SHEIKH GUMI – DEODORISING BANDITS

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AHMAD GUMI

Our world-renowned scholar has given us a word of advice that we should not call bandits criminals again o. Me I support abi what else can we do in this situation? This thing reminds me of the time I wanted to beat my mother’s house girl, Kokoma. She was always so stubborn and did not respect me as the firstborn and heir to the throne. So I will be warning her, “Kokoma, I will beat you o,” and she will say, “I dare you.” “Look, this girl, I will just kick you back into your dense forest that you call village.” She will say 30 of my type cannot try it. That is how we will be sparing. So, one day, I let out a volley of blows. I circulated her and delivered punches on her head with the accuracy of a Nigerian Air Force bomb in Sambisa. Then I started dancing around. This was the time Mohammed Ali had just beaten George Foreman, so I had the moves. I danced like a butterfly and stung like a bee. My prey was messed up.

She crouched and was holding her head, and I stood above her and shouted to the world, “I am king. I am your lord. I have conquered you.” The next minute I felt it. My testicles were on fire. Kokoma had grabbed them and was squeezing with all the power in her hands. I felt the kind of pain I had not felt to date. She squeezed, I could not talk again. My Adam apple disappeared, my male member shrunk and disappeared, and I started crying. Shomolu came out. My mother was at work. Everybody begged her, but she said no.

By this time, I had started hallucinating, and the people said, “Beg am. No be una house girl?” Others said, “How you go beg house girl?” Another person said, “If you no beg am you go die.” So as a man, I looked into her lovely eyes and said, “Adiagha!” Adiagha in Ibibio is ‘first daughter.’ “Please, don be annoyed, leave my balls.” She said no. People said beg her well. I bent down with her hand still squeezing my balls and said, “Adiagha, I am very sorry. You have been so kind to me, and I should never have beaten you. Please, forgive me, my pretty damsel. Your eyes are so beautiful that you always entice me.”
The mumu start to smile, and I continue – “Sweet, no vex. I swear I will never in my life lay a finger on you again. You will be my dear sister, and I will love you.”

She now released my balls, and I ran into the toilet to inspect the damage. Na the thing wey Gumi say make we do be that because these ones don hold our balls o. But na Buhari go call them those beautiful names, na him balls dem they squeeze. My balls dey with me for this Shomolu, and I dey use am daily for wetin they are meant for. Na Buhari balls dem dey squeeze because na him legacy dem dey destroy. So, Mr. Gumi, redirect your advice: let Buhari go and perfume dem. We are too bloodied and wounded to even have that strength. Thank you, sir.