to be in every constitutional conference since the Richards conference in 1946 to date? Shey we can now see where the annoyance is coming from? You know Nigerians do not always want to look beneath to see the reasons behind people’s actions. This is the bone of contention: clothing allowance, simple! Once we stop paying the people the clothing allowance, baba will go and rest and we will have peace once again. This baba no easy o. The way he dey fire ehn, I really pity these senators. If this continues, we will soon be told that our senators were the ones who conspired to kill John F. Kennedy na wa.
Senator Abaribe : Better Run Away o!!!!!!!!!!!
Only God knows who advised you to go stand surety for Nnamdi Kanu. Standing surety for anybody outside your mama is one of the riskiest things to do. Once my blood brother was arrested for wandering at the Shomolu police station. You know the one near Shomolu market, not the Pedro own o. The Shomolu one is the most dreaded because all sorts of criminal elements are domiciled there. So my poor brother was picked up by the patrol team and instead of him to speak the language of the police, he was speaking English. The arresting officer told me much later that his annoyance was the fact that my brother kept reminding them that he was a graduate of University of Ibadan, and that he too was a graduate, i.e. na graduate he never see before! Well, my brother carry him degree enter cell. So when I came, I conveniently told them that me I was a primary six graduate so they gave me access and we spoke the language they understood. At the point of release, they asked me to sign bail. At that point, I look my brother, look the cell and with a slight frown, I declined. Na my mama come fight commot am. Only your birth mother will give her life to save you. So, this senator who took his bath that morning, ate breakfast and kissed his wife goodbye and drove himself in good health and sound mind to go stand surety for, of all people, Nnamdi Kanu, na great man. Today, as I have heard he stands the chance of being exchanged if he cannot produce Kanu and if you were Kanu, will you appear even if your mother, wife and 12 of your children were arrested? My kind advice to the dear senator is to run into the British Embassy there in Abuja and seek asylum, at least he will still be watching premiership there or just use style and stroll to the Cameroon border like he wants to buy palm oil and unripe plantain and just disappear o. Because if na the Kanu that I know, the guy is in French Guyana, dancing with the virgins; those that sent him. Stand surety? Me, God forbid. Senator better run o, I really pity you.
Lanre Olusola @ 50
This handsome dude clocked 50 during the week and Thisday style did a profile piece on him dressed like a desert nomad. By the way, Aunty Ruth, I would be 50 next year, I hope you will give me the same attention o? Me I dey envy the guy because he is fine and women like am. He is my close friend o, when we sat together to discuss, you will just be seeing the babes trembling and trying to gain his attention, and he will just be sitting down there feeling like Michael Jackson and ignoring them. The thing will be paining me. Me that I know one or two things to do with the babes, they will not follow me. It is the man that does not have their time that they will be pursuing. My people that is the simple reason I do not like Lanre. He is just too complete. A fine boy, sharp intellect, rich and very charismatic. Everything I am not. But anyway, he has clocked 50 and he was really looking very dashing in that photo shoot. A great guy with a strong sense of self and clarity as to his purpose in life. Well sha, happy birthday, let me just throw that out there. Let it not be said that I have not wished you a happy birthday my dear coach. God will give you long life and the strong presence of mind to refer some of these babes who like you and in which you have no interest to me. I swear, I will love you forever. Viva life coach. You are God’s chosen one. I love you, don’t mind me jare.
Command Secondary School @40: Gala Night To Remember
My alma mater, the one that gave Nigerians the Duke of Shomolu is 40 and to celebrate, we are organising, a one-in-town gala night. Unlike the Kings College boys who recently did theirs marking the school’s 108 years and promptly forgot to invite me, we too are doing our own and I also will not invite my mentor, Albert Okumagba, who I heard hosted his friends that night without calling me. Well, me I will not invite him for my own this Sunday. Do me, I do you. Well for me, Command Secondary School was more than a school, it was a rite of passage for those of us who attended the school. Today, we have alumni in all facets of the economy contributing significantly to the continuous development of the country. I particularly have been looking forward to this gala night for one reason: my school crush. Fatima Anderson was the school belle. Beautiful, tall and essentially a goddess. I fell in love with her in form two when I used to help her cut her portion of the grass and do all sorts of menial tasks to gain her attention. Fatima no gree o. Na letter I write, quoting Shakespeare, I told her of my undying love and how I was going to conquer the world and beat up Mohammed Ali if only she would just say “yes†in her reply. The woman had other plans o. She went ahead to clear her subjects in flying colours while I failed and repeated form four; making her my senior and effectively out of my reach. Forty years later, the feeling is still very strong as I stare at her pictures. The beauty is still there, the charisma and strong-willed disposition, making her more alluring in our middle age. So, to fight this last battle, the preparation no easy. I have been jogging every morning and trying to keep fit to impress this Shuwa Arab goddess and make her the most recent duchess of Shomolu. I have even contracted my versatile designer, Mudi, to come up with something show-stopping for the day. But as I appeared for the fitting, na knickers Mudi sew for me o………………..
