Loud Whispers With Joseph Edgar

Justice Tanko Muhammad: No Water to Bathe?

My people, during the week, it was gathered that 14 Supreme Court Justices wrote to the Chief Justice of the Nigeria (CJN), Justice Tanko Muhammad. The letter was historic because Lord Lugard’s wife, after a satisfying time in the other room, gave us our name as Nigeria has this kind of thing happen.

The justices said they are living like we live in Shomolu. No power, no water to bathe and they are even driving tokunbo cars which will be overheating. They said they have never had it so bad. Even my egbon, Dr Abati follow put mouth. So, you can see that some of these highly respected justices will not be bathing and go and sit down and be passing landmark judgments.

Some will be dry-cleaning sef. You know dry-cleaning is when you soak water in a handkerchief and wash your face and legs and armpits, when water no dey.

So, as I am writing, the CJN has responded. Through his aide, he just slammed the whole thing. Two of you have died and the money we paid was not budgeted, he countered. What else can we say but that you people should be regulating how you die o. Have a timetable or something so that it will be easy to plan for. So that we do not spend money that has not been budgeted.

Well, he also added that the Supreme Court is also not existing outside its immediate environment. That a budget that was cut at N300 per liter for diesel is now selling at N700 per litre. Do you people want the CJN to go and be driving a tanker so that you can be happy?

Me, I don’t like people who will just sit down and be writing letters to embarrass people I like. Can’t they see that he has even repaired the roof of the courts? Is it his fault that just like that they appointed eight new justices, where do you people want him to see money to build new chambers for this Buhari economy?

My thinking is that as my oga once advised me, that you cannot have one source of income. If this Supreme Court thing is not delivering the dividends, I think you guys should start looking at side hustle and leave my brother Tanko alone.

You can start appearing in musical videos or even turn to football commentary or anything abeg. This thing you are all complaining about is small compared to what we are facing generally so make una let us rest abeg or even migrate to Canada sef. (Every time Bubu travels, me I dey fear say himself don migrate, with the way everybody is running away).

Brother Tanko is trying. He cannot kill himself because he is now CJN at this time when things are just going awry in this country. God bless our judges but much more importantly God bless the ordinary Nigerian.

In Bed with Muhammadu Sanusi

Please, it is not that kind of bed o.  In this context it means, in agreement with his thoughts. But first let me thank my new friend, Babangida Sule Jnr, who made this meeting very possible and my big aunty, Fatima Wali- Abdurrahman and my egbon, Kola Karim, who have helped me get very close to His Highness.

You see my people, I am a huge fan o, up to the point of obsession. When His Highness is discussing the economy, Nigeria or his philosophy of life, I will just be looking like a teenage girl watching Michael Jackson dance on stage. Yes, that is electrifying.

That was how Sule called me early on Sunday morning, where are you, Duke? Can you get here in 15 minutes? His Highness wants to see you. I was in Magodo and about to do something – cough, cough. I jumped down, wore clothes and amid protests of Duke naaaaaa, come and finish – I ran to Ikoyi overtaking all the LASTMA on the road.

His Highness is a very handsome man o. He sat in a regal fashion and spoke very deliberately. The man is sound, kai. Not all these ‘guguru’ people who will be talking on television. His position on the economy remains the same, his position on corruption and its debilitating effects on the polity remains the same but it’s his philosophy about life that really caught me.

“Edgar, I sacked myself from any position, the next day I was appointed.” Wow! Wow!!  “Edgar, I do not define myself by the position. I am Sanusi Lamido Sanusi and not the CBN Governor.” Ohhhhh My God! This is very far from the “do you know who I am” we hear from Lilliputians who by chance get some local government appointments.

His Highness represents a long line starting from about 200 years and he will carry himself with the dignity and royalty his birth requires. As he spoke, I was just sitting there listening and learning like a sponge.

Nigeria never understands its brilliant outliers. Nigeria always cuddles the ‘emi lo kans’ and chews and spits out the brilliance of the type of Khalifa but this particular child of the Niger has refused to be cowed as he still maintains his respect internationally and is still followed massively by hordes of Nigerians.

As he bade me farewell, I felt like hugging him but I for turn to a pillar of salt, because I am not sure you can hug him – this no be Obi Cubana. So, I bade him farewell and rushed back to Magodo to see if I could finish where I left off. Mbok see what they told me – go back and meet Emir, let him sort you out. – sharrap. Some people are not just children of history.

Shina Peller – A Child of Circumstances

Shina is my brother. Some of you will be wondering from where and how? An Akwa Ibom man and a man from Oyo? But he is my brother with a long-standing history between us. I used to go watch him play football in Lekki and was afraid that with his skinny legs, some hungry urchin would break the leg and the man would be unable to come and discuss our business o.

Anyways, he has just announced on the floor of the House of Representatives that he will be cross carpeting to the Accord Party after losing out at the senatorial primaries. Now I do not really know what to make out of this but to say, ‘Bro, I got you’.

Shina in my estimation has performed creditably well. His positions, his bills and his frontal take on the leadership of the House have all been very admirable. His bill on the guguru defence was landmark. Although it didn’t see the light of day, it still threw light on the duplications in the system that form a conduit for revenue drainage.

I really do wish my brother well with his exploits in the Accord Party. I am sure he knows in this era of ‘emi lo kan’ politics in that area, he would be facing a real uphill task. But if it is the Shina I know, he will fight this thing to the end.

God be with you, my brother.

Enough is Enough, Rev. Father Mbaka

Me don tire for this Baba. His own is just too much. His mercantilist approach to Catholicism is riling and I dare say irritating. Why the church in which he claims to belong to has not reeled him in still beats me.

Anybody that does not come to his altar, he will see vision or abuse. Na so he do Jonathan, do Buhari now he don do the obedient one. ‘Warrist’ Mr. Father? Are you the only Father in this land?

Thankfully, you have shamefully sent in an apology. But don’t you ever think before you do these things? This song is very boring to the point that people are now resisting your prophecies and calling them what they really are – follies of a roadside preacher.

Abeg don’t come and see any vision for me o, na umbrella I go use push am back to sender. As if we do not have enough problems in this country, you will now come and be adding your own with all these misguided pronouncements. Mr. Obi has shown a very strong resolve in repelling you, winning our admiration.

That was how your colleague said, he was seeing bloodshed in Soludo’s house. How can na? Please can’t we even regulate and punish all these kinds of prophets of doom.

That was how one came to me the other day, that I will die before December 31 of that year. Me? Have I finished my mandate with ‘yellow’ women in this life? I just go Shomolu Police Station, arrest am. From behind the counter, he was crying and begging for forgiveness. Mumu.

Please Fr. Mbaka, allow us to rest in this country. The thing Buhari has carried our eyes to see the last seven years is enough, don’t come and add your own abeg. Thank you.

Akan Udofia: Easy Like Sunday Morning

Mbok ayeneka, ku yard esit. That is in Ibibio – my brother no vex. It was his birthday tolast week and in my wahala I forgot to wish him well.

Akan has brought in the needed colour and vigour into the Akwa Ibom Political space. He has blurred party lines and finally made our people see things more clearly instead of the jaundiced ways we have been seeing it as a monolithic party state.

Today, Akan is the issue in Akwa Ibom. Akan’s name and colouration is the vending tool for all frontline thinkers in the state. One of the largest employers of labour and certainly the biggest philanthropist, Akan is preaching the gospel of prosperity. He is talking about democratising wealth and streamlining it such that every freeborn Akwa Ibomite will be an active participant in the wealth creation and redistribution process.

My brother, I wish you a happy birthday and God’s blessing as you move towards your predestined and appointed position as the next Executive Governor of our state.

Postscript –  people ask me why I love Akan so much? Well, the truth… Na the Afang gave me for him house for Ikoyi. The stockfish and periwinkle in that Afang were magic. Then they used small ‘abu’ that is crayfish and the fufu was as smooth as a newborn baby’s bum. Since then, I became a slave of Akan Udofia o. Oya I don reveal secret, you people start yabbing me. I got no shame.

Scott Tommey. An Ibibio Man in Dubai

When I first heard about him, I thought he was Scottish. It was my brother Raymond Abia that first mentioned his name and then I started seeing him in the papers. I took some time to meet up with him though. It was the recklessly handsome Otunba Morakinyo who took me to his office in Abuja and we had a long meeting.

This was a real-life Ibibio man and not Scottish o. I sat there and stared at him. Nothing came out of the meeting and I promptly forgot about him. When I was doing my play in Uyo, they said, Scott is your man. I called him and he took my calls and I explained my mission and he promptly forgot to take my calls again until Akan commandeered him and he performed.

That was how Akan invited me to dinner in Dubai. I was passing through on my way to the UK, to meet up with my beautiful daughter, Chantal.

That was how I met up with Akan and Scott in a very beautiful and elegant restaurant downtown Dubai. My brother, when I look the menu, I just dey see things I no recognise. So, I turned to Scott who was also looking as confused as I was. Are you minding Akan? That one had already made his order and speaking in French was already eating.

I said my brother Scott, abiet mo nyienge Afang mi o- meaning – looks like they don’t have afang o. Scott said, na so we see am o. I asked “what do we do?’’ He replied “let’s manage na, Afterall no be only Afang we go dey chop na.”

“Scott, what if I start to purge,” I asked to which he replied, “Well na so he dey do me. We go just chop am and go purge. After all, flight na till tomorrow.

That was how me and Scott went through the suffering of eating raw scorpion and lizard testicles with a straight face to make the other people no laugh us. After all, we were dining with incoming customers.

Scott is a very loyal and proud Akwa Ibom man. His vision for the state aligns with that of Akan and also that of the generality of the Youth of Akwa Ibom. Scott is a serious business man who believes that our state, Akwa Ibom as presently configured is under performing. He wants to be part of a new engine of growth, attract international businesses, to invest, create jobs and empower the people.

These are the types of men we need and this is why we are supporting them. Men, who have built tremendous wealth without leeching or relying on the state government. Men who have gone out there despite the fact that they belong to a minority tribe, fought to sit on the table reserved for the Emi lo kan’s of our country.

Akan and Scott have come to Akwa Ibom to ask what the state wants from them and not what the state will give them. We have the answers bro, our state needs a major economic renaissance. Do it.

Burna Boy, Grow up Urgently

As these things go, you will be regaled with so many sides to one story and that is why I will not bother to ask who did what or who did not do what. The thing there is that this artist with the stature he has garnered internationally should never be embroiled in this kind of clannish and shameful episode.

His name should never be dragged into this kind of mess, where lives were at risk simply because someone was horny. This is classic shame and should never be condoned.

I am happy that the authorities have waded in and I do really hope that an objective and incisive investigation is carried out with the culprits dealt with.

As for the gun happy policemen who could shoot in a crowded club, all I can say is shame to them and to their employers. To the club who could allow such to happen, I say I wish you well. Na wa.

The biggest loser here is big headed Burna Boy and I hope this case will not be the case of cloth a pig, bath a pig, a pig is still a pig as my colleague in the political science department of the famed University of Ibadan will say, anytime he is bullied. Spoilt.

Chidi Ajaere, Happy Birthday Bro’

If you do not know this guy, this is the young brain behind the giant GIG Group. He is Chidi Ajaere and he is my friend and brother. Chidi has over 4,000 Nigerians under his direct employ and he has taken the logistics business with his GIG Logistics by storm giving well established conglomerates a run for their money.

Hospitality, media, logistics, software, distribution and real estate are his forte and he has done so well for himself as a young Nigerian who is not only visionary but hardworking and transparent.

His work in inspiring youths through concise engagements, empowerment and inspiration has been well documented and he remains a young lad we should all look out for in the coming years.

Happy birthday my brother- a strong salutation from the Duke of Shomolu.  

Ned Nwoko: ‘Come Watch Film’

This bro recently made a statement that made the internet burst into laughter. He is reported to have said that Obi is not ready for the presidency and that he had no structure. Something along those lines and also that the Igbos were not ready for the presidency.

You know he lives his life on the internet and his people took him to the cleaners. One particular irate contributor said “when it comes to ‘babes’ we will consult you sir, for this one leave am.”

The comments were virulent and vicious. His statement reeks of a major disconnect with the streets and with popular agitation. A swim against the tide type thing and he was rightly taken to the cleaners.

I will not say much especially as we are entering school fees season before daddy will carry police and court pursue me. I hear he has a knack for such double whammy moves at the slightest provocation.

When I finish paying school fees and school resumes in September, make him make that kind statement then I will say my real mind. For now, let’s just leave it for the internet trolls to feed off his faux pax. We should all be OBidient ooo.

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