Kashim Shettima and the ‘Suit’ of the Matter
Lord appeared at the just concluded Nigerian Bar Association Conference in Lagos with a suit and ‘ended’ the conference. His tailor stole the show. The suit looks like what someone would wear to a war-torn area as it could also double as a bomb shelter. To add more colour, he hung a red tie that could also be used to strangle any bandit that wandered close. Then, the sneakers did it for me.
In an attempt to appear trendy, he ‘nack’ the sneaker of life and finished the look by looking bloated and confused on a chair that completely swallowed him.
This appearance completely distracted the nation, turning everybody to fashion police. Not only that, he was massacred on social media. Come and see all sorts of ‘yabis’. To deflect it, garrulous Keyamo came out with a pose attempting a lame taunt – that if it is this fashion faux pas that is the problem with the nation, then let’s go there. But this one immediately threw up an online challenge with Nigerians sending in pictures of them in different comedic forms of the outfit.
I hear that Mr. Shettima gave a brilliant speech at the conference, a speech we have been told captured very lucidly the current state of the nation in a very colourful manner while also capturing the plans his party’s presidential candidate, the ever ‘energetic’ Asiwaju Tinubu was putting in place to save us.
Regrettably, the suit did not let us listen. Nigerians were more interested in what must have been going on in the head of the tailor that made the ‘iconic’ suit. If we check it well, that tailor can be a former PDP member who although now in APC, still has some small love remaining for PDP or how else can we explain that ‘thing, megida wear go stand for Eko Hotel’? Na wa.
Call Neysom Wike’s Bluff
One thing I learnt in investment banking is how to call a bluff. During negotiations, you learn very quickly how to stare very intently into the eyes of the opponent and say, “you know something, I don’t need this deal anymore. The price isn’t working for me.”
You say that, stand up and walk away. Usually the opponent will call you back and say, “What works for you?”
I think what PDP should do to ‘toddler’ Wike is to stand up and say, “You know something, go to hell.”
Truth of the matter is that he got a raw deal during the last primaries in his party. He also even suffered more humiliation when it came to choosing the party’s running mate. But so, what?
Somebody has to win na and somebody has to lose. So must we go into a civil war now that Wike has lost out? Mbok, what is all this noise around Wike na. If it is not because we do not have strong electoral laws on campaign funding, what would be giving Wike this kind of gumption to want to be holding everybody to ransom.
The party is looking at his almost limitless funding capacity which I dare say is the basis of the corruption that we are all talking about. His control of such resources now gives him a status he really does not deserve and as a result, he is walking around like a clay footed colossus causing confusion and the rest.
Please, someone should get him diapers and a pacifier. Someone should play nursery rhymes to him and put him in front of the TV and play him cartoons so he can sleep like the toddler that he is, mbok.
Please, where are the statesmen? Where are the true leaders who still fight for party regardless? Where are the men who stand for vision and mission? Not this Wike o. Not this generation of leaders who are mere ‘anywhere bele face’ leaders.
So, Wike got a raw deal and the whole of Nigeria should come to a standstill? Please he should go and sit down, and all these leaders running around and begging him up and down are as empty as he is.
A sad testimony of leadership. Really sad.
ASUU: The Dragons Dig in
Another group of unintelligent Nigerians are the whole membership of ASUU. The government that is even negotiating with them are of no concern to me, because those ones, we have already lost hope in them and are just waiting till 2023 to see if Jehovah will finally come down and put an end to all the chicanery that is going on.
As for ASUU, I have never seen a group of thickheaded, clueless and shallow people in my life. To think that they are supposed to be ‘eggheads’ really frustrates me. How can you be on the same matter for over 20 years with no result and you are still sitting on the same fence and still shouting, ‘We no go gree?’ Are you reasonable people?
I, Joseph Edgar, can resolve this ASUU matter in less than one week. It’s just pragmatic thinking. All these labour union approaches are just laziness and fear of the emerging markets. The system has moved on and ASUU cannot cope. Their courses and research are now outmoded and totally ineffective in the employment markets; this is why they go and hide under strike to be disturbing Nigerians.
Where do they want the government to get N1 trillion to pay only staff salaries? If the government even tries it, I will tie myself naked on the Abuja International Airport tarmac and make sure no plane flies. Do these people even have sense at all?
They will now be hiding under increased government grants to research, infrastructure and all that crap to hide their bare greed as reasons for this meaningless action.
I am so angry. Even the government, corruption has riddled them that is why they too cannot do the right things. You see that government subvention is what both sides are fighting for. The government side is milking it and the ASUU people are seeing it and are vexing, meanwhile the system, students, parents and the nation are left to suffer.
SELL!!!! SELL!!!! SELL!!! the schools. We will buy it. We will buy and that frees up the government who will now use the money to strengthen regulation at the level of the NUC. Then also set up effective scholarship schemes to cover gifted and indigent children. Simple.
Let every lecturer under a privatised system use their pedigree to attract student registrations, grants and funding, simple. This is how it is done. ASUU knows that, the government knows that but they will not o, because of their laziness. Instead, they will be dancing this macabre dance of ‘stupidity’ everywhere.
As I write, I hear that they are set to announce an indefinite strike. Indefinite strike for what? To achieve what? Look if the government is not ready to end this crap, they should allow me with ASUU and all these will end in one week. I swear. This thing no hard like that na, if there is sincerity on all sides.
I Dare You, Festus Keyamo
I am very sure that in choosing Mr. Keyamo to play whatever role they have asked him to play in this APC campaign, his noise factor must have been taken into very crucial consideration. They must have looked across the pond and seen Dino there and said to themselves, we will need an equal level of irritation and who in our boat can we throw into the mix and Keyamo’s name came up.
Since this appointment, bros have not disappointed. All his posturing and statements have been designed to annoy, irritate and alienate. He comes across as an ‘emporonic’ aide, talking down at the masses who really have no choice but to shout hooray the way the Jews shouted when Pontius Pilate washed his hands off Jesus.
Pontius Keyamo was there and he spoke, he said, “we should even be happy that Emperor Tinubu has come to take away what is even left.”
My people, Pontius Keyamo has said he is ready to drive to Kaduna from Abuja without escort. I dare him and will donate N1 million to any orphanage of his choice if he goes ahead with the trip. Oya try am, las las I will go and borrow the money to pay. Oya Pontius Keyamo, let’s go on the trip. I am ready when you are ready.
Superman Tompolo to the Rescue
You know my mind is versed. When I heard of this matter, my mind went to the very first time I watched a Superman film. It was in my brothers Ejiro and Voke Eghagha’s Victoria Island home. In the movie, someone had stolen an oil tanker and superman flew in and carried the huge oil tanker in his bare hands and returned it to massive applause and got to kiss a girl for his efforts.
Our own superman no dey interested in any girl or applause. Na hard cash. So, they have been stealing crude oil all over the place, hurting the economy and almost rendering the government impotent. The government has run back to this Ijaw Superman without the cape for help. This same person that was declared persona non grata when they first came in 2015, today is the same person that will put on a costume, fly over the creeks to stop all the oil rustling.
It is good o. I really have nothing against it, as long as the end justifies the means. For me, while we are still at it, the Nigerian Navy should be privatised or disbanded and the men and officers should carry their white uniform and go and join the Salvation Army.
It’s as simple as that. The Chief of Naval staff by this contract should turn his pants to skirts, go and learn how to dance ballet cos work no dey again.
Me, I believe that this Tompolo guy will do a better job of policing the system. But there also lies the continuous fruits of the weakening of our institutions. The question I will readily ask, is how will he be regulated, how will he be monitored, who does he report to and very seriously, are we empowering another government within a government?
My fear, make we no run from one matter enter another matter. That is why I am being very cautious in fully endorsing this move until we see the full terms of the contract. But for now, if this is what will provide a short-term solution to this major issue, then let Tompolo reign.
Please, my brother Tompolo, in designing your superhero costume, no go do am with Ijaw wrapper o so that as you dey fly across the creek in service to the nation, breeze no go blow make we dey see your blokoss o. let’s take this for what it is – a patriotic call to service to the motherland and nothing else. Na beg.
Anthony Joshua, Let’s Take a Rest
My brother after being defeated in his latest attempt at regaining his titles, went into a Wike type hissy fit. Flew out of the ring, came back, snatched the microphone and started ranting. Later, he apologised and blamed the cornflakes he ate that morning for his defeat and disgraceful unsportsman-like behaviour after it all.
Look, this thing don do me before. I had just graduated and chased a beautiful, young lass. She was the most beautiful in Shomolu that time and every man wanted her. But here I was, handsome graduate with car. I just parked in front of her house and sent the mallam to call her. She came down feeling proud and privileged. As one of the very few graduates in the area who had a car, she was indeed privileged.
My people, we enter room o. Nothing. Power failure. I say not possible. Me from Akwa Ibom? Power failure? Not possible. I try, nothing. I jump up and start to sweat. I try again, nothing. I shout o. Exactly as Anthony Joshua did that day o. I start to pace up and down the room. I say, it cannot be me. My track record by this time was legendary and just like Joshua, no real defeats so I could not understand this.
The young girl advised me. Jay- that time I was not yet Duke, I was still Jay- I have heard of you. I know you are world class, you are just in a space, why not relax. I am here. I am not running away. Let’s go to the beach or somewhere and try again. I say on one condition, you will not tell a soul until the thing comes back. She said deal.
So, we left it. We dated for a bit and my mind left the matter and when we finally came back, it was world class. I jumped, I moved, I shook, I carried leg, upside down, sideways, knees everything and when I finished, she smiled and said, “yes, that is my champion.”
So, my brother, it’s the same thing. What is doing you is desperation to come back on time. You are a champion like me. You are the king and cannot believe what is happening which is worsening your matter. Please take a break, we will wait for you. Come to Nigeria, relax. Go to Uyo, eat Afang, swim in our stream. Come to Lagos, go to Bariga and sit down with the Chief Priest of Igbo Igunnu. Climb Olumo Rock. Remove your mind. By the time you come back, you will finish everybody that comes your way.
My brother, it happened to me and that is what I did. Relax, you will come back. If you don’t listen to me, they will just be beating you anyhow. If you are not careful, by the time they finish beating you, you will see your mummy and you will think it’s Buhari with the toothpick. I have said my own as a brother.
Usman Immanah: Banker Turned Sex Tea Vendor
One thing I have learnt in this world is the hypocrisy of fear. A lot of people suffer from this ailment of erectile dysfunction which is almost inevitable as a result of age and its concomitant ailments.
As you get older, your firing ability begins to diminish just as your crave for young girls increases. Very frustrating abi? You now have the capacity, the boldness and the confidence to attract very beautiful and nubile queens with perky breasts and all but where it matters most you begin to look like a limb vegetable.
Well, my brother Usman Imannah who used to be a banker and is now one of the most thoroughbred young entrepreneurs has come up with a solution. Usman distributes locally-made, NAFDAC approved solutions for not only power failure but other such ailments like BP and the rest.
Now this is not me advertising his products o. Far from it, but this is me trying to achieve two things – his perseverance and the exposé of solutions to a problem that is affecting millions.
Usman left his lucrative bank job to go into the dreary waters of manufacturing. Usman has suffered. No infrastructure, wicked operating environment, distribution challenges, lack of institutional support but in all, he is still standing. He has expanded his product base, opened a new factory, created jobs all still in his early years.
I respect him for his adroitness. His perseverance and his firm belief in Nigeria. He will not ‘japa’ but will stay here and make things happen. He is building people, providing solutions and making us proud as a fellow Nigerian.
So, my people, I am supporting him in every way possible. I am asking people to buy his products; I am helping him source funding and I am shouting his praises so he will not give up no matter how much Nigeria happens to him and his business.
We will not all japa, some of us will stay at least until we can get the sex tea in Canada. Till then, we are located very close to Usman’s factory for obvious reasons. Na here we dey o.
