Anambra: Hold Thy Peace
The federal government has threatened to place a state of emergency on this state if the situation does not de-escalate. My people, things that are happening there are getting scarier by the day. Murder, looting, kidnapping, arson and all what not. The PDP has come out to play politics with the situation.
They have countered that the federal government would be playing to the books if they go ahead with this threat. According to them, this may be giving the APC candidate an undue advantage. They may have a point, but am I in the mood to listen to this crap? NO.
Did you see the slowly dying body of Dr. Chike Akunyili on the floor? Did you see the fire ravaging my brother, Joe Igbokwe’s house? I even hear that Dr. Chu Okongwu’s house was also razed to the ground.
The state is now a no-go area. What will carry me go there, I never see o. It is looking like as we are getting closer to the elections, the situation will ramp up. This is so scary, I really feel for the state, its citizens and those who have lost loved ones and property. It cannot be easy.
I am of the very strong opinion that if the situation does not de-escalate, then the government should go ahead and do what it has to do to secure lives and property in the state and indeed in the whole country.
It is not only Anambra o. The whole country is in a cauldron of fire. What is going on?
UNKNOWN GUNMEN: FERVENT PLEA
Let me just kneel down and beg una. Whoever or whatever you represent, just calm down and rethink this strategy. Whatever must have annoyed you or provoked this action kindly rethink abeg and let’s look for other means to settle whatever it is that we are fighting over.
The tears are just flowing from our mothers, our children and our people. The bloodletting, the mayhem is becoming so unbearable. This is the highest level of violence in the East in peace time Nigeria.
Can’t we even sit down over bottles as brothers to discuss in a bid to find solutions to whatever the problem is. Violence will never resolve anything. Didn’t we all support Enugu Rangers, didn’t we all read Things Fall Apart? Isn’t it this state that has given us so many historic figures and intellectuals? Isn’t it this state that has given us the famous Onitsha Market, the city of billionaires- Nnewi and the greatest burial of all time the Obi Cubano? Is this not the state that gave us Bianca Ojukwu?
Can the fire please STOP?
BOLA TINUBU: SEE YOU SOON, MR PRESIDENT
You know Nigerians na, this clip has been making the rounds going viral and up staging all the videos that have come out of this never-ending visits.
By now if you didn’t know that Lord Tinubu has been in the UK recuperating from surgery then you really have been under a huge rock in Anambra State. Everybody has gone to say ‘sorry’. Only OBJ has not gone but the way things are going, he too may soon land the place.
Any which way, this particular visit from a Northern delegation, as the ‘Jagaban’ was making his way into the car, we heard the quip that has captured the imagination of the Nation – see you soon Mr President.
That statement alone has attracted more watchers than the President’s Independence Day speech. The only clip that has upstaged it so far is the one from the just ended Big Brother Nigeria where we were all watching a married woman do things under the sheet on live TV. A married woman o- me I watch it like 600 times in a bid to ask myself what exactly was going on there.
So why is this particular video so critical, why has a quip from a man who most likely was only just showing appreciation for the wonderful hospitality he had just received. You know how people used to just get carried away from good food – me I don’t know o
We just like to worry ourselves over things. A man was given the kind of food and drink he has never eaten in his life and he reacts by effusively thanking his host and we are now convening a national conference to analyse the statement. We get time sha.
TOLU OGUNLESI: A WOBBLY PERFORMANCE
First, what were you wearing on international tv. Was something the matter with you? How can you wear a rain coat and go and do an interview on CNN? I just dey look you o. Then they asked a question and your mouth started shaking and wobbling like you suddenly found out that your madam finally cracked the password on your phone.
You see this ‘omoshe’ work some of us gleefully jump at can be funny o. So there you are on international tv speaking on behalf of a government on an issue of immense international importance.
You sef know that you lack the authority, but they have pushed you on the platform. As the question come, you are remembering that you are well and surely low on the food chain, a lightweight that can easily be thrown under the bus. So, you start to fear, you start to shake and your answers start coming out the way mine did when the Duchess caught me inside Bariga with a beautiful one.
You know for a fact that even a wrong fart from you and you are toast. So, in response to the question, you start to dribble- ehmmm, deennnn, I mean, hmmmmm, dem say, I will come’ mbok laugh nearly kill me.
Why you didn’t tell them that you are purging or that you are waiting for your Covid result to dodge just weak me. That was the worst performance by a grasshopper masking as government official that I have seen since I started paying for cable subscription. Bro go drink Kunu and rest.
BABAJIDE SANWO-OLU: JUST TICKS MY BOXES
The signing into law of the bill banning the police from parading suspects anywhere in Lagos just ticks my boxes. There used to be a TV programme called Crime Fighters where they will be parading suspects and subjecting them to all sort of questioning without their lawyers present and those ones will now be talking anyhow and indicting themselves.
I used to sha wonder how right-thinking people could allow this. Everybody, even the worse mass murderer is entitled to legal representation and if I want to push it self-preservation.
Parading suspects just so pushes the boundaries of the rights of these suspects. It colours the perception of the public and if you ask me, it’s just a PR stunt for the authorities to show that they are working and nothing else.
The EFCC own na baba. Those ones will hang a board on your neck with your crime and your details boldly written and push it out along with the media.
These scare you for life and can be so wrong especially if at the end of the day you come out innocent.
So, this law is a right one and very timely too, let’s just hope the implementation and enforcement would be above par. Right step.
Meanwhile, I have a powerful gift for you, Your Excellency from AWO. I have asked your man Bonu Solomon to come and collect o, he dey delay o. I will sell it o.
SENATOR EFFIONG BOB: GOOD EVENING, UNCLE
You know I am from Akwa Ibom State and I am very proud of that fact. The fact that I was born in Shomolu and have lived all of my 52 years in Lagos does not make me forget my roots. In fact, I am bi-racial or half caste for those of you wey no expose.
Anyways, in Akwa Ibom we have some very brilliant and astute individuals and this gentleman comes to mind. Prior to meeting with him, I used to hear about him from afar. My friend and brother, Otabi use to talk a lot about him, he will say, ‘Senator Effiong Bob, nmo ekanma Akwa Ibom’ meaning say na dem hold Akwa Ibom and then I really got interested in him when I later found out that he was married to Comfort my sister and ex-classmate, astute business woman and owner of Comfort FM in Uyo.
So, during the run up to my last Play- Ibiom, he invited me over for drinks and talks. I went o. Comfort had conveniently dodged so that she will not give me Afang to eat but no problem you can run and cannot hide.
That is how we went into a very deep and powerful conversation. My people, I drank so much from his depth and clear understanding of this our Nigeria that I did not want to go home that night o.
I love these stories. The back stories, the intrigues and the interpretation of power flows that only erudite insiders can throw up. I will just sit down there like a good lap dog and be listening.
I so look forward to another session with Uncle this December during my next play, Ufok Ibaan, in Uyo. He has already shown strong support and in my gratitude, I also beg and appeal for another opportunity to seat and discuss the nation.
UDEME UFOT: MY FRIEND UDEME, IS A GREAT MAN
Please let me steal this line from that great advert because truly speaking my friend Udeme is a great man.
That is how I got invited to his house in a very sweet part of Uyo and between a very delightful mix of good wine and well-cooked goat meat, we talked about almost everything for over two hours.
He was such a delightful host; he even apologised for not being able to serve me Afang which I quickly forgave him.
This was me finally seated in front of one of the most iconic men out of Akwa Ibom. He has done so much in marketing communications, public policy, and impact that I feel like setting up an Akwa Ibom Nobel prize solely for him. As president of the LBS Alumni, his tenure witnessed so much progress and as the co-visioner of the huge SO&U you will agree with me that he has forcefully taken a driver’s seat in that space too.
So, there I was just back from an eye-opening visit to the women’s war memorial in Ikot Abasi, in front of a relaxed Udeme and discussing as usual my favorite topics – leadership, business, impact and sex.
I left out the sex part before the bobo kick me out before I finish the 12 deliciously made goat meat they had put in front of me.
Udeme was so knowledgeable that I barely spoke. I like to listen whenever I come in contact with giants. You can ask Prof Adesegun, Akin Olugbade or my Egbon Aig Imoukhuede. When I met those ones, I just keep quiet make dem talk.
He took me through the formation of SO&U thereby showing me the radical trajectory the industry took with that formation, challenges of the industry with the proliferation of professional bodies, the market space and new innovations.
Our talks went into leadership, its characteristics and its uses for the greater good. By this time my brother Eteka who had finished all the goat meat on his plate was getting jittery. Him no be great man so all these great men talk was boring him, the man needed to watch premiership. I ignore him and sat and learnt.
This is the secret of my wisdom. I look out for people like Udeme and get them to talk to me. So, if I have not asked to come pay you a visit, go check your DNA or see if you be APC member. Kai, I don run o.
JUSTICE EYO ITA: SUNSET AT DAWN
This week, I am in my copycat mode. I don first thief the Guinness advert on my write up on Udeme, I have now come and thief from Prof Wole Soyinka this title. But did he say it like this, Sunset at dawn or something else, but wetin concern me.
Justice Ita has just retired from the bench. The former acting Judge of Cross River State was recently retired from the bench after hitting the constitutionally-approved 65 years.
You will say, Duke, what is your problem with this one again.
Well, let me say this that I know the distinguished Judge by proxy. I am a friend of his beautiful daughter, Oten. Not that kind of friendship o before you guys make the judge to come out of retirement to dock me.
She is what I want to call a mentee. She invited me to a food tasting that she and her sister Assi Archibong were organising. Apparently, she got my number from Usman- my brother the one who is doing the Friska Sex tea that is capturing the imagination of men above 50.
Well anyways, I could not make it so I called Oten to say sorry and from there talk started. She is so well brought up that I took up interests. During long talks and chats I found out a lot about her father. His love for books, his advice and his admonishments. I became enamoured.
I googled him and started reading up everything about him and found out that he was still amongst the very few that remained. His positions on issues, his judgments and his general outlook towards leadership and nation building continue to attract me.
So, when I saw the news that he was being pulled out, I had to just do this piece to say well-done and thank you for such a novel career.
I look forward to meeting with you sir and it must be in Calabar o so that I can finally get to eat Asi’s afang over bowls of freshly made palm wine and you can now tell me about your three-month tenure as acting judge and what you really really think about Your Governor. Trust me I won’t tell a soul, I can keep a secret. Happy retirement sir.
GBEMI SHASORE: A GIFT TO THE BOOK World
Let me put this into proper context. When I released my book, Loudwhispers, which is a compilation of all these write ups in this column, I took 20 copies each to three book shops. My people, three years after the books, still dey those shelves complete. Nigerians don’t have that time.
Meanwhile, I had bullied and cajoled and blackmailed my friends and they all bought the remaining 800 copies.
Some of them use am do Corporate Gift, others like Ken Etete use am do Laptop stand on their tables and the rest just leave am for different places in their homes. I have seen my book in at least five toilets in this Lagos.
But not a problem as long as they have paid me. So, when I did my new book – Anonymous Nipples a very powerful book on sex- my big policeman friend has bought 10 copies so far don’t ask me what he is using it for o.
I did not bother to give any bookshop; I just sell my thing myself. Today, I have done about 900 copies with the same style of blackmail. This one is easy, I will just call you and say if you don’t buy, I will text your password to madam, the next thing you will hear is ‘Edgar send 10 copies’.
So Nigerians don’t read, don’t buy books and could not be interested. So, when my sister decide to be dealing in books I look am with dismay. She is still standing; she is still pushing and has run the very important Quramo Book festival for five years. I weak o.
She even gives out a N1million prize for the best manuscript chosen by a distinguished panel. This time the panel was headed by my brother Jude Idada who remains one of the most influential theatre directors that I have worked with.
That is how I was asked by my sister to come and give a goodwill message. Me, wey I like to pose, I grab the opportunity. Dust up my N100,000 slippers that my brother Chike give me for my birthday two years ago, I climb stage and look at all the beautiful girls in the audience and proclaim that ‘you are looking at the Duke of Shomolu.’
This year’s Festival was brilliant. Femi Odugbemi of Tinsel came, Bikiya Graham Douglas came and my Egbon Toye of Platinum Capital broke the floor with a powerful pragmatic speech.
My Egbon erudite Olasupo Shasore was there not only to support his elegant madam but also previewed his soon to be released documentary on the lost something sha.
Me, I went twice and for me to do that ‘emean’ that the thing catch me. Well-done madam and the team at Quramo. Brilliant outing.
NONNY UGBOMA: A BRILLIANT BUTTERFLY
I sha like to celebrate geniuses and they don’t come more beautiful than svelte Nonny Ugboma who until very recently was the Executive Secretary at the MTN Foundation.
Today, she has just commenced her doctoral degree in Innovation and Public Policy from the University College in London. This is immediately after finishing a Master’s degree from the same school with distinction.
At The Alvin Reports’ last discussion on Forex, she changed the course of the discussions with her concept of PUBLIC VALUE. That concept is novel and I believe should drive discussions going forward and seep into policy formulation.
Here is wishing Nonny the very best of times on this programme. Good luck and God bless.
Ex-Emir Sanusi: Be Still for a While
Mbok anybody that is close to this oga, should please tell him to calm down a bit o. I have just seen a very powerful script from Professor Ahmed Yerima titled: ‘Sanusi’. Remember Prof wrote and directed the phenomenal Aremu and he has dropped another very powerful script on my lap just now.
Sanusi is a beautiful story. It takes the whole engagement from the thought processes of two Dogaris who served ex-Emir Sanusi’s grandfather and also served him. They tried to plot the drama on that one’s dethronement and also the dethronement of this one and in the process the whole intrigues, the power play, the culture and the norms of the Fulani are beautifully expounded.
That I love this story is an understatement. I can see the colour on the stage, the dances, the intrigues and for the first time in Nigerian theatre we will see a mini-durbar on stage.
My plan is to put this play in Lagos and Abuja at the same time another first. I can see a 200-man cast in both cities, two director’s massive media push and a strong desire to open up the Fulani culture in a way that would lead to a better understanding and hopefully peaceful co-existence.
Now the wahala; how will I find the money, if baba keep talking all these talks that he is talking? I know the things he is saying are fitting and very engaging at this time. I remain a huge fan, but make he calm down until I find the money if not people go dey fear to support the play o and I no go fit pay school fees.
So Lord Ex- Emir just calm down small. I need only three months if you don’t grant any interview for three months, you will not die na. Mbok, make this sacrifice and let’s do this thing o. If not, I will just vex and throw away the script I cannot come and kill myself o. Thank you
