SATURDAY THE ALTERNATIVE STORY
By Reno Omokri
By now you must have heard that 17 groups from Northern Nigeria, including the Arewa Consultative Forum have told President Buhari point blank that he has failed and that they will not support his re-election.
I saw this coming way back on February 16, 2018, when Zamfara State Governor, Abdulaziz Yari lamented as follows after gunmen butchered his citizens like chicken in Zurmi.
On that day, Yari, previously a rabid Buharist, said:
â€œI feel let down facing the people of this state whenever I remember the promise I made to them that when they elect President Muhammadu Buhari into power, these killings will end. But unfortunately, things are now getting worse.â€
This is just as Afenifere and Ohanâ€™eze have both said â€˜God forbidâ€™ to a Buhari second term.
When it seemed as though every strata of the Nigerian society, except the diehard serial sycophant, Nasir El-Rufai, has rejected the President, reprieve came his way when he was given a leadership award by the family of the late American civil rights hero, Martin Luther King Junior.
For good measure, MLKâ€™s family also appealed to Nigerians to reelect President Buhari.
But whatever reprieve the President got turned out to be a Pyrrhic victory because exactly two days after the MLK family endorsement, the real family of Martin Luther King Junior, comprising his biological children, denied the so-called â€˜familyâ€™ that came to give President Buhari his â€˜awardâ€™ and issued a strong denial.
On March 28, 2018, the Martin Luther King Junior Center released a statement saying, â€œThe award given to President Buhari of Nigeria was not given by The King Center, at the request of The King Center or by the children of #MLK and #CorettaScottKing.â€
What an embarrassment to Nigeria! But should we be surprised? Muhammadu Buhari, the man who makes fake promises, commissions fake projects, gives fake plagiarized speeches has now been exposed as a recipient of fake awards. Nigerians should have known that a President who could not produce his WAEC certificate is susceptible to fakery!
I was wondering how Martin Luther King Juniorâ€™s children will come to Nigeria to give an award to a tyrant! Their father had a dream and they came to Nigeria to associate with a nightmare? For what? Thank God they have denounced the award as fake!
It seems our President is now scandal prone because just before this incident, he had another scandal involving Bill Gates.
Apparently, President Buhari had invited Bill Gates to the Presidential Villa for the National Economic Council meeting, thinking Mr. Gates would praise him, but instead he got the shock of his life when his guest criticized his handling of the economy, saying it does not reflect the needs of Nigerians and that his economic blueprint lacks choreography. He then went on to describe Nigeria as â€œone of the most dangerous places in the world to give birthâ€!
But harsh as his statement may have been, Bill Gates did not say the whole truth.
Yes, it is true that Nigeria, under Buhari, is the worst place in the world to be born. But it is only true if you are a human being.
If you are a cow, then Nigeria is like paradise. Humans can be killed so that you can live. Under Buhari, the value of human life has fallen and the value of cattle life has risen! In fact, the Buhari government loves cattle so much that they want to take land from human beings to give it to cattle to colonize!
After reading Mr. Gates uncharacteristically blunt rebuke, I could not help but remember that it was just like yesterday that Buhari was crying in 2011 for Nigeria as if he knew the solutions to Nigeriaâ€™s problems. He deceived Nigerians and they made him President only to discover that he himself was Nigeriaâ€™s problem. Just like PHCN, problem has changed name to Buhari!
I have said it before and I will say it again, former President Jonathan might have made mistakes (tell me which human being does not make mistakes) but President Buhari himself is a mistake. Jonathan may have faced one or two problems, especially with Boko Haram, but Buhari is himself a problem!
Talking about Boko Haram, observant Nigerians cannot help but notice that these days, you read, hear and watch about Boko Haramâ€™s plans from government officials. Does Boko Haram still need an official spokesman again? It is from a government official that we learnt that Boko Haram would release or not #DapchiGirls. It is from their mouths we heard that Boko Haram is showing â€˜goodwillâ€™.
It was the minister of information that was trying to convince us that Boko Haram released #DapchiGirls out of the goodness of their heart without insisting on a ransom or prisoner swap. I am tempted to ask whose information minister Lai Mohammed is? Nigeriaâ€™s or Boko Haram? What an interesting time to be alive.
And to show how low Nigeria has sunk under Buhari, the APC Governor of Lagos declared Thursday a public holiday to celebrate Buhariâ€™s visit to Lagos on Thursday March 28, 2018.
Lagos has a GDP of $100 billion per annum. By shutting the state down, Lagos loses $250 million. Do you now see why our economy collapsed under Buhari? More attention is given to Buhariâ€™s ego than to economic matters. It is behaviour like this that has caused 10 million Nigerians to lose their jobs under Buhari!
Lagos state recently borrowed $200 million. Now she is losing $250 million because of the public holiday declared for Buhariâ€™s visit. That money can build 10 new hospitals and 100 new schools and 10,000 boreholes. But instead, the APC prefers to waste it on a public holiday for Buhari!
When Bill Gates said President Buhari prioritizes physical capital over human capital, people like Nasir El-Rufai, Buhariâ€™s favourite court jester, came out to attack him. But just a week after Mr. Gatesâ€™ apple truth to power, Buhari is going to Lagos and the APC government declared a public holiday for him. Does this not vindicate Bill Gates?
By preventing workers and businesses from opening for business for one day, the government is setting back human capital just for the physical capital of opening a bus stop. This is a pure example of why Bill Gates said Buhari prioritizes physical capital over human capital.
And this is the same Lagos state that is aggressively looking for funds, so much so that it has jacked up the Land Use Charges to ridiculous levels. This is the same state that is shutting itself down and losing the $250 million that it accrues to its GDP on a daily basis! I just hope Governor Ambode will not try to recoup this lost revenue by increasing other charges.
And to show you how backward Buhari is, 34 years ago he cancelled an underground railway train project (metroline) for Lagos state as a military dictator, then 34 years later he returns to the same Lagos to commission a bus station? It is like putting your N1 million in fixed deposit for 34 years and returning to collect N1,000! I would have been so disappointed if Lagosians turned out to celebrate this retrogression passed off as progress. Thank God my Lagos peeps are smarter than that.
In fact, the Buhari administration should be filmed and shown as a drama series on Africa Magic channel. Their hourly drama is more entertaining than any drama Africa Magic currently shows. The infighting in the government and the APC will put Wrestle Mania to shame. The backstabbing and hypocrisy is another thing!
The other day, it was the President himself who told us of the incompetency and insubordination of his own Inspector General of Police who refused his direct order to relocate to Benue State.
What punitive action did he take against IGP Idris? None.
Then on Wednesday March 28, 2019, Nigerians woke up to hear that suspected assassins who had allegedly â€˜confessedâ€™ to have been hired by Senator Dino Melaye had escaped from police detention.
The reaction of the IGP was almost immediate. He removed the Kogi State commissioner of police.
The irony of an incompetent IGP sacking an incompetent commissioner of police for letting suspects escape though. At least, the IGP is doing what Buhari should have done to him but lacked the balls to do. The most consistent things in Buhariâ€™s government are incompetence and confusion.
Just look at the inconsistencies of the Buhari administration with regards to the anti-terror war. You claim you defeated Boko Haram, then try to borrow $1 billion to defeat the defeated Boko, then the defeated Boko Haram kidnap (allegedly) and release #DapchiGirls, you announce ceasefire with the defeated Boko Haram, following which you offer the defeated Boko Haram amnesty. Your minister of information then goes on air to preside a defeated Boko Haram of showing â€˜goodwillâ€™. Is your head spinning yet?
Well, let me spin your head some more by quoting a letter written by Lai Mohammed, the current minister of information. He wrote this letter on April 18, 2013:
â€œWe have been compelled to write a letter to the Lagos State governor asking him to please prevail on the President to reschedule his visit. But if his visit must go on, he should use another means of transportation such as the helicopter so that the whole town is not locked up.
Anytime Mr President is coming to Lagos, our roads are closed, and traffic congestion is at its highest. The whole city is shut down for the entire day. You can imagine when weâ€™re expecting about 10,000 people from different parts of Nigeria to our convention, all heading for the same place. Itâ€™s going to be chaos. So, weâ€™re appealing to Mr. President, through the Governor, to please reconsider his visit. And if he must come, he should inflict the minimum pain and hardship on Nigerians.â€-Lai Mohammed, National Publicity Secretary, of the All Progressives Congress.
PDP: We apologise for our mistakes.
FG: Return all stolen loot first.
PDP: OK.. we wish to start with those who served under the PDP during its 16 years in office beginning with Abdullahi Adams, Danjuma Goje, Timipre Sylva, Rotimi Amaechi, Aliyu Wammako, Nasir El Rufai, Audu Ogbeh, Murtala Nyako, Rochas Okorocha, Musiliu Obanikoro, Kwakwanso, Chris Ngige…
APC (Cuts in): Donâ€™t bother again.