Loud Whispers
News I am hearing from the beautiful city of Calabar is not comforting at all and I am looking for my white garment, candles and olive oil to commence spiritual battle against those who are bent on persecuting my only mummy in the Bakassi region. Things I hear have not really been smooth for ekanmi (that is my mother for those of you who do not understand the United Nations approved international language – Efik). Ever since Senator Ita Giwa decamped to the APC, she has really known no peace. I think that move might have ruffled some very powerful feathers which has led to her losing some of her beautiful sleep.
You know at the age of 71 she cannot be playing with her sleep. All sorts have been happening to her culminating in her recent invitation by the authorities where she was allegedly told in no clear terms that her popularity in the state was a security threat. She was asked to write a statement that she would try her best to stop being popular. But seriously, the question I want to ask this morning is, ‘Who is afraid of Senator Ita Giwa.’  Personally, I do not see how this perceived harassment including summoning her for questioning and alleging all sorts like planning to destabilise the system would mute her or make her run with her tail between her legs from a state she has given so much to. In case you do not know, ekanmi comes from a fiery background. She once told me a story of how she saw her mummy drop three times from a Blackmaria because of her principled stance against the tyranny of those days.
So a lady with that kind of pedigree would not whimper at these putative confrontations. She has given so much not only to the state but to Nigeria as a whole, she has flown the beacon of women leadership almost to the highest levels in this country, she has fought for the downtrodden especially the almost destitute refugees of the Bakassi peninsula and won international admiration for this role, I think her decision to decamp to another party should not be a basis for her demonification if there is any word like that. I think our leaders and politicians should learn how to dialogue during strife or use positive political strategy to disarm opponents instead of leaning on brute force or the threat of it in intimidating perceived opponents. Now I have taken a definite stance against perceived forces who have never even heard of me o. Me and my big mouth but then again, truth is truth my people. Na here I stand o, where are these candles sef?
Lai Muhammed: I Beg to Disagree
You know this thing started like joke, when the minister announced that he had received petitions from Nigerians complaining about the hosting of Big Brother Nigeria in South Africa. He had at the time said he was going to investigate and get back to us. Today, he has announced his intention to work for the banning of creative productions outside of the country. I will totally agree with him if he extends the ban, to medical tourism enjoyed by those at the highest level, importation of cars, toothpicks and all that we import in the madness that is the one-sided trade with China. This policy beggars belief even if we situate it only to the entertainment industry. This Industry I hear is worth in excess of N3 trillion and the underlying reason for this phenomenal growth is the improved state of production. The quality of the output has continued to endear it to a global audience which in turn is bringing in some very much-needed international flows.
So I think our artistes should be free to seek the production quality and international collaborations anywhere in the world. What we really do not understand is the manning of some of these positions, practitioners or at best people with the ability to understand these things should be put in strategic positions so that we do not continue to be saddled with some of these k-legged policies. Even in simple arithmetic, someone spends say $10,000 to shoot a video in South Africa because that is where they all go to and the video goes viral globally and starts generating hard currency in download, creates employment not only in the entertainment industry but also the telecommunications industry, services, distribution and allied industries not to mention tourism and also boosting the image of the country and you say you want to stop that for whatever reason? What is even wrong with these people sef? Who are their advisers? My lord in case you do not know, Whiz kid has just done a collaboration with Drake and the song was the most popular song globally for some time, winning awards, leading to all sorts of international attention towards Nigeria with many international artists coming here in search of such talent and unique sounds, with endorsements and promotions running wild and millions of dollars generated all on a five-minute song which did not even make sense to me. Dear Sir, please go listen to one of Davido’s hot tunes and listen to the line in which he said , ‘are you done talking’…
Federal Road Safety Corps and its Foray into Nollywood
Let me first confess upfront. I really do not like the FRSC people having been a victim so many times, of their arbitrary tactics especially when it comes to stopping you for minor traffic misdemeanours. In fact, it is because of them I do not drive except on Sundays. Even at that, they can know how to catch me especially by that bridge in Ikeja. It is like part of their training, they have been taught how not to take sorry. In fact, when I see FRSC people standing and I see police on the other side, I quickly surrender to the police who after their initial gra gra will calm down and negotiations will commence. The last time Road Safety people ambushed me at Iponri, they took me to their office where the oga with a very big tummy kept me waiting while devouring a very big bowl of pap and like 24 pieces of bean cakes, the one they call akara. Yes, I counted o, before he decided to listen to my supplication.
The fact that I was receiving news of my father-in-law’s passing when his people caught me using the phone while driving did not move the man at all. I was charged with various offences, given a bill to pay at the bank and the fact that I drove my car myself into the camp did not stop him from charging me for towing van and also a fee to allow the vulcaniser reflate my tyres. You will ask me why all these stories this morning. Well I am trying to gauge the mindset of the driver who was shown in that video that went viral. Immediately I saw the video, from experience I quickly knew what had happened and I totally agree with the explanations of the FRSC on this matter. You see the man like me, would have dreaded going into the FRSC camp where he would have had his car impounded, humiliated, possibly pushed to do some crazy psychiatry tests and knowing full well that ‘these people no dey hear sorry’ would have decided to run away, forgetting that the officer was in the vehicle. So the lady in trying to save herself was seeking to pull the handbrake as they sped off and her colleagues seeing their sister about to be abducted did the next best rational thing by smashing the glasses of the car to rescue their colleague. Yes that is what happened. Now lessons to be learnt: FRSC should show their officers more American movies where they would learn how to chase cars.
They do not smash the windows with a stone (what if there was no stone around) but tail gate the runaway car until the suspect’s fuel finishes. This may not work though because something tells me that it is the corps’ car’s fuel that will finish first. Secondly, male colleagues should be the ones allowed to jump into a suspect’s car while the females would be outside and in a better position to run for help and finally they should also be open to negotiations abeg. No be Nigeria we all dey. The people too dey do sef. As for the driver, next time you should have not filmed it until you are very sure you are in the right, now you have filmed your own prosecution evidence that would be used against you. pele foolish man.
 Aluko and Diezani : A Twosome Gone Bad
Forgive the pun. As I was about to write this piece, the twosome joke entered my big head. These financial lovers have together allegedly raped Nigeria to its knees. You can imagine buying the eighth most expensive apartment in New York from our money and buying a yatch with the asking price of $80m while still splurging some more on Naomi Campbell and other celebrities. All his mummy could do and say was to advise him not to buy but to lease it for two weeks and of course the boy did not listen to his mummy o. He went ahead to buy the boat and ended up exposing them to the U.S authorities who are better prepared to handle such things. This Aluko person should have his head examined with the way he was running around and doing international playboy with our money. These people have mind o, why would they allegedly be moving these kinds of funds and expect not to be caught? How can these people allegedly steal enough money to run the budgets of all states in the northern part of the country only to now use the funds on international prostitutes and satanic acquisitions? This Diezani woman try sha.
Inflation: A Voodoo Report
Let me first state here that I am not an economist o so I will most likely be talking crap on this matter. Once again the Statistician General has come out with a report that has shown that inflation has been tamed and has been going down in five straight months. According to the report, the rate is now 16% but the question I would like to ask the Statistician General is if he has reduced his wife’s chop money by the same rate he is saying inflation is dropping. All these paper progress we have been reporting is becoming frustrating. We are still buying foodstuffs at exorbitant prices, price of fuel which is very key to consumer price index is still at the same rate so how can inflation be going down when we are still buying garri at the same crazy price? I am taking the report with me to Shomolu market to show the women there that inflation has gone down o and as such they should adjust their prices otherwise I would report them to the Statistician General. Await my feedback Nigerians. Let’s get real abeg.
