Aminu Adamu: As a Matter of ‘Fat’
I have tried to ignore this story unsuccessfully. They say this impoverished boy who happens to be a student somewhere and with scabies had the temerity to tweet something. They said, he said, ‘they have chopped our money and have become fat’.
As the story goes, immediately the tweet came out, he found himself under the feet of her royal fatness and since then, reports indicate that he has been remanded. The whole thing is beginning to look like the fabled Humpty Dumpty because all the king’s men and all of the population could not stop this scabies-riddled urchin from going to prison.
For me, I think the boy lacks sense, because if he had sense, he would have said whatever they have said he said, without putting the body shaming part of it. We all know just how sensitive our women can be with body foibles. That must have been a brutal wake up call to our Queen whose ladies in waiting would have been telling her daily that she had the shape of a regal Genevieve Nnaji.
Too many people will suffer for that tweet. In fact, his own is even small. From make-up artist, to tailor, to house girl to Special Assistant Domestic Affairs and to even some state governors and their hypocritical First Ladies who would have been saying, “ohhh mummy, you look eternally slim,” the tweet has collapsed a whole industry, I tell you.
So, as we are begging for the tweep, let’s not also forget in our prayers the others who had built a veritable industry of lying to Madam about her size.
Anyways, me I think the boy deserves what he got. You never say a woman is ‘FAT’. Never. I have received slaps for that, so a stint in prison no matter how brief would go a long way in slapping sense into his malnourished head.
The great lesson in all of this is that, it is only your birth mother you can call fat and still hope to be alive, NEVER call any woman fat, let alone the most powerful of them all. Never.
Una see say na me get sense pass. I have commented on this story in a rounded way, saving myself the real possibility of becoming that boy’s roommate because it is looking like some people who should have played a motherly role in this matter have suddenly developed thin skin. Na wa.
This was nothing. It was just a harmless tweet like the millions that get tweeted daily. He should have been ignored or at best invited and fed and that would have been that. Instead of chasing legacy at this tail end of the most historic ‘regime’ ever, it is this type of draconian thing that we are seeing. Some people don’t get it sha.
Ademola Adeleke: Dancing Prince of Osun
I used to be a big fan but I am beginning to lose interest in all these jumping up and down by the newly-minted Governor of Osun State. The dancing during the campaigns and the various tours of duty through all the Owambe parties from the Lagos Lagoon and throughout the South-west is enough.
Osun people face real and clear issues. It is one of the poorest states in the country which have suffered severe maladministration. Surprisingly, the immediate past governor has announced that he has left about N14 billion in the kitty and this, if true, should serve as a very strong platform to start work.
Mr. Governor, please stop dancing in public. It is becoming irritatingly imbecilic. Let’s get serious and face the very difficult task of governing. I like the fact that you seem to have hit the ground running with the strategic appointments, and the review of recent appointments and decisions of your predecessor, among others.
By the time the euphoria of your emergence is over and reality kicks and the usual disenchantment of Nigerians with governance sets in, you will be looking like an overfed Malaysian cat, if you keep dancing.
So, my brother, it’s ok. Let’s get serious. Thank you.
Babajide Sanwo-Olu: As ‘Blue’ as They Come
My next story on Wike will be me justifying my lampooning of him for weakening the structures that berth PDP. But here I am, going against that grain and heaping praise on this gentleman who represents a party, I really cannot stand.
The other day, I saw a report where he was quoted as saying that developmental work is ongoing despite the electioneering campaign. I believed him and truly the next thing I saw was the inspection of the blue line in Lagos. Governor Sawno-Olu was reported to have said that the project was 90% complete and should be commissioned early 2023.
You see, he makes life kinda difficult for me. I am not APC. I run away from that thing and do not really even want to have anything to do with it. The other day, I saw Duchess with an APC flag and t-shirt all over the place and I refused to enter her room for the usual ‘bend bend’ sleep. For me to refuse the offer that comes ‘once in a decade’ because of APC paraphernalia, then you can imagine what I am talking about.
Sanwo-Olu makes it very difficult for me to continue to ‘hate’ APC. His style continues to intrigue me and his passion for governance remains a watershed in an otherwise weak field.
The day he won his primaries – even though my candidate, the great ‘Wale Oluwo’ was locked out – was quite historic. As he came out of the grounds, he danced to Kizz Daniel’s ‘Buga’ and I was really impressed at his youthfulness and popularity.
From housing, to my space – entertainment – and now to infrastructure, the Bobo has tried and this is why despite my huge misgivings about his Bulla ballu party, he has my vote and full endorsement.
Yes, he has wobbled in some instances like the #EndSARS fiasco, in health- I really do not see anything there and in development of inner cities – if you go to Shomolu, you will cry, he still would record more than 80% in performance if I am to rate him.
Sanwo-Olu, you will need to come over to Shomolu so I can endorse you properly for a second term which would make Shomolu a priority in your second coming. Well-done Your Excellency and whenever you are less busy, let’s do Afang at your very convenience and also at your cost. I no get power abeg.
Nyesom Wike: Why Not Him?
I always love a very powerful argument. It’s like goat meat in my Afang. Some years ago, when I unleashed on Amaechi, his aide called me and we argued about Nigeria for one hour. I love the feeling I get at the end of a session like that. Far better than sex I tell you.
So that was how one Wike person ‘tried’ me last week. The call came in and I took it. “Why are you always so hard on Wike?” he asked. I said, “Oya, let’s go there.”
As I started my justifications, he dropped the call. I call tire, the man no pick. I say which kind mumu be this na.
The next minute, I see text. ‘I am an avid reader and I follow your column but why are you always so hard on Wike?
I replied that he should pick na make we talk. I call, call, call, the man no pick again.
Now I do not know if he is on Wike’s team or if he is the one that used to sing ‘pepper dem’ when Wike is dancing or he is just a bus-stop newspaper reader or even from the Republic of Bulla, wulla, balloo. He should just stop being a coward and pick his phone and let’s debate mbok.
How can you come and tempt me like that and run away. The debate is hungering me, you cannot imagine. I am sure you are reading, “Mr. Runaway Wike defender”. Let me tell you very clearly that I am always very hard on Wike because his activities continue to weaken structures, demean institutions while showing arrant disregard for process and party loyalty.
So you are not happy about certain issues – party appointments to be precise, your recourse as a loyal party man, is to form a group and start pushing for the implosion of the party, among others, offering ‘logistic support’ to other party candidates and daring to be suspended or expelled?
No na, it doesn’t and shouldn’t work that way. This is why I come hard on his bald head. I have fired the shot here now, oya, if you are ready, call again or let’s even do a Zoom on this matter. If I win, I give you Afang, but if you win, I go celibate for a day. One day o, no be me do Wike. Thank you.
Ayiri Emami: BMW, Pajamas and ‘BAT’
You see, there are some people wey you no dey carry play go meet. This gentleman from all I have heard and seen is one of those people. When we were growing up in Shomolu, there was one school field we used to go and play football. Everybody assembled there o, from the ‘ogbologbos, through the omo onile, to the arugbo and the ‘aje butter’.
So, the aje butter will concentrate and be playing football while the other ones will be in one corner doing what they do best. Then all of a sudden, the alagbara will appear and everybody in whatever category will bow in full worship and obedience and he will stroll round the field like a peacock and we will be hailing him and singing various songs.
That was the way I felt when I saw the video of this gentleman as he sang in very clear tones where his loyalty stood in the coming elections. First, he stood by a gleaming BMW -you know that is my favourite car, so that caught my attention.
Wearing something that looked like his pajamas but with the Asiwaju famed insignia of glasses and cap on it, he started walking very slowly and deliberately and saying, “na we dey run this town.”
Me I no argue with am o. He just reminds me of those ‘alagbara’ for Shomolu those days.
He really looked scary o. I was ‘fearing’ in my bedroom as I watched the video. I was now asking myself, if this is the politics I want to go into.
Kai, when I announce my candidacy for the Senate and a person like this announces support for my opponent, I will just resign and run back to my mama house o.
My brother, na with respect I write o. No vex o. Na with big fear I write o. But that video I no go lie scared me o. Put fear in my heart and make me rethink my political career make chicken pox no go catch me for soap box. Kai.
“Na we dey run this town.” Na wa.
Dominic Essien’s Senate Ambition
Dominic is an extremely brilliant young man. He is running on the platform of the Labour Party for the Senate seat in Eket in my state, Akwa Ibom. Dominic is very passionate and a new breeder.
Feelers I am getting is that he is the man to be beaten. He has tried severally in the past without success but if what I am hearing from the ground is anything to go by, then the Nigerian Senate should start getting ready to welcome a tornado.
Dominic is ‘mad’. We grew up in Shomolu together. He lived on Oluwadare Street, while I stayed up ground in Bajulaiye road. While we were still struggling with the girls who hawked bread and akara, Dominic had already been named a Chevening scholar. We didn’t sha know the meaning, all we knew was that Dominic was on his way to the UK.
It is that passion and ‘focus to goal’ that Dominic is using to pursue this his latest ambition. On a weekend retreat at the Obasanjo Library where I had taken about 100 ‘next level’ leaders to spend time with the legendary Statesman, Dominic and I spent hours talking about the debilitating leadership our State was facing.
He spoke ever so strongly about his plans for the state, why he was going into the senate and how he will tackle mainstream structure that will bedevil his path.
Why I am excited about this push, is because of my firm belief in the virility of the National Assembly populated by very credible Nigerians. This is why I think that the National Assembly must be ‘captured’ by very critical and principled Nigerians. The oversight function that a virile National Assembly will bring to the table is just the elixir we need and with people like Dominic and myself – if Ayiri go let me- the National Assembly will be revamped and turned into a powerful tool for development instead of the rehabilitation centre it has become now.
Magnus Onyibe ‘Trumps’ It All
You know how Nigerians used to sha get excited about little things. That was how the lines were busy with the news of Donald Trump’s daughter marrying a Nigerian. Mbok, before the pictures came out, me I was thinking it was one black Yoruba boy complete with Ijesha tribal marks that scored this goal.
My prayer was for a bowlegged Akwa Ibom boy who will tie wrapper for the wedding and serve Afang. But my bet was on a Hausa/Fulani person. You know those ones know how to be strategic and will go and present all of Buhari’s 150 cows as dowry.
I knew it would never be an Igbo boy. Those ones would rather ask for a license to open chemist or Ebeano in Trump’s famous Resort the Mar-A- Lago or whatever it is that he called it.
So, you can imagine my disappointment, when the pictures came out and I saw so many Nigerians dancing ‘buga’ in different traditional attires. Oya wey the lucky boy o, let’s see which tribe conquers.
My people, I shock when I see blond oyibo boy complete with blue eyes. Where is the Naija boy na, I asked? Someone now said, “he is a naturalised Nigerian.”
I shouted, “is this what we are claiming?” This be like those Lebanese wey dem born for Kano who will be saying, I am Nigerian because they can speak Yoruba as a result of selling at Idumota but when the die is cast they are on the next flight to Paris. This no be Naija boy o, this na Brad Pitt dem people.
Anyways, as I looked more at the pictures, I saw my egbon. The great developmental economist. Harvard-trained and one of the most brilliant essayists of our time – the indefatigable Magnus Onyibe.
I call am immediately. Lord, what are you doing there? Are you too related to Donald Trump, make I know o because na for the man time dem cancel my visa oo.
He laughed and offered an explanation. The groom’s father is or was the Chairman of SCOA, one of Nigeria’s leading conglomerates and Magnus has been the Chairman of the Audit Committee for years making him work very closely with the Chairman. Now I understand what Mr. Onyibe was doing at the wedding.
Well, let me wish the ‘Nigerian’ couple a very successful marriage even as I hope that they will come and live with us here. Dem go hear am. Lol.
For Sammie Okposo, We Fall Down
The sad news hit the airwaves last week. The legendary gospel singer had slumped. Shock was the currency all over the country. The news hadn’t sunk in when I suddenly remembered that a friend had told me that he had sighted Sammie with his beautiful wife in a highbrow hospital in Lekki. That the wife was the one running around and he didn’t know who was ill out of the two.
As he told me, both went to see the doctor and when they came out, they didn’t look too happy. He felt the doctor must have delivered some very bad news.
Now one week later, Sammie slumped. Well I have stopped asking for explanations for these things as my brother Cyril once told me, “Edgar, I am shocked that you are praying to God. My son died in my hands and that shook my belief in him…”
My brother, these things more than shake our belief in the Most High but what is the alternative to our firm hold on him. I don’t know o. Sammie was gifted; he was a tornado who held down the gospel genre in a way no other person had ever done.
We will miss him and can only pray that his Maker who needs him more will bless him and give him eternal solace. Sleep well bro.
The Disrespectful Girl in Canada
During the week, one brat who only just recently migrated to Canada released a vile video. She stood in that video with dirty hair and called a whole generation of Nigerians animals and old hags. She claimed to be 18 and had lived in Nigeria for 16 years and as such was ‘still in touch’ with reality on the ground, and as such could speak for a whole generation of Gen Z. Hence her decision to call us the older generation those unimaginable names.
She was so downright rude and abusive that her message was lost in the vitriol. I responded with a 100-word article which immediately went viral. My article reached all the ends of the globe. In my response, I took her on for her huge disrespect for elders. So even if I am an armed robber and adulterer, is it ok for my child to call me an animal like she did?
This girl claimed to represent a whole generation of young Nigerians and I beg to disagree. She stands alone in her disrespect, lack of home training and disregard for our culture and traditions. Her baggage is on her parents or those who have failed in the task of instilling in her very strong virtues.
I dug deeper and went to her page and what I saw didn’t surprise me. She had all sorts of apparitions all over her and in these other videos her vileness and lack of upbringing was very apparent. She is already a lost cause as she was railing on almost everything and anyone that she found as an easy target.
These are the unexpected consequences of this rush to a better living by Nigerians. We are now a country that exports economic refugees and in the same vein, our children are exposed to not only the good sides of those cultures but also the very bad sides of the same cultures they are running to.
So, the ‘animal’ in Canada, no be you I blame, na your parents who have obviously failed in their duties of bringing up a classy lady. If I catch you ehnnn…
