Nasir el-Rufai – But why?


Loud Whispers

Before I dared to take the laptop to write this piece, I had checked carefully if I own any house in Kaduna or anywhere for that matter.  A cursory audit has shown that I am a tenant and in fact, the house where I am writing this piece in Shomolu is rented and my official residence as the Duke of Shomolu is not ready and even that one will belong to the good people of Shomolu and as such the fear of the bulldozer is not on my mind. I really would not mind sha if they come and bulldoze this one sef by May, when my rent is due. Well that said, the news of the destruction of the house of the faction that suspended you from your party has hit us here in Shomolu with dismay. The reasons for the act as reported and alleged to be given by the parastatal for the action fall flat. My Lord, I truly do respect you and have been pushing in my WhatsApp group -  Dukes Platform, for a possible shot for the presidency as this third leg so you can understand my position on this new situation which does not augur well for our democracy. The timing of this action is just so wrong that I am almost crying for you because people are laughing at me in the group. Continued dialogue, negotiations, and peaceful approach to issues no matter how vexatious remain the backbone of democracy and you should know this na. Now, what kind of reconciliation would Tinubu come and do when a whole house has been brought down? If the man has not been paying land use or what did they even call it, is it today that the house must go down? Please, it’s not good o. Let’s calm down, politics should not be played like this. Let’s always seek for consensus because that is the only way we can build a truly virile democracy for ourselves and our children. Please   sir, can I send my address, we need to shake this my landlord small just before we start negotiating next year rent? Kai, Nigeria we hail thee.

Remi Tinubu – A Beautiful Matriarch
For me this is my mummy and anytime she speaks I listen. She is tall and elegant and the other day, when MC Malaye looked for her trouble I supported her.  She remains an enigma in my eyes and the main barometer for Asiwaju’s thinking. The things that Asiwaju will not say you can gauge it from mummy. So in a recent interview she told us of how Asiwaju was sidelined immediately after the election that ushered in Buhari. I tell you, it must have been a very low time for Asiwaju where even ‘’small’’ boys like Kachikwu tried him. Saraki also dealt a blow by snatching the Senate Presidency and refused to relinquish despite all efforts to get him to step down. Activities stopped in the other room at Bourdilon and mummy had to suffer for Nigeria. She now concentrated on calming his nerves, putting his head on her chest and begging him to calm down. I can just imagine how she will be saying in that her lovely voice, ‘’ma pa re o fun awon oloshi o’’ for those of us who do not understand Yoruba it means Nigerians love you, don’t worry. And Asiwaju will just be rolling up and down in bed and will be screaming intermittently – aghhh Saraki !!!!!, aghhhhh Oyegun !!!!!! aghhhh Fashola !!!!!!!. Emi, Ekun, emi Jagaban. And then mummy will just be begging. You know how they do it in those Yoruba movies. ‘’Oko mi, jo wa jeun’’. She would have put amala and ewedu on the table and he would walk past it stomping around the room. We thank God that we have passed that phase and we have been given an appointment to reconcile everybody including the very important task of demobilising the bulldozers. So mummy now came out to tell us how he was disparaged those times and how she herself did not want to offend her God ‘’for this man’’. Well, the best thing that can happen to any man even the Jagaban is a good woman. Mummy is a good woman. God bless you ma.

Wole Soyinka – Psychiatrist Calling!!!!!
The highly respected Nobel Laurette has been quoted to have said that he would need a psychiatric evaluation if he attempts to join any group set up by my paddy, OBJ. Well since he did not tell me I will not really react but then again if it is true that he said it because I have read it on many places, then I think just maybe we should take him up on his offer. You will say why am I saying this? I do not really know what exactly has caused the rift between these two very prominent Egba sons because if you want to hear the English you have not heard in your life, mention OBJ in front of Prof ohh; my God, you will begin to hear Engish that will make even the Queen of England run for Panadol. No matter the issue, no matter the logic whether the man is making sense or not. Once it is OBJ the Prof will fly into a frenzy and if he continues like this, he may give himself high blood pressure and that is why I am thinking that this psychiatric thing is not such a bad idea o. You see OBJ is not even disturbing himself flying around the world, enjoying his retirement and writing letters all over the place looking for trouble and laughing at our discomfort while Prof is busy giving himself headache. Me, I know one good psychiatrist at Yaba. I swear he is very good with these things. Should I send his number ? … laugh want kill me

Bishop Oyedepo – No, it is Not an Insult
I just finished watching a video where this highly respected man of God was prancing on stage claiming that he was said to be worth a measly $150m and that it was an insult to him. Hmmmmmmm, if I talk now they will say I will not enter heaven. But you see why Freeze is really taking this campaign against tithing to them. The only visible source of income I am seeing here is tithe o and to be worth N150m is an insult? I just dey cry because I have tried to open this church at Fola Agoro in Shomolu and the more I try only six people attend and even these ones are looking for job and as such na me dey even pay them tithe. Let me just keep quiet and allow God to fight his battle.

Most Influential Columnists – What of Me?
I am compiling a list of most influential Nigerian columnists in the last 20 years for a book project. So I sent out a survey to about 50 people and I got an exciting list. Legendary names like Ray Ekpu, Chidi Amuta and Dare Babarinsa made the list. My favourites like Chichy Emuchae, Ndaeyo Uko, who taught me satire and Sonala Olumhese were also on the list and then perennial favourites like Segun Adeniyi who still writes some of the most wonderful prose I have come across and Simon Kolawole who is looking like the local champion made the list. My Egbon Reuben Abati who called in and we had some of the most productive discussions on the project-I thank you sir, was very prominent on my list and then my other Egbon Dele Momodu was also permanently etched on almost every  list. My powerful Editor Shaka Momodu was also coming in and out of the list. They say, although he does not write regularly but when he writes na bomb. Well, looks like I will cancel the project because of the 50 people I surveyed only one person called my name. Tosin Runsewe the head honcho at AXA Mansard. You see when you are spiritually gifted God reveals things to you. My Lord Tosin it is not ordinary eye that revealed this to you but the holy spirit. God bless you and as Fashola once said at his Senate hearing, may your loyalty not be tested. Well, watch out for this project because it will shake this country.

Patience Jonathan: EFCC, We Have Begged
We have asked for an out-of-court settlement and you guys are still firing from all cylinders. It is not good na. We are on the floor and are saying please let us talk outside the court and you are still doing shakara. There is god o. No need for all these fight na. Two wrongs cannot make a right. We must learn to be our brothers keepers, after all, this money we are talking sef, is government money. So why can’t we discuss this matter like brothers. You see, before we reached this conclusion we had gone on a series of fasting and supplication to our Lord who immediately sent a message that we should push for this position. My lord Magu, there is nothing bigger than God so let us discuss this matter amicably after all you too have wife na. why will the former mother of the nation be begging you like this o. God will bless you as you consider this plea. I will sing for you after all these and cook real fresh fish for you when next you are in Yenogoa.