SANYADE OKOLI 
 

The CEO of Alpha African Advisory, Mrs Sanyade Okoli has over 27 years of financial advisory; private equity; corporate, commercial and management finance; and auditing experience. She holds an MA in Mechanical Engineering from Cambridge University, UK and trained as a Chartered Accountant with Arthur Andersen (UK). Sanyade is also a trained inner healing minister and life coach. She is the founder of inspirational blog, www.justasiam.ng and creator of life-transforming e-course, Pursuing Wholeness.

When assessing a nation, it is easy to focus on the failings of its leaders. However, to loosely quote the words of a current presidential aspirant from a previous WIMBIZ lecture, “Political leaders do not just fall from the sky. They are of us; raised in our families, in our society.” In short, society creates its leaders.

The question, therefore, is how is our society shaping its people and to what extent does it prepare them to be productive and effective citizens? Put differently, what adults are formed by our cultural parenting practices? What kinds of leaders and followers do our traditions and culture develop and sustain?

For a long time, I wondered how it was that societies such as ours that stress the importance of discipline in raising our children could end up being so ill-disciplined. Over the years I have come to have a better understanding of the underlying causes. You see, a person lives from the place of his heart – his thoughts, emotions and will. What shapes these thoughts and emotions are their life experiences, especially those from their early years.

Each person is born with certain God-given desires. For example, the desire to be loved, to feel secure, accepted, and of value, to name a few. Based on the extent to which these desires are met (or not) in our early years, we form beliefs about ourselves, others, our country, life, etc. These beliefs in turn shape our values, sense of identity, and general mindset which form the framework upon which our thoughts, feelings, decisions, actions – essentially, our whole lives – are based.

When these natural desires are not met, or worse still, violated, people’s soul’s get wounded. Whether we believe it or not, these soul wounds can and will negatively affect our lives either until we address them or we go on to meet our Maker. If we were to be truly courageous, we would be willing to ask ourselves what soul wounds have been formed in our individual and collective psyches and how they negatively affect us today. I deliberately used the word “courageous” because it would mean objectively questioning many long and closely held societal norms. It would require us to challenge the status quo; to step back and seek to connect the dot between words and actions, and eventual outcomes.

To start with, we would be forced to ask ourselves questions regarding the impact some of our own early life experiences may be having on our lives today. For example, in the name of “discipline”, more people than would care to admit were battered and bruised as children (be it physically or verbally), leaving them feeling wounded and insecure. The adults in our lives (parents, grandparents, teachers, etc.) were so focused on eliciting the “right behaviour” from us that they never stopped to fully consider the impact their brand of discipline could have on our hearts.

Also, in the name of “respect” many were raised to feel like they didn’t matter; their voices didn’t count. Made to feel like until they were “somebody” they were nobody. This is one big driving force behind so many seeking to be “somebodies” by any means necessary. They are searching for validation here, there, and everywhere instead of looking within. In reality, we usually see the manifestations of soul wounds, both in ourselves and in others, but we often do not connect the dots in our minds in order to identify cause and effect.

It’s not just our parents and their parents’ generations. Even today, in the name of “providing”, many parents are absent physically. With all the other modern-day distractions, a lot of us even when physically present are mentally and/or emotionally absent. The same way we needed the active and affirming love and support of our parents, our children desperately need us. For example, psychologists have determined that children get their sense of identity, self-worth, security, and provision from their fathers. Therefore, without a strong father-figure in the life of a child, he or she is likely to grow into an adult with a weak sense of self. This is made worse in a digital (and often superficial) age where it is easier to have devices babysit our children whilst we busy ourselves with more “pressing matters” such as keeping up social media appearances. Is this too a manifestation of our own inner woundedness? Probably.

Then we come to our collective woundedness. Over decades, Nigerians have experienced many traumas. To name a few over the last fifty or so years, we have undergone a vicious civil war, bloody coups, small- and large-scale kidnappings, terrorism, and, more recently, the bloodletting at the End SARS protest. Our hearts have been trampled upon over and over again and we are numb with unresolved pain.

What is worse is that we do not talk about it. Until fairly recently, emotional pain and mental health issues were not even acknowledged, much less discussed. The challenge with inner pain is that until it is addressed, it remains present, festering away; negatively impacting the lives of individuals, families, institutions and, ultimately, the nation. The key therefore is to recognise its manifestation, identify its roots, and tackle them accordingly. To do so, we must individually and collectively ask ourselves tough questions, even when we fear having to face the answers.

Let’s take the topic of the day, for example. Politics! If we took a much closer look at the political arena, I suspect that what we would see many wounded souls, each seeking to minimise their pain the best way they know how. Let’s examine some of the key players. There hasn’t been a dull moment in the political space over the last few weeks with events ranging from surprising expressions of interests to high stakes deception and betrayals.

What is even more troubling to many onlookers is that there appears to be very few aspirants who are pursuing political positions for love of state or country. So why then do most of our politicians go for political power? What underpins the “do or die” approach we see every four years? What inner desires are they seeking to fill with money, status and power? How are their inner wounds affecting you and I today?

Equally, for many party members, especially the delegates, the election cycle is a quadrennial opportunity for money and relevance. Having said that, with so little said by the politicians about their leadership plans, upon what objective basis do the delegates make their decisions? Do they realise that the poor selection of party candidates will most likely cost them, and their descendants, far more than they could ever gain today? Where does such short-sightedness come from? But then again, in their shoes, would we act differently?

Additionally, it has become apparent to many that some of our political aspirants do not have enough people around them who tell them the truth. What is not always clear is whether it is a case of their nearest and dearest not telling them as it is because they are unable to (out of ignorance or fear) or unwilling to (due to their own duplicity). Either way, it is essential to uncover the underlying forces which fuel the behaviour of each party. To what extent do those in positions of power and influence recognise the pockets of insincerity in their midst and how does it make them feel? Over and above money, status and power, we all need healthy relationships to truly thrive.

After years of stolen votes, violent ballots, and disappointing leaders, we also have a tired and disheartened voting population. There is a hopelessness that pervades conversations about Nigeria with many feeling powerless to affect the course of their country. Consequently, many respond in one of two ways. Some, like the “stomach-infrastructure” party members, short-sightedly sell their vote for a pittance. Others conclude that their votes will not count and therefore see no need to try. No attempt is made to secure their voters’ card, much less go out on the day to vote. Therefore, in a bid for self-preservation, many voters actively or passively create the perfect enabling environment for the vicious cycle to continue.

Many people ask, “What role should the media be playing at this time?” There are feelings in some quarters that in the midst of all that is going on, by not taking stronger stances, many media players are doing the nation a disservice. The first question to ask however is, “What media?” Traditional media? Social media? What are their respective responsibilities and what are our expectations of them? We must also consider what personal filters have been applied to the information we consume and to what extent they are accurate.

Collectively, we all play a role in shaping the Nigeria we see and experience today. We are society. We are Nigeria. What we see playing out in our politics is a fight for the body of Nigeria. However, to have a Nigeria that is truly worth fighting for, we must fight for the soul of the nation by first fighting for the inner wellbeing of its people.

For Nigeria to enjoy positive outcomes, its people must first act differently. To do so, we must individually and collectively think differently – about ourselves, about each other, and about our country.