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Loud Whispers With Joseph Edgar

Loud Whispers With Joseph Edgar

Bola Tinubu – Hundeyin! Hundeyin! Hundeyin!

Everybody is afraid to give their advice on this matter. Me, I am not afraid o because I am still in shock with what I have read. You see, I have been hearing this talk about the long write up by this Badagry bobo but never had the time to read it or connect. I think he is just a rabble-rouser and attention seeker so I do not ever take him seriously, hence my reluctance.

Anyways, I had to take my son back to school in Ibadan. That was how I entered train o, thinking that within minutes I will be in Ibadan, eating Amala at the Amala Sky joint and come back to Lagos in time for my sex church service – I hold this service every Sunday on zoom. You know that saying:

“The journey is three hours and three hours come,” meaning that someone going to London will get to London, bathe, do that thing to his wife, me, I am still looking at the rusty roofs and decrepit landscape that your APC has fostered in South-west Nigeria.

Anyways, to kill the boredom, the devil now threw this person’s write up on my phone. As I was reading, I was shouting o. People on the train were asking me what the matter was, I said nothing. I will read again and I will shout o. The things this bobo was saying about Tinubu was bad o. Have you read the write up? If not, Daddy please don’t read o. It can disturb your BP o.

This mad boy took you to the cleaners o. He fearlessly traced your history from Iragbiji down to Bourdillon. This boy, who send him this kain work o? Aghhhhh. He cannot go scot free o. If I were in your shoes, I would sue him o.

After some time, my son tapped me and said I was embarrassing him, that people were looking at us. I said, “come on, shut up, if you know that it is your future that is making me shout you will keep quiet.” ThenI read another one, “ahhhhh” I shouted ooo. By this time, the train people had come to my couch to ask me to calm down or else they would drop me in Abeokuta.

I said, “please don’t vex. This Badagry boy has thrown atomic bomb into the political landscape o.”

 Asiwaju, I did not show anybody o. The thing was too explosive o. Kai, I started asking myself if these things were true o. The boy even put documents from America and that kain thing.

Well, my advice is for us to sue him. Let’s use him to test the sanctity of the judiciary as we move towards the elections. This boy cannot just open his mouth and run like he has diarrhea and go scot free.

Baba, let us sue him. Defamation or is it libel? Whatever it is, let us throw the book at him and if he cannot substantiate all these talks, then he must sweat. We cannot keep quiet o. We must use him to teach other ‘rumour mongers’ a lesson o.

Kai, Hundeyin? Who the hell is he o? Who is his father o, what is his claim to fame? Oya na, I am ready. If you guys are too busy to do it, just give us the green light and let’s sue him at all the magistrate courts in Lagos. This is just too much.

Wale Babalakin: A Quickie at the Airport

I was called in by the very beautiful Dupe Oduwole. Dupe was my classmate at the famous Command Secondary School in Lagos, where her beauty contributed in no small measure to my failure and eventual expulsion from the school. To say that 30 years after she still has that eternal glow is an understatement.

Anyways, she now works for the highly cerebral Mr. Babalakin. “Edgar,” she began on the phone, “Mr. Babalakin will see you on Monday at 12 noon.”

Kai, that voice, she still get am o. I said “yes ma. Thank you so, so much.”

As I walked in, he hailed me – King of Shomolu! I corrected him that the right title is Duke of Shomolu. “Get my title well o,” and he laughed. Nice gentleman. We talked business and after that, the inevitable. I am sure if I had just walked away without bringing Nigeria matter into the equation, he would have thought I had COVID.

I asked him: “Sir, what is the hope?”

He looked at me intently and said, “We have lost the sense of right and wrong.”

Simple. That was it.

He went ahead to say that morality has gone through the window and it cannot come back through any legal machination but may come through a spiritual revival.

I could not help but agree. The system and society at large have died. Nobody has a true sense of justice and fair play anymore. We are all now worse than the Jew who asked for a pound of flesh. Everybody is out to cheat and get undue advantage. Nigeria is in a mess and I am sorry to say this. Even me that I am a forever optimist don almost give up.

As I walked away, his smile and his contentment kept radiating in my mind. Some people have found some form of fulfilment even in this madhouse. I said a little prayer to God to give me that same feeling of fulfilment and contentment so that I will not run and cross express road one day o, like Obesere’s Egungun. Kai.

Rufai Oseni, Man in the Spotlight

Rufai seems to be in the news these days. He is either ‘threatening’ policemen or Lagos State Government officials are threatening to stone him with the law or a governor is yabbing him over his traffic misdemeanor.

Rufai, who just recently lost his dear father, is today becoming a critical voice in our country. His approach to national issues are very cohesive and all embracing. His approach is Nigerian and very far from sectional and this is why I am in love with him.

Rufai is my friend. I first met him at Inspirational FM where I had gone for an interview with the late Dan Forster. He was very fat then but today he is slimmer and if not for his height, he can pass for a Nollywood hunk. The other day, we both had a closed session with former Emir Sanusi and as the conversation was going on, they switched to French. I was looking at these people. “Why are they speaking very fluent French over my head?” I ran away o, you can never say o, they could have been planning to sell me.

Anyways, why I am talking about my short friend today is because of the clip that has been circulating. Rufai was talking about a statement purportedly made by a sitting Igbo governor where that one had said that there was no need for an Igbo presidency.

You see, the way Rufai utilises the platform that ARISE TV gives him is more than commendable. His take on this issue with the big-headed governor’s image in the background was on point. He asked, “does this mean that the Igbos who died fighting against marginalisation during the Civil War, died in vain?” He went on: “The fact that there is a dearth in federally-funded infrastructure projects in the East not enough to push for an Igbo presidency?”

His take on other national issues have always been no nonsense, crisp and clear. With Rufai, what you get is boldness and a very concise approach to issues with no ambiguity and this is why Rufai is my man of the week.

A plate of Afang for you whenever you are ready. Thanks

Abba Kyari: Now I am Really Confused

The federal government has just taken this ‘bandit’ to court with a rap sheet that stretches the whole of Third Mainland Bridge. From what we have seen, it’s looking like the Forbes list was doing the bro a huge disservice by not listing him there. Millions of naira in various banks, hard currencies in those banks, lands, shopping malls, all sorts. The only thing we have not seen is a private jet and I am sure he has ordered, you know that one takes forever to be delivered.

My people, as I am reading this, what comes to my mind is why all of these things that have been in the open are just being actioned. Is it because of the US indictment, or a complex ploy to avoid an extradition? How can a serving policeman have over N200 million in one bank? Even if the yeye bank whose MD is one tall, bald-headed slim person like that cannot do their KYC, all the trigger mechanisms in the system from EFCC to FIRS to LIRS to even guguru defence did not see it?

Let me even go back to the bank. So, a serving policeman is throwing N200 million at you and you are not asking questions? Na wa.

Well, my main confusion is that, with all this plethora of allegations, court cases and indictments, how will they affect the current extradition on the ground? The thing is really confusing me o. Please help.

Police Constabularies vs Okada Riders: A Tale of Untied Wrapper

Two novelties. Policemen going on to protest over nonpayment of salaries and then trying to tie their situation on Okada riders. How Okada riders as a group enter this matter is something their executives will need to call a press conference to explain to us.

But seriously, not paying policemen salaries with the type of work that they do is heinous. They are part of emergency services.  So their welfare and wellbeing must be paramount. Why not owe the National Assembly instead of owing policemen?

I am not sure these sets are given guns to carry but even if they do not carry guns, the fact that they carry the authority of state with their uniforms is enough to drive them to things we cannot even print here.

Daily, I see policemen on the road and my personal social responsibility is to stop and chat and give them money. Some will run away thinking it is a set-up, the bolder ones will engage and thank me.

During #EndSARS, I was stopped by a team of policemen. I allowed them to do their duty when they finished, they asked me to go. I said, take N20,000. They looked at me and I said, “no, please take it. I love the police. I love what you have been set up to do, now the fact that you cannot perform your duties should not be held against you. Please take.” The head of the team started crying. I swear, he started crying. He cried o and his people held him. He lamented, really lamented and after, called his wife to come and he gave her N10,000 saying this is the first money he had given her in months.

My people let us not allow the nefarious activities of Okada riders who are now exploiting the situation to sleep with their wives for N5 to belittle this issue. The blame should be laid on the floor of the federal government whose priorities are never right. It is because of their laxity that Okada people are sleeping with Police wives. Simple. It’s the government that is causing this thing.

Please, I beg the authorities to kindly hurriedly do something about police welfare. It is shameful.

Ice Prince: Cooling off in Jail

Still on the police matter. This one has been accused of abducting and threatening to throw a policeman into a river simply because he was accosted for driving without a licence. It has been reported that he was granted bail but has been remanded in Ikoyi prison pending when he meets the bail conditions.

You see what we are saying. When the policeman’s conditions of service are herculean, why won’t musicians whose sell-by dates have passed not want to treat them like you do with a rotten bag of potatoes?

I swear, the Nigerian policeman is the worst species of policemen globally. Funny enough, you will find some of the most honest and beautiful Nigerians within their ranks. But when you don’t pay them, talkless of paying them well, no insurance cover, no accommodation, nothing what you expect.

They lose dignity and professionalism. They stand by the road to beg for food to survive leading to this kind of altercation.

I don’t really care about Ice Prince or whatever he calls himself. All I care about for now is police reforms. It must involve the private sector in partnership with the government and the Police Service Commission so that it will be effective.

Let’s do this NOW.

Portable: Storm in a Portmanteau

You guys may not know him. I don’t even know him. Never heard of his songs but seem to be intrigued by his activities on social media where he is king. This musician is a stark illiterate, dirty looking and seemingly drug infested.

But somehow, he seems to hold our attention as millions follow him on various social media handles. His illiterate rants have somehow overshadowed whatever talent he is deemed to possess.

The other day, he claimed to have been the founder of the one million gang that has violently been threatening Lagos and Ogun State suburbs. This triggered a Federal Police investigation making him to quickly recant.

His most recent rant is threatening to beat up co-nominees at the recently held Headies music award show. This led to his disqualification only for him not to be able to contain his angst and jealousy at the eventual winner – Goye Menor.

There has been all sorts of abuse and taunts from Portable. He went on air to abuse that one’s father, wondering ‘what in the life of me did he sing’, derided that one’s achievement as if it is his fault that he won.

I find all these very amusing. Very interesting and good content to relax and laugh when I need to cool off from the hardship that is this country. You too try to follow him; he will cure you of stress and High Blood Pressure. I tell you the boy is just a riot.

Crime of Passion: Mbok, What Would You Do?

I have just seen footage from AIT of an Akwa Ibom woman who arranged for her husband to be kidnapped simply because he had stopped sleeping with her and taking care of her children.

With TV microphones and cameras on her face, she begged to speak in her native dialect so that she could better explain herself. They gave her the go ahead and she dropped the clinger. The policeman interviewing her did not believe he heard well. He asked her to repeat what she just said in English and she said, “he no dey f..k me again, that’s why I do am.”

Ohh my God. You see how life can be. Some of us are here begging to do the thing and we are hearing all sorts of excuses o. Headache, you never buy ticket for summer, I get boil, fasting. In fact, Pastor Adeboye is really disturbing my sex life. Every day, na one service or the other. He will just be ordering fasting and prayer without clearing from me or getting my say since I will be adversely affected.

Now, see my brother getting kidnapped because he refused to do the thing. You see life. You see how it is now, different strokes for different folks. Me in Shomolu will have to write memo – Dear Duchess, I may feel like making love next Saturday by 4pm and I promise that I will take my bath and be of good behaviour, come home early, allow you watch your Yoruba movies and buy new tyres for your car the days preceding the said date. I will now submit and wait for a response.

Na him my brother dey get free of charge like this and he turn him eye dey face the Afang or palm wine on the table. Anyways, he has escaped being kidnapped and we thank God he didn’t lose his life in the process.

So the question my brothers is, if you find yourself  in this kind of situation where your wife has arranged for you to be kidnapped because you have failed in your matrimonial duties, what would be your reaction? My phone number is at the top of the page. Oya, send me a text and let’s exchange views. Kai. Life.

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