Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Dear Paul Adefarasin, Which Nigeria is Dead?

He thinks I don’t like him. That’s what I have gleaned from his associates. But who won’t like such a dashing and good-looking man?

And this is the problem. Paul represents the very best of elite finery. The ones that don’t know how to suffer or are not interested in suffering.

Coming from a rich pedigree as he regularly extols, the goings on in the system have now begun to concern him, especially when he looks at how much it would take him to fly his usual business class now compared to previous times.

Plucking his eyes from his calculator, he screams at his congregation: “Nigeria is dead.” He continues to show his adeptness in lifestyle calculation. “How much is N1 billion?” He queries his wannabes.

They open their mouths in awe. “My father’s salary was N18,000 in the 80s, and that was money. Today, the naira is nothing, and Nigeria is dead.”

Coming from a man who is not producing anything but perches at the near top of a crumbling termitarium and feeding off the labour of drones who slave to feed him, we can only smile.

Nigeria is anything but dead, Mr. Paul. He perhaps has never heard of Martin Luther King Jnr., or Desmond Tutu, or even the various Catholic Priests who, tired of the shenanigans, jumped into the space to attempt a change.

His own is to climb on his golden mantle and cry like a toy soldier that Nigeria is dead, so that others can sacrifice their limbs and life to repair it for him and his ilk.

Nigeria, my brother, is far from dead. Nigeria is a growing concern, making global headways in strategic sectors like oil and gas, agriculture, sports, entertainment and the rest. A dead country is attracting massive international investments in those areas. A dead country is pulling in $25 billion annually in diaspora receipts, a dead country now has a N3 trillion entertainment industry, a dead country is slowly reversing medical tourism, and a dead country has produced the largest pool of ethnic medical personnel in that his favourite country, America.

Nigeria is far from dead, but has a weak leadership with no vision, and this is what the spineless pastor cannot point out.

Nigeria is dead. Who killed it? If the pastor cannot tell us who killed it, then he should go and sit down in his Gucci pants and let us focus on our pain.

What we see here is the frustration of our elites, seeing that it is increasingly becoming more difficult to maintain the hedonistic lifestyle they are used to, hence their sad and shameful cry for rebate in the midst of the worst poverty trap we are facing since independence.

People like these are the main issue with our push for salvation. They wail like annoying babies, and once their nannies stick the stopper in their mouths, they keep quiet.

Let’s not be distracted by the wailing of this ‘spoilt child’ and remain focused on the battle ahead.

2027 should be a watershed, even if we lose, we will sha know that we tried as we prepare for another round. Thanks. Come and beat me.      

Rotimi Amaechi: A Bald Attempt

Did you all see the ADC primary results? Even my driver would have polled better if he had contested.

At times, one would be thinking what these politicians smoke, this one in particular. Apparently, since President Tinubu said ‘Emilokan,’ every politician has taken that mantra, or how else do we explain why this one sef would think he would have a chance?

It is very clear that the tiniest chance he would have is to be Atikus’s running mate, pray that that one does one term, or even two, and then use that platform to emerge as president.

Can Rotimi Amaechi even win me in a free and fair contest in this country? Can he even win Rivers State that Nyesom Wike has appropriated to himself?

Rotimi is a lightweight who was appointed Minister of Transport under a lacklustre regime. Apart from the railways, he did nothing but pander to the ego of one of the most useless administrations ever.

These people dance only to the drunken sounds of their own discordant tunes. They drunkenly cause obstruction to the building of a credible opposition that would save this country. They will be splitting votes, causing distractions and generally, directly and indirectly, lending themselves to our oppressors as they continue to engender terrible governance on us.

N800 billion is said to have been mismanaged, joblessness, insecurity, and all sorts of malaise and these jokers, plus Mr. Jonathan, are running around causing more confusion than we need.

Is it so much to ask that these twiddles stand clear, and let’s give Tinubu a fight for his broom? Can’t they let us throw up a truly acceptable candidate that even if Tinubu wins, he will know that he suffered for the victory, as against this one, where he will just walk over everybody and be singing “le kan si” and be doing us anyhow.

This ADC’s primary result, anyway,  is very clear in its messaging – just go.

Oga, just go and let us see road, abeg.

Bola Tinubu’s Weight Lose and New National Ethos

Is President Tinubu mocking us? We are talking about weight loss from real hunger and he too just came down from his 150 motorcade to also be talking about his own weight loss. No nau. The weight loss we are talking about is the one from real life hunger where we are doing 0-1-0 eating formula or 0-0-0 that millions have adopted for days. People are really not eating o, the suffering is huge and cascading and growing by the day. That is what is causing our own weight loss.

Your own will be probably from worrying about Obi and Atiku or from the fallout of all the City Boys losing their primaries and that kind of thing.

So let’s get it straight, the two weight losses are from two very distinct causes. Yours is kinda temporary and will soon be over once 2027 is over but ours is looking like it is never ending o if something drastic does not change.

So my dear Mr. President, do not joke with our weight loss oo. I really beg you because a hungry man is truly an angry man. Mbok just leave us alone with our weight loss and focus on other things and you will be ok. Thank you.

Leave VDM Alone

VDM, the influential social activist, has cried out. The man took presidential spokesman Bayo Onanuga to the cleaners, calling him “stupid” and even posting the true definition of the word so there is no mistaking what he was trying to label the baba. He went on to abuse the living daylight of the man and said he was going to change his ticket so he could come back to Nigeria earlier than planned and dared them “to come try carry me.”

You see, it is this kind of activism that I cannot do. The fear of being locked up used to make me calm down o, otherwise, with the kinds of things that are happening in this country, if I say everything that is in my mind, they will do a Mandela on me.

But let’s remain focused. What is happening with VDM and Uncle Bayo? They say he has been spreading a fake voice note of President Tinubu, allegedly begging Obi to do something. The accusation is that VDM is the one using his huge leverage to push the message, and Mr. Bayo, in his characteristic manner, asked that the full weight of the law be thrown at VDM.

VDM has abused his “papa and mama,” and even said he will not even bless them with a denial and that this is all calculated to shut him down because of his vitriolic attacks on the President, his policy, his family and everything else.

Well, for me, I think Mr. Bayo should leave VDM alone. This is election season; worse things will happen, this is just the beginning. Even your side has and will throw out worse things, so I don’t understand the sensitivity on this matter.

Something so fleeting that the next sex tape will erase from public attention that you, a whole Bayo, are doing “agbaya” things and rushing after a “boy” that looks like he has not taken a bath in days. Mbok, go and focus on the Oyo students and stop looking for people to bully, abeg. It’s too early in the morning. Thank you.

Kio Amachree: A Self-promoting Champion or Hero of Democracy?

Before this one writes one sentence, he will tell us how his grandfather was there when Lord Lugard was making love to Flora Shaw, and how that one witnessed how Flora screamed “the Niger Area” in the throes of an orgasm, thereby birthing this geographical expression called Nigeria.

My people, this is a new style of activism o. Every article starts with “My grandfather is… my father is… my mother… Mbok, the thing is tiring that it takes all of my strength to go through the biography before I now go to the depth of his submission.

One thing that I give this padi is his depth. The man knows his onions as he attacks the Tinubus with facts that come from verifiable references, complete with file number, dates, and even the weather on the day the report was made.

It’s like he truly is on a mission, as I hear that he fires over seven articles per day using Facebook as his platform. The man is gaining traction as his writings are being shared by millions.

This is where Uncle Bayo should be focused right now, as the man is going at the hearts of a critical section of the society – elites with unadulterated information. He needs to be qualitatively countered and not by that mere scrooge you people sent.  It did not take him a second to demolish him.

This Kio man is looking like he can singlehandedly change the narrative of Emilokan o. Kai, his writings are sweet and very easy to read. What is helping the Tinubu side is that his penchant for using the first paragraph to tell us how his grandfather took a “shit” at Queen Elizabeth’s favourite toilet in 1936 bores his readers. If he can just slow down with all that self-promotion, then Tinubu has much more than VDM and all these “tata” activists in his hands to deal with. What he would be facing would be a well-trained, well-prepared propagandist that can move institutions and people’s minds against the empire. Fear is catching me o. Kai.

Joseph Edgar: Defender of the Weakened Man

Hmmm, as I speak, I have been kicked out of the other room, ending just three months of solace after being banished for over seven years. So many women have “blocked” me, and a lot more have hissed at me on the streets, and it’s very ok.

So I had gone on my sister Ruth Osime’s very popular show and declared “nothing like side chick,” and that clip went viral. Millions shared it, and the thing ran throughout last weekend. I was both the most admired man and the most vile and hated man in Nigeria.

Women abused the living daylight of me, and men in their muted praise carefully whispered their support, begging me not to mention their names.

See, my position is very clear, and I still stand by it – men are weakened and cowardly in the war of the sexes. They have been beaten to the point of submission that women now run homes and are making decisions with our “mumufied” men, just nodding their heads and afterwards, go to bars to watch football to drown their sorrows.

Now it’s the reign of women, they control thought, give direction, and generally just go around traumatising men. How can you frown at polygamy? Polygamy o. What is wrong with that? Then a woman sleeps with another man on her matrimonial bed, and the women are shouting good for him. They are hailing the woman, and the men are there looking like fools. The husband reacts by muting and ignoring the woman, and the whole women are abusing him, “king of malice.” If he goes violent, they will arrest and jail him. Now he goes quiet, and you are abusing him.

Men are not a serious bunch; they have lost their erections and are just “mumu” pawns on the chessboard of life controlled by women who are basically just confused about their positioning in life, hence the social instability that we are now facing as a society. Me? I am crazy and will not stand that rubbish. Any man who can, marry more women. Any man who has been emasculated in his home, fight and get back your position. The man is the lion and must remain so, no matter the allure of sex, which is a potent weapon in this fight. If you can’t hold yourself, adopt “self-love,” use your hand, get your relief and face the battle squarely. Let’s take back this power. Enough.

Magnus Onyibe: Happy Nuptials

Yes o, my brother Magnus, the prolific writer and essayist is in nuptial mode  but tarry, before you now start thinking it is him that is getting married again on the back of my war cry that there is nothing like side chick.

 It is his lovely daughter Sopuluchukwu who is getting married to handsome Toluwalahe.

I hear that Magnus had plans for super brilliant Sopu – mbok let me call her that – to go for her PhD but this Tolu came and swept her off her feet. But before giving consent, he requested that she be allowed to do the doctorate and the couple quickly agreed.

Magnus these days is truly a very happy man and you can see from his writings that he is now using big big English as a potential grandfather na.

I remain quite happy for the Onyibes especially for my dear sister and friend, Hellen, who has been Magnus’ spare rib for decades. Congrats once again and I wish the new couple a God filled nuptials. Thanks.

Adebayo Adelabu: A Defeat Foretold

The prophet had told him to buy over N100 million worth of candles. Instead of doing that, he went to fire a petition. Me, I already know that you cannot play with the “Lord” like that and not see the consequences. The figures that came out of the APC primaries in Oyo were so humiliating that shame was catching me for him.

He has cried wolf and is attempting to appeal, but for me, if he does not retrace his footsteps and go and buy those candles, there is no way forward. He must not only buy the candles, but he must go to the white garment church and get those pretty young damsels with perky breasts in sheer gowns. He must make them go into a trance-like motion. You know that kind of trance that will make them jump and start shouting “eliiii, eliiii.” He should then invite me to come and watch. This must go on overnight. Just 20 of such ladies, all full bosom, light-skinned with no blemish and no jewellery.

Then and only then, you may have a chance. But if you fail to heed this my prophecy, then you will be facing band A failure.  Thus says the Lord, this is a message from the mountain top in Shomolu. I have spoken. Eliiiiiiiiii.