Major Mustapha – My Sincere Apologies

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Akwa Ibom Isongo! Ibibio Isongo! This is the chant we used to chant during our village meeting in Surulere. I have not been there since my papa died almost five years ago.

But I will go today. Because the kind of wahala I think I have entered na to go meet my people to come out come help me beg o. Last Sunday, devil push me go yab oga and I hear that oga did not like it. Last Monday, I got a call in the midnight from one man wey call himself Shola and he say he come with peace. Who come in peace for midnight? He say him understand sarcasm but that my write-up was not well-received.

I say sorry, please don’t vex. Me, I don’t have power for fight o. I say since you say you come in peace, please help me tell oga not to vex. He say Ok. So in continuation of my begging, I am going to village meeting to seek support in joining me on this my begging and apologising mission.

You know we in Akwa Ibom do not have Amotekun or IPOB, na afang we get. So my brother, please do not vex, the write-up was tongue-in-cheek look at the role of your former oga in the country especially as it concerns the ‘alerts’ we keep getting and your usual response each time that happens. Wasn’t meant to disparage or offend you in any way. In fact, na my friend Chief Opara your former running mate I really yab and he no call me for midnight.

So if you feel in any way offended, I stand stark naked in my bedroom with my hands in the sky to say a big sorry. Please quickly agree before my housemaid enter now come think say I want to do sacrifice. Anyways, please next time you feel offended about anything my enemy write about you, kindly help me tell Shola not to dey call in the midnight again, he should be calling during the day because that night call, come and see the kinds of things I see for dream.

The call even scatter my activities for the other room as I lost my libido and remember this was just days after Valentine’s Day. Please send address or something make I send you afang and ekpan nkukwo as further peace offering so you can calm down abeg. Life is not that serious. Calm down sir.