Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Nasir El-Rufai: Nunc Dimittis 

I know you guys will not know the meaning of this ‘Nunc Dimittis’; even me, I dont know. But the thing sounds like those Latin songs of sorrow we used to sing those days in secondary school when I was attending Catholic Church because of its short Mass

That is exactly how el-Rufai would be feeling now- sorrowful. He is said to be lamenting how some of his friends and associates have been treating him since his incarceration, and has promised to reassess his relationships in the future

Now, if he is just finding out about life and friends at his age, then I’m thoroughly disappointed that a whole Mallam with all his intelligence could be so shocked

Awon Aye, that is what Yoruba people call it. You only know your true friends at times like this

I am sure a lot of his friends who benefited immensely from him when he was governor have decamped to the other side and are even helping his oppressors to drive the nail in harder

Thankfully, Atiku is standing by him and has even named him into his presidential campaign committee, and that is brilliant.

The Atiku’s campaign has been wobbling since el-Rufai was taken out, and his inclusion, even if it’s through sending messages through carrier pigeons, will still help a little bit.

My brother el-Rufai, don’t despair; as we say in our church, this too shall pass. Pele ooo.

Peter Akah: Do You Know Remi Tinubu?

He calls himself Randy Peter and must have really come to the studio very randy. If you know this person very well, and you cannot miss him with his cheap beret and national colours outfit, you will know that he shoots his mouth like an unserviced machine gun.

That was how we were both invited by the elegant Ruth Osime to come on her show, Perspective, to discuss Peter Obi’s wife’s multimillion naira bag and its effect on presidential campaign.

I spoke like the intellectual that I am. I said, “Oh, the bag sends a divergent signal from the one the husband was trying to push as a frugal and very simple man, throwing up control and cohesion issues.”

Mbok, as e reach this boy turn, he just shot off on a different tangent – Remi Tinubu did this, Remi Tinubu did that. Aghhhhh!!! I was just looking in awe as the bobo prattled. Ruth was just staring; me, my mouth was open and spit was coming out as he continued- Remi Tinubu built tower of Babel, Remi Tinubu painted the wall of China, Remi Tinubu did this, Remi Tinubu did that, kai.

When he tired out after the long dribble, I begged Aunty Ruth, mbok, can you let us stay on focus, abi no be Margaret Obi you say we should come and discuss? 

“How can I come and talk about a woman’s bag, when Tinubu has…,” he fired back, and from there, he went again – miners have died, they have stolen treasury, hopeless people.

In it all, he even called me Joseph Edjar. Edjar? Kai, I suffered in this prattle-mouth man’s hand, I swear.

Of course, in the end, social media went into a frenzy with his “mumu” and “dodoyo” followers carrying him on their virtual shoulders, hailing him and abusing the living daylight of me.

But as the frenzy died down, common sense started prevailing. Not only did he fail to stay focused; the mumu inadvertently sold Remi Tinubu in a way her own people would never have. By the time Nigerians listened well to him, he had shown us exactly what Remi had done in healthcare, welfare, and philanthropy in the last few years – do you know that Remi Tinubu has spent over N5billion on charities? When you now weigh it against Margaret Obi, whose only posturing is to be carrying an expensive bag and wearing fake expensive hair, do the maths.

With friends like Peter, the other Peter needs no enemies, I swear. Kai. 

Keagborekuzi I: A Boy King Emerges

This is the highly revered Dein of Agbor. If you know your history very well, you will know that he entered the Guinness Book of Records as the youngest ever monarch in the world at two years old. Yes, you read right. He was born in 1977 and his father, the then-Dein, passed in 1979. The crown fell on his infant head. He was sent to England, where he stayed for over 20 years before he came back. He has ruled for over 40 years, making him one of the longest on the throne and still one of the youngest at below 50.

That was how I met up with His Royal Majesty in Ikoyi the other day. I had worked with a former Governor of Delta State and my Uncle Magnus Onyibe to reach him, and I went with “Glen” that Amaju had given me and my  Maddtimes Coffee Table book that curates 100 of the most powerful and influential people in this country.

He looked very fine o and his royal robes were truly “royalling”. I knelt to greet him, and then we started talking about Nigeria. Long story short, I will be doing a stage play with the working title ‘Dein of Agbor,’ this December at the Muson Centre.  If you cannot afford the tickets, don’t worry; Lebara Nigeria, hope you know them, is footing the bill, so just come. See you. 

Nyesom Wike: Going, Going, Going…

Oya, this one has carried the fight to northern governors, or should I say APC governors, and those ones have vowed to finish him and his Rainbow Coalition. Remember that I have said in this column that win or lose, post-2027, Wike would be gone politically.Well, the waves have started, as I think he has finally bitten off more than he can chew. I just saw a report that suggests that northern governors have vowed to build a bridge towards Abubakar Atiku in annoyance at the “perfidy” of this person if President Tinubu does not rein him in.

Mr. Wike has built a very colourful political career from his days as local government chairman. Over the years, he has built an influential political trajectory, making us forget that his control is only in Rivers State and maybe the nation’s capital, where he holds sway as minister of the Federal Capital Territory.

His noise puts him at the level of national leadership, not minding that one state and a territory do not make the country.

Well, what else can we do as observers but to get our popcorn and chilled drinks, sit with our legs on a stool and watch this drama as it builds up. I have already started work on his political epitaph and will be updating as we go because I really do believe that the movie is gradually getting close to its end. Eya.

\

Jide Idris: Ebola, Here We Go Again

Na wa o. These people have gone to contract Ebola again, and the thing is now threatening us again. That was how, on my way back from the UK the other day, this very beautiful Emirates counter staff asked if I had filled in the Ebola form. Thankfully, it took just five minutes to fill, and when we landed, no official remembered to ask us about it as they got distracted with their usual, “wetin you bring, oga”.

Mr Idris has just released a statement putting us on high alert and asking us to prepare. This thing is annoying and fearful at the same time. Mbok, why can’t they just stop eating monkeys or whatever it is that is making this thing catch them and now come and be disrupting our lives in this Nigeria?

Funny enough, despite the so-called N40 million health budget, according to speed mouth Peter, these things never really emanate from here. We will just be sitting down on our own, minding our business, and they will just go and bring these things to us. Abi is that not how they went and brought COVID and this same Ebola that year? Now see what they are doing again. 

Gen. Christopher Musa: Kindly Excuse Me

This baba is Chief of Defence Staff or something like that, and in a podcast, he is reported to have advocated that every Nigerian should have military training so that, among others, we can see what they suffer. He went ahead to list some of those sufferings – sleepless nights, long journeys, and hunger, among others.

This one should just come and kill me here. No sleep? No food? And no sex? This baba should just leave me out of this one; otherwise, I will claim Cameroon.

Please, as much as I support this advocacy, especially with the plenty of our youths abusing people on X and other social media platforms as prime targets, there should be an age limit, mbok.

Those of us who are above 50 years will just “kaput” on the first day of training. But instead of giving us training, they can find small advisory roles for us. I, for one, can train the female regiments in so many areas. I promise to do a very good job on that one. You can make me a four-star General in that space, and you need not worry again.

Mbok, where do we go for registration? I am ready to handle the female regiment in different areas of modern warfare. Kai!

Jumoke Oduwole: Xenophobia at the Door

My dear Minister, I hear that there is xenophobia at the door. Igbo traders are brandishing their swords against Chinese traders in this our Lagos o.

Listen, let me say my mind as fearlessly and as boldly as I can: the Igbo traders fighting the Chinese are not a serious bunch. So, their anger is that they import from China, and as such, the Chinese cannot play retailers’ role here. Jokers!

So the Chinese stand by and see the huge margins plied on their goods and will not do anything? With no value added except importation, you push your margins to the envy of those who took R&D risks, investment risks and all to manufacture, and you now come and do like a hyena.

One Igbo man engaging me said that the Igbos cannot manufacture because of cost and that the government should protect them from these Chinese.

I said fa fa fa, foul!

They should go into large-scale manufacturing of these items, probably with Chinese partners, and now use their clout to fight for rebates, tax incentives and other forms of legitimate protection.

But they will not do that, since they are so used to staying at the tail end of the value chain and importing and eating from other people’s sweat.

Now the same people who were crying in South Africa have turned back to want to be doing almost the same things to Chinese in Lagos, not Aba.

These Igbo traders just want to continue leaching so they can be doing “Money na water.”

The government should come down very harshly on anybody disturbing any Chinese who is doing legitimate business with complete approvals before they give us a bad name. Rubbish

Come and beat me.

Professor Mgbeke: Empty is this Barrel

Ok, someone had called me from the UK  saying: “Edgar, there is a lady who is about to release a tape on the Senate President, and it will be explosive.” I asked for the lady’s name and was told she’s Prof. Mgbeke and that the Senate President’s people are wary and are running all over the place to try and mute it. The tape, I hear, contains their conversations about many people.

I hissed and told the person that me I have over 300 copies of my coffee table book on power and influence to sell so I can go and collect my house back – I had mortgaged my house as collateral to publish the book, so my issue at hand wasn’t some spoilt insider who has turned yellow.

The tape was released, and I didn’t even bother to listen. It didn’t make the desired landfall, as Nigerians did not even glance at it.

Then last night, someone said, “ Ohhh, have you listened to how this Prof person finished the ARISE TV crew? The person sent the tape, and I listened.

Oh my God! That was a demented mind speaking. She was dropping bombs, calling the crew names, dropping names, feeling self-important and threatening “Nduka.”

That made me go listen to the Akpabio tapes, and immediately after the first five minutes, I just shut the thing off. Who secretly tapes the other and betrays that confidence in that manner? Anyone who can go that far does not deserve any form of attention and should not be taken seriously.

I thought we had cyber laws against these things. Na wa.

 Damilola Emmanuel: Working in the Waterways

This young chap is the Special Adviser to the Lagos State Government on Blue Ocean, and under him are the Lagos waterways.

During the week, I made a working tour – see me dey talk like Umahi to his office – and what I saw made my head swell with pride.

Apparently, Lagos now moves over 70,000 people daily through the waterways, and it has now secured a €410 million loan/grant to upgrade infrastructure, acquire more ferries and strengthen regulation so that they can meet the 170,000 daily human traffic target in five years

Dami is heading this push on behalf of the state government, having been promoted from GM to the very admirable position of Special Adviser.

Dami’s elevation was firmly supported by his firm accomplishments. He and his team have, among others, delivered over 14,000 life jackets, bringing down the accident rate by over 90%. They have also placed marker buoys along five Cowry Creek, delivered the first waterways fuel station, floating clinic, command and control centre, amongst others.

Dami remains really excited about the prospects of the waterways as a major push towards decongesting roads and boosting economic activities in the metropolis

Aigboge Aig-Imoukhuede: Stay Tuned

I have been invited to Oga’s 60th at Eko Hotel as I write. They have said we should all wear black tie, and I have not done that for over 20 years

Now the question is, will I do Mr. Aigboje the honour of wearing a tie for the first time in 20 years or damn the consequences and tie my Mudi wrapper to the event? After all, they will not even serve afang. Guys, please stay tuned; I will keep you posted.

 Donald Duke: Lunch in Ikoyi

That is how this still very good-looking gentleman invited me for lunch in his sprawling Ikoyi residence. I was so excited and started preparing, but the moment he said, “Madam just go Calabar this morning,” my heart sank because I knew there would be no afang.

Truly, na jollof rice, plantain, chicken and coffee the man offered me. You see the importance of Madam in the house? Last time I was there, it was madam o, come and see – Afang with periwinkle and snail fighting in the soup. The green was fresh, just like how I like it. Then there was crayfish, what we Ibibios call “abu”, then sprinkled fresh fish and goat meat, all with fufu and washed down with a bottle of Coke.

My presidential candidate gave me rice and dodo, and I kept asking myself – does he really want my continued support?

Anyway, as we ate, the conversation went from Wike, to the UNGA wahala, to his candidacy. 

“Oh Edgar, I am being strategic,” he said. To run a presidential campaign, you need about N30 billion, and I don’t have that kind of money, so I am being very strategic.”

The conversation continued and became very rich and engaging, making me forget that afang was not on the table.

Unfortunately, I cannot tell you all that we spoke about. It was for my ears only.

Thank you and God bless.