‘………and he killed his wife’


The mob is awakened. Baying for blood, he has killed his wife, he must be lynched, the bastard must be hanged by his balls and roasted on the pillar of self righteousness. He said he only slapped her and he even bought her Pap and moin, moin to eat just before she died. Who will listen to him, who will hear his own side, who will understand  the pain of a man who just found out his wife was adulterous and rubbing it all over his face, how will he even attempt to seek for his constitutional right to fair hearing and in a panic he runs. He runs as far as his tired legs can take him, the mob riding on the self righteous platform provided by media both social and otherwise, chase after him, thirsting for his blood and when he can no longer run he turns himself in and in victory the self appointed protectors of the female dignity are claiming victory when the autopsy report has not even come out. My brother Shode has been accused, tried and pronounced guilty. Na wa.
I know, I will be pilloried for swimming against the tide, but I feel very strongly that in this issue of domestic violence we always always forget about the other side and in most cases the man’s side. Once he has raised his hands, he is a monster, the degradation, the humiliation he goes through, the extreme provocation that pushes an otherwise gentle giant into acts of such depravity is never looked at and as long as we continue to do this, we will continue to witness such acts of violence against women who we erroneously label the weaker sex.
In this case, there is a corpse on the ground and there cannot be any justification for it not a justification for raising a hand against any woman talk less of a woman who has gone through the pains of childbirth for a man. A man must always find that inner strength to turn and walk away even in the face of massive verbal violence despite the urge to break a neck. That defines a true man, but in so doing our women folk must help the man by showing respect, continuous obedience and a willingness to just say ‘sorry’ even if it is just for momentary peace instead of the usual abuse and assault. When they are screaming and cursing their husbands mothers and his ancestors, the female activists are no where to be found and when the man after years of endurance breaks, madam ‘Joe’ will appear with a throng of cameras and in her dreadlocked gait scream to high heavens, ‘he has killed his wife’. All I am saying here is that can a little effort be placed on the causative reasons for these violence instead of waiting for the effects and screaming blue murder. Citizen Shode remains innocent until tried and found guilty in a competent court of Law and till then all his rights and dignity should be preserved. I know say this one wey I write so, I don look for trouble, but someone must be the voice of reason in this season of cacophonous confusion. Kai, my wife didn’t cook for me o can you imagine, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!.

Nigeria’s riskiest jobs
With the advent of the present administration headed by my Lord and Master Alhaji(General) Muhammadu Buhari some jobs have simply become very risky to hold. I have gone out of my way in carrying out an in depth research with a view to highlighting these career path so that people can help their children avoid them as they fill their JAMB forms. Here goes:

Bank CEO’s
As I write three have gone in to eat beans. my handsome and suave brother Herbert Wigwe of Access, Cool gentleman Yemi Adeola of Sterling and the very cosmopolitan Nnamdi Okonkwo of Fidelity. Infact I even have just heard that an Executive Director at First Bank has also been invited to dinner. My people Bank CEO’s are endangered species today and Infact my candid advise to all bankers is that as they progress in their careers when they find themselves approaching Executive Management Cadre, they should just retire and go into Nollywood it’s safer.

With the way the Fulani Herdsmen are going, I don’t think it’s a wise idea to be a farmer at this time. Just ask elder statesman Olu Falae and the Enugu Farmers and you will agree that not all the ranches in Mexico will keep these herdsmen from their murderous rampage. However if you insist on continuing with farming, try my friend Usmans style use mobile Apps and Faceboôk you will live a long life.

Ex Petroluem Ministers
This is another precarious one. From Even Buhari through Tam David West and now Deziani that career path is rigged with explosives. Most of the occupants of these office have always come out diminished filled with regrets. I think Minister of women affairs remains the safest and most peaceful at least na madam Joe Odumakin (is that the true spelling of her name) go be your constant companion.

Senate Presidency
The worst of them all. OBJ talked about the Banana Peel. Impeachment and disgrace have always been their lot. Okadigbo lost his life although not during his tenor. Today Saraki is battling all the battles in this country, I even wonder how he still manages to sleep at night. Senate Presidency is not for the weak hearted.

Opposition party spokesman
Run away from that advert announcing this vacancy. Spokesman for opposition party in a third world country like Nigeria is a magnet for ‘bullet’. It’s you pouring blood all over your body and running into a Lions den hoping and praying that you will be ignored by the hungry Lions. I laugh.

Super Eagles Coach
The worst of them all. You will be owed salaries and still expected to perform. You will be abused by all and sundry and your players will also be rude to you. Even when you win the Cup of Nations, you will still be sacked and when you don’t win anything like my brother Oliseh only your God will be there to console you.

NFF Chairman
Make I just keep quiet here.

‘Nigeria is fantastically corrupt’ – David Cameron
I don’t blame him. They are the ones who are corrupt. We are not corrupt anything Jo and how did he even come to that conclusion. It’s not his fault, when our leaders all go there and be screaming that we are corrupt as if we are the only ones in the world that is corrupt. Look there is corruption in Bukingham Palace after all the money I paid during my last visit to the place to see the Queens guards take care of her horses was not receipted. If that is not corruption, I don’t know what else is. We are not corrupt we just have a different way of distributing wealth that is not known to the western world.

FCMB – legacy well kept
I am a proud Alumni of FCMB that institution built by the legendary Otunba Michael Subomi Balogun. As a young Investment Banker on one of my many trips to Tinubu Square to buy fairly used Shirts for work, I stumbled on the Otunba arriving at his Primrose Towers for work and immediately got struck with his aura and strong presence. I swore then and there to work in this institution with a strong legacy for service and excellence. So you can imagine my dismay when during the week, I saw some things on social media casting aspersions to the integrity of FCMB. I quickly made my calls enquiring about the true situation of things and found out that nothing could be further from the truth. Infact the Bank is today one of the largest lenders to the Retail market and with a diversified revenue base and increasing customer base, the bank is poised to whether the strong currents of negative economic headwinds with class.

Adieu Adeniji Adele
I was a very young school leaver when this popular politician ruled the Lagos Island as the Chairman of the Local Government. I still remember his mass transit system which itself was pioneering. His daughter Wura is my friend although I had not seen her in years. Upon hearing of his demise, I reached out to my friend ‘princess’ a family friend who told me she was at one of his houses in Yaba. I went to pay my condolences and in the process was offered a hot plate of Eba and a chilled bottle of coke. As I hadn’t eaten all day, I sat down and ate the food well. I met Wura again and she was still eternal in her beauty despite her loss. This is a national loss even though his legacy and strong love for his people will continue to keep his memory fresh in our minds. Sleep well baba.

April in Abuja
Kai, I have not seen a more beautiful woman than this April. Hips like the hills of Gilead, eyes as bewitching as the almonds of Jericho. She walked into my life at the aje nick restaurant in Port Har out and in that second shattered all what I thought defined a beautiful woman. I saw her again in Abuja this week. An apparition, her beauty still gleaming in the warm sunshine of the the Abuja day and with shaky voice I reached out at her and could only mutter out a shrill ‘hi’. She smiled and remembered me and asked how I was, I could only go down in one knee in obeisance to her beauty. She should be a tourist attraction with which the government can use to diversify the economy. She should be worshiped, I worship her. Kai, April . I had die.