Vice President Osinbajo: I did not ask for a job’

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That is the statement that hit us this weekend from my favourite Vice President. While preaching in his church, he was said to have made the statement that he never really was looking for the job. So my question to him is ‘why you take am’. When they offer you something you no ask for, the good thing to do na to refuse am na’. But as we all know, that is not Nigerian, he accepted the offer and today the Naira is almost N500 to the dollar. You see the problem with the country is that those who are really prepared for the job never get the opportunity, it is the ones who are going on their own jeje with no wahala who are always called to serve.

When this happens, what do we expect? Today as the naira is dying, our Oga is in church talking about listening to the voice of God and giving testimonies of receiving the job like Moses received the 10 commandment in the wilderness. My Lord, the work is not in church o, people are literally dying; leave this pulpit alone and come and face the task you have taken or kuku just face the church and let us know what we are facing. Me I have been asking for the job all these years and they will not see me to give. Me I don’t kuku believe that my lord is listening to any voice becuase if he was, the voice will gently be telling him to come back home and face the ministry fully and allow those who really want the job to take it and see if we can at least fight off this evil headwind that is turning us all to a country of beggars.

Aliko Dangote: dead?
This news hit me while I was in the toilet. I quickly dropped the newspaper and jumped out without remembering to pull up my pants. It was the Philipino (yes Philipino , sit down there and be looking) maid who reminded me to pull up my pants. Aliko dead ke? I immediately placed a call to people who should know better. I called Femi, that is Otedola, who told me that he spoke with him recently and had not spoken to him just yet, that he would call Dangote again and get back to me. I said ok o. By this time I had started sweating. Was it his call that we sell our national assets that have made them kill this nice man? Kai and he was only joking o. I had once shared a toilet with him in a gym in Ikoyi. Well, he was in the next one sha and when I came out and saw that it was the richest man in Africa that was in the other toilet I began to respect myself that me too have been p….g in some high places. But this baba cannot die like that o, I decided to go and check the prices of sugar, salt and spaghetti because I know his death would surely affect these items but they remained stable and that gave me hope.

I later found out in the evening  that the baba was partying with our mutual friend, Aig, in faraway Surrey in Ebute Metta. My Lord, you will not die yet o. when you have not written your will and when you have not fulfilled your dream of providing us with bags of cement at N500. You will not die o; your enemies will die many times before you. You will live the life of Methuselah and the wisdom of Solomon will continue to be your portion and nothing will happen to your ratings on the Forbes list. May Adenuga, Elumelu and Ovia never catch up with you on that list and you will continue to be a beacon of hope to the rest of us who in our bid to emulate you have forged our own list since we cannot dream of making the Forbes list. So, we on the Akpabio list send you our heartfelt greetings and God’s blessing. Live long sir.

CBN Governor’s wife Kidnap : A lesson!!!!
Ever since the kidnap and rescue of this gentleman’s wife, I have beefed up security around my own wife – Mrs, Mofoluwake Oriyomi Edgar. I have increased the number of guguru defense and OPC that guard her and I have suspended all her trips towards that Agbor axis where the other madam was kidnapped. If anything happen to her, where will I get the President to deliver the order that would lead to her release in less than 24 hours? So, as they say, ‘cow wey no get tail’, I decide to be cautious and defend my property. I have since put tracker on her car and phone, I have also changed her driver and employed a driver from my mother’s village. I have also resorted to calling her every five minutes to make sure nothing has happened. Not that I love her that much, but did you guys see the amount the people asked for ransom? Even the CBN governor sweated when he heard the figure. The foolish kidnappers if they ever strike, will not know that the woman ‘no dey greet me for morning o and the last time she gave me………..’ They will just put price. Where will I start from with this kind exchange rate? So my people, my advice is for those of us who do not have federal might around us to start guarding our wives in the hope that they do not get kidnapped o. Kai, God forbid, na cry I go just cry. Aghhhhh, where is this woman na? Shebi I just see her now o, folukeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! Abeg, I no fit shout.

Ahmed Tinubu : Why shake Oyegun?
You see the problem with fighting another man’s fight. Last week, I told you guys how the Asiwaju could not play football because of his anger against Oyegun, Chairman of APC and honorary citizen of Ondo State. Me that I really do not understand how these things work, quickly took sides with Tinubu, raining abuses on Oyegun’s bald head and giving instructions to my family to immediately declare him persona non grata in all our events, effectively barring him from attending my father-in-law’s burial. You can now imagine my shock when I saw pictures of Asiwaju shaking Oyegun, I almost collapsed. Why can’t these people hold anger for one minute. You see my dilemma? I have gone too far o and now Asiwaju is greeting Oyegun. I must look for a way to go and make peace with him o. Who will I send now. Kai  Asiwaju na wa . Up till last night, me and him were still abusing this man with his ugly shoes. See life? Abeg, my master please forgive me. It is poverty that led to all these. Do not vex. Akwa Ibom is not too far from Edo, we are brothers. Please forgive me o. The next time that Asiwaju fights another person, he will have to give me an undertaking that the fight will last for at least six months o. Kai, Nigeria, no permanent enemy o, na permanent interest. Abeg, where is that Oyegun phone number sef.

Recession : My take
Ever since we got into this recession,I have deliberately kept quiet. This is because my Aunty Kemi had said we are technically in a recession and as such I felt that there was no need to say anything since we were not really inside the wahala. But today we are neck-deep in it and there is no sign that we will come out of the thing any time soon. The naira has been battered, whole industries are being wiped out and millions have lost their jobs and corruption despite government’s posture is as rampant as you can imagine. I will not keep quiet again. I have to stand up for the voiceless and speak for them. I will have to stand up and for those who cannot stand again, I will have to cry for those who are too battered to cry and I will have to beg for those who cannot beg again.
Please whoever is in charge, be it at the CBN or the Finance Ministry or the Presidency, I am begging. It is no longer a joking matter. It is a matter of serious national emergency. Your children are crying and dying; whatever you have to do, whether it is to sell national asset or declare a state of economic emergency. Whatever it is you want to do, just do it. Your people have never had it so bad. This generation and indeed future generations of Nigerians have nowhere else to run to. They cannot even check out like Andrew. The airlines are all grounded so we have no other country but Nigeria and we cannot continue to stay here and salvage it in the midst of spreading poverty and infrastructural decay, while our leaders bicker over Ondo State election and other sundry issues of minute national importance. Please sir, as you have said you belong to no one, we belong to you . We need to eat. Thank you sir.