M.K.O. is Our Man ooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

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Loud Whispers

That was the radio jingle that assailed our consciousness in those heady days leading up to the historic June 12 elections. Whenever it came up on the Radio, all the children in Shomolu those days would jump out of the dirty gutters where we had gone swimming to catch tadpoles and scream ‘MKO is our man ooooo’.

He was truly our man, powerfully generous, bold and populist. He captured the imagination of Nigerians and in his stammer and a clear love for witty local sayings like the classic, when some Airforce personnel assaulted his children and they went to explain to him and said that the men were mad dogs, he replied them saying ‘even mad dogs know their master’.

Unfortunately the junta led by his personal friend and later day democrat the gap tooth legend annulled the election and threw the country into unprecedented crises. Well, MKO and his beautiful wife lost their lives in the struggle and Nigerians as usual seemed to move on even though the spirit of that movement refused to leave us. I have always loved the man not only for his politics and wealth but for his penchant of marrying many women, for some of us he remains a legend and mentor. So in my haze I once visited his Ikeja home. Walked into his expansive bedroom and began to imagine the plotting and meetings that held in that room in his bid to first win the election and later regain his mandate. I was awed by the power of his presence that warm afternoon although that could be because I was hungry which could be the cause of the hallucination. Well today, those who scuttled the mandate and support its continued suppression have in their good minds given us the mandate back. They have declared a democracy day on that day; they have conferred on him the highest honour in the land all in a bid to shore up a flagging support base especially in the south west. Well what can we do, we will still collect the honour because MKO was our man and come 2019, we will still stand by our conscience, MKO would have wanted no less. Was I too serious in this piece, even me come dey fear o. maybe I get malaria.

Now That We Are Morons
What else will they not call us? We have been called all sort of names but this one seem to have hit us really below the belt and as expected, the outcry has reached the rooftop. So I have quickly summoned the chief in council here in Shomolu to discuss this matter. In the notice sent out to our chiefs, I mentioned specifically that the questions to be deliberated upon will be three pronged. Are we morons and if so, at what point did we turn to morons and how can we get ourselves out of this state if truly we are now morons. You see, for me as the Duke of Somolu, I have unilaterally expanded the scope of the insult from the narrow boundaries of the great Yoruba nation to cover all the tribes that make up this our country including our kith and kin in the diaspora and our wonderful ladies doing us proud in Italy with the drug lords in south Africa.

So the meeting was expectedly raucous. Tempers rose and fell and the Afang soup was heavily consumed and watered down with Yemi Shodimu’s palm wine. Finally, a communique had to be issued after coming to a convergence. I had to suspend some people and at some point, seize the mace before we came to our senses. Well, our resolution is very simple. The Yoruba nation as a tribe are not made up of morons, although some members of this great tribe have shown these tendency but the fact that every tribe that make up this great nation have shown tremendous potentials in earning this moniker. We remain a nation of great and hardworking people, confused but very intelligent and deserving so that insult was quite mischievous especially in limiting it to the Yoruba people who have been nothing but very committed partners in our national project. It was also agreed that the offender should be made to carry EBO with palm oil draped all over his naked body from his big bald head down to his feet to Igbogunnu and stand on an anthill so that soldier ants can feast on his scrotums. This we believe would serve as a befitting punishment and a deterrent to others who will think twice before insulting the wonderful Yoruba nation. A nation that has given us Shina Peters, Owambe, Ayo Fayose, Fela, King Sunny Ade and the Duchess of shomolu amongst others cannot be a nation of Morons. I hear he has apologised though.

So, Muric Can Fear?
I fell down from my bed as I listened to the statement allegedly issued by the MURIC repositioning themselves and moving away from their hitherto reported decision to sue the wonderfully talented FALZ the bahd guy for his depiction of Islam or something like that in his very popular and instructive Musical Video aptly tilled ‘this is Nigeriá’. As the radio presenter was reading out the statement, she too was laughing and could not believe what she was reading. The one that got to me the most was the point in the statement where they were claimed to have said that this was not a turnaround but a change in strategy or something like that. I almost fell from my bed from heady laughter. You see, this is what you get when you play to gallery and quickly jump to assert relevance without a well thought out objective or even justification. So, Falz in his epic video showed some models clad in Muslim garbs and dancing and that was enough to attract a law suit from MURIC? Pleassseeeeee if at all, the man was even helping their case, keeping the plight of the Chibok girls and the last one that has not been released in the front burner. So what would you want the Christians to say or the police where he claimed close their station at six pm for security reasons.  Please people should stop distracting us with this kind of frivolity because what we face in this country are real and challenging issues of mis-governance amongst others. No time for comedy abeg. Falz well done millions of youths are behind you on this matter. Me, I no get papa wey be SAN, na JUJU I rely on. Bring it on. Please have they released the last girl cos I want release my own video. What is it? Shouldn’t MURIC take their law suit and face the abductors? Please don’t let me cry from irritation.

OBJ: No Weapon Fashioned By…
As we speak, I am headed to Abeokuta. I have been summoned to lead a team of non-denominational prayer warriors to immediately embark on a major prayer crusade to head off this expected framing. You see, we are not taking these information lightly, you know Baba is not as young as he used to be and any attempt at incarceration will not really augur well. You see the Abacha sojourn in Jail was kind of ok since we had small age on our side, but now at over 80 or is it 100? We cannot afford any small detention talk less of full blown jail. So, today, I have 600 prayer warriors, all religion and congregation represented. Guru Marahaji has just announced their representatives to the crusade. We have all been instructed to come with Buhari, Lai Muhammed, Magu, IGP Idris and Osinbajo’s full size pictures as a point of contact. We are also bringing bags of salt, sugar and alligator pepper – items needed in the various sacrifices that would be made. The President’s wife and his village head would also be a reference point in these prayers. Aghhhhhhh, Baba to be framed again? This cannot happen two times. We will do all that is possible to avert this calamity and where all fail, we will advise a hasty retreat to Zimbabwe or Gambia in exile o. please government, let me beg on baba behalf, you know he can be a little bit stubborn and proud, don’t vex, don’t frame us o. we will face international issues and leave this 2019 alone. It is ok. Thank you.

Loudwhispers The Book
Loudwhispers the book which is a compelling and biting political satire capturing events that have happened in our political space in the last one year is out o. nothing and nobody is spared. It is a book that would have put me in serious trouble if we still had decree 4. Kai, however in the spirit of rapprochement with this GCFR thing we are giving out, I have decided to release the book. It is a 250 page work that has entered Tinubu’s bedroom and Buhari’s toilet, to sarcastically poke a finger at the underbelly of society, while sending out stringent but very strong message of hope to our people. Kai, when my mother read the book, she knelt down and begged me. She reminded me that she was a widow and that I was born pre-mature that how can I yab IBB like that. That these people don’t forget or forgive o.

I looked into her eyes and with chest out, told her clearly that my life is for the struggle and that she should forget that she has a son formerly known as Joseph Edgar. That my title of the Duke of Somolu conferred on me the responsibility to be society’s conscience and that since Gani Fawehnim passed on and Keyamo has emerged Buhari’s spokesman, the spirit of my fore fathers who saved in the sugar plantations of Brazil behove on me to stand up and fight. I have written the book, mbok people, buy before the attack comes so that I will have enough money to run away o. thank you