Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

Anthony Joshua: Homeboy with a Sweet Heart 

This has been a contrasting relief. One person is out there screaming about just how unsafe and useless we are and another — even better accomplished — is here bathing in public, riding Okada and generally just enjoying his ‘Nigerianness.’

Super good-looking Heavyweight Champion has won the hearts of Nigerians with his uncanny love for his people. He has, maybe unknowingly, carried on a massive counter PR offensive that has seen him project the very positives of not only being a Nigerian but Nigeria as a country.

We have seen him almost everywhere in shorts and tees, simply just strolling around and doing the mundane things that have made Nigeria the envy of the world.

Well, me I have seen him prostrating for his governor, seen him visiting my brother Sujimoto, seen him in his family home in Ijebu just relaxing and rollicking, and very famously seen him riding on a rickety bike, the one we call Okada with a full smile and joy, and all I can say is bless him for this.

The bitterness that comes with a challenged youth and a misguided upbringing by a father who never believed in his ‘Nigerianness’ is now being projected as a firm weapon by a daughter who seeks acceptance.

This has now been punctured by a true Nigerian superhero who has done nothing but just be himself amongst his people.

Well done Champ, we owe you. Well done bro.   

General Musa: Well Done My General

I recently watched clips from the recent interview this ebullient General granted the international news channel, Al Jazeera. His comportment, confidence and courage really showed his thoroughness as a well grilled and highly engaged Nigerian Army General.

He spoke very confidently as someone who had a full grasp of the issues. His query that the international community should look at the “international flows” that has sustained the 15-year insurgency was up to the mark.

The cheeky presenter’s attempt to put hot coals in his mouth by asking him who he thought the backers were was met with a sly and highly intelligent pushback by this graceful General.

The presenter should go and ask his cousins in the Middle East and Asia that stupid question. It is very clear that this Boko Haram thing is not locally instigated. With the sophisticated weaponry, the funding which seems to be endless and the concentration of the strife in strategic areas, especially areas rich with solid minerals leaves no one in doubt as to the main reasons behind this seemingly unending wickedness.

Our own as a nation is to continue to fight it very relentlessly, knowing fully well that we really have no choice but to defend our people and our territorial integrity and with what I saw of the few minutes of that interview, I was left with the firm belief that the Nigerian Army is up to the task.

Should you need volunteers, please do not hesitate to inform me and I would be very happy to contribute my own quota to the war efforts – make I come sing for the troops to boost morale. Yes, I can do that. Thanks so much General and may God bless the men and officers of our Armed Forces for their sacrifice. Thank you.

Nasir El-Rufai in My Dreams

Yes, I was named Joseph and we all know that biblically, Joseph was a dreamer. Me too, I can dream dreams. I dream daily so I am not fazed by its occurrences no matter how zany they may be.

But two nights ago, I saw this person in my dream and I woke up in a sweat. My mates are having sweet wet dreams with Tiwa Savage or any of those Nollywood actresses, me na El-Rufai come meet me for dream, ewwwww. What an unfortunate way to start the new year.

It was like we were invited to a wedding and the Governor of Abia was the special guest of honour. As he delivered his speech, I sha noticed that I could not see him o. I didn’t bother because I saw my friends -Dapo Adelegan, Chidi Ajaere of GIG fame and Ken Etete of Century Group.

Then out of nowhere, Mallam appeared- I shouted, which one is this one again o. He said he wanted to have a discussion with me. I said, me? He said yes. I said “but we no relate na,” and he begged me, that he wanted to explain his own side of the wahala he was having with the Kaduna State Government.

I begged him in the dream that I was not interested and that I felt he should be speaking to Afe Babalola if he was not too busy with the Farotimi matter, or better still he should approach VDM who will take his case to the court of public opinion.

He said, please, that it was Buhari that sent him. Immediately I heard that one’s name, I knew it was time to escape. Buhari? Duke of Shomolu? Wetin bring that kind love. I said, ok, bro just give me a second let me go and piss and come back, he said ok and I promptly ran away.

Woke up in a sweat and called my sister to please pray for me that I just had a nightmare, Nasir El-Rufai in my dream? I need to cast and bind if not, na Wike I go see next oo. Kai!.

Detty December: Lagos the New Sodom and Gomorrah

Mbok, the level of debauchery that happened last December can bring the angel that destroyed the biblical Sodom and Gomorrah out of retirement. The parties, the orgies, the alcohol, the drugs all combined made Sodom look like child’s play The world converged in Lagos, I swear to the point that the people who have “japa” and could not afford ticket money sat glued stupidly to their tiny cubicles in the diaspora to follow up the goings on via the internet.

The unverified figures have come out and let me share some – 550,000 people passed through the Murtala Muhammed International Airport and spread towards Lagos, Benin and the Eastern states. 1.2 million tourists converged in Lagos, Hotels made about N54 billion in room rentals, F&B revenues was N15 billion, Short let apartments took in N21 billion, lounges took in N4 billion, strip clubs took N2.5billion, event centers took N1.2 billion, car rentals took in N1.5 billion and other recreational activities took in an estimated N20 billion including artists fees etc.

Now these figures have been circulating on the internet and are not from a credible source, not verified and are very far from official.

But independent investigations show that the real figures are not too far from these and may even exceed the same. This shows you the remarkable revenues that we generated in the period.

Remember, we have not added revenues from religious tourism which I must say would dwarf all these ones considering the pull of the top three – Redeemed, MFM and that one in Otta.

Whether we like it or not Nigeria is a superstar country and those who hate us are doing so at their own peril. The problem we have is the government and as these figures have shown, we have left the government dawdling in their own urine. We have taken leadership and will continue to impact the economy generating jobs, developing infrastructure amongst others.

My people sin pays, Lagos is now the new Sodom and Gomorrah and I am the chief priest, let’s do this. Kai.

Emmanuel Armah-Koffi Buah: An Abduction is Inevitable

My brother Dele Farotimi did not speak to this extent when he found himself on the road to Ekiti. This brother took aim at his outgoing president and fired him missiles that made that one cringe and laugh like a circus clown. Kai, the words were punchy and hardball. He did not mince words as he called his regime the worst ever, reminding us that his tenure will provide us with a timely reminder of how not to govern a country. He ended it by quoting the Bible: “the Egyptians’ you are seeing today, you will not see again… bye bye Mr President, it is finished.”

I swear President Akufo-Addo would be wishing he knew someone in Ekiti because this was a classic case that needed their attention. He sat down there smiling but you can see that the smile was not heartfelt, if only it was not in parliament and in front of global media, he would have rushed this “mumu” and given him a belly flop like the American wrestlers do.

The cowardice of a one-man fight. The speaker, knowing fully well that his target cannot respond, is leaving office and is hobbled, went to town on him and if you look well, there would be a failed contract, an appointment refused or something deeply personal for him to go at this man just like that.

I have googled the speaker extensively and have not seen anything in his records that shows he was an ardent opponent of the outgoing president but now chooses this valedictory session to spew bile. Na wa, Africans, we are all the same, I tell you.

A coward if you ask me, a very big one, I tell you. Carnage.

Captain Ibrahim Traore: A Hero’s Welcome

I was not privileged to be invited to the Ghanaian inauguration as I was busy in Arochukwu. But my egbon Segun Adeniyi was there live and has in his usual way written a beautiful prose on the happenings.

In his report, he witnessed the heroic welcome of the Burkinabe strong man and wondered if this did not smear democracy that was being celebrated.

Let me ask my egbon with all due respect, which “yama yama” democracy? A democracy of pilfering, of state capture, of muscling of the people? The only democracy we are seeing all over the region including this our giant one is the democratisation of poverty, so why would the youths of Ghana not hail a true African hero.

Me, I want to even visit this Burkina Faso. So mbok, if you have links, help me, let me go and see a true African renaissance under a leadership that is in tune with the people.

Have you seen our motorcades? Motorcades that shut down the 5th largest economy in Africa and cause traffic gridlock that stretches miles and makes us lose productive man-hours, and you say people should not hail a man who drives in a Land Rover and dresses like “Mopo” but is doing things for his people.

The youths of Ghana stood up for passionate leadership, showing that they do not care about labelling but about the intrinsic value true leadership throws at them.

They, like us, envy the people of Burkina Faso because of the dividends of leadership they are receiving and won’t really care in what form the dividends are coming.

That is why the man was hailed and that is why he was followed by the throngs of people. This should be a lesson to every leader on the continent to learn because the people are really suffering under the yoke of vacuous, kilometre-long motorcades that do nothing but pollute the climate with fumes.

Mbok, the only thing I have not seen yet in those motorcades na Fire Brigade truck, I have seen everything including ambulance and a mobile restaurant and toilet. Na wa for this democracy o.

Burna Boy, Cubana’s Meaningless Scuffle

These two illiterates have been going at each other on social media in a no-holds barred fight that nobody knows what instigated it or how it will end.

Nothing is sacred in the fight- parents, illegitimate children, family members, careers, spouses, the villages have all been thrown into the squabble.Even an illegitimate child in far away Kenya has been brought into the mix and this is getting so messy that the elders on both sides should move in now before the stench gets any worse.

For me, Burna Boy is the bigger “fool” with a lot more to lose in this fight. A Grammy winning artist with another Grammy nomination in the bag. An artist that fills up giant arenas globally, an artist who has won international respect and has been accepted into the gilded corridors of aristocracy globally will now find time to be squabbling with a local bartender whose source of income is shrouded in mystery.

Why he even brings himself down to these levels beats me. He does not allow any squabble pass him. Today he is fighting a bartender, tomorrow he is fighting his colleagues, next day he is kicking someone on stage and another he is using the police to chase a nonentity who is not even a speck in the entertainment world where he is a giant.

Burna really has a problem, he really needs serious people around him because he doesn’t really need some of these issues. They are distracting and annoying.

Someone should talk to this boy, NOW.