Of Love and Life: When Love Is Poison


COUNTERPOINT By Femi Akintunde-Johnson

Sometimes, you just don’t feel like talking to anyone – including your loved ones. Some wives don’t understand such “insensitivity” and can disrupt your already ‘defragmented’ attitude. That was the reason I couldn’t write my conclusion as I should. I just couldn’t be bothered, that’s a confession. Now, this is the point to say sorry… I’m not one of the supporters of my big uncle, Mr. Wale Adenuga, about men’s stress in saying sorry – well, some other time for that topic. I’ll watch my “aggro” next time so that it doesn’t affect my job. People like to advise that you don’t carry your worry on your face or head. I have also given out such ‘wisdom’! Until you jam a big trouble; trying out your own recipe will be a great task. Only God can keep your face serene when your insides are churning like a tipper’s tyre out of control.

Well, to end my last bit on Thomas and Yetty; the major problem is for Tom (he represents all men who are married and want a long-lasting family cordiality) to act like a real man. Real men don’t allow their wives to grow grey hairs because they (the men) want to impress some folks out there so they can be regarded as “good-natured”, “kindhearted” and “nice” men. Nice my foot!

The problem with some men is they hardly see when the young girl they are trying to mentor stroll from being mentored to a tormentor; or when the beneficiary of your “kindness” becomes an adversary. Strangely, when the aroma starts drifting, our usually sharp brain goes into “reverse gear”! The consequences of such crazy emotions are subtle, silent, and deep-rooted. That is why sometimes, “love portion” becomes “love poison”. And current wrestlers are really former “toasters”!

Really, what does a man gain by impressing people outside of his home, and losing all his family in avoidable emotional multiple ‘fatal’ accidents? As for Yetty (of course, she stands for all women who think they love their men, and cannot understand why men are so blind to see it) confronting the other woman is not exactly wise. First, you expose him to public ridicule. And he’ll want to take his pound of flesh back – even when he assures you all is forgiven – by “completing” the “task” he has been “unjustly” accused of attempting. His ‘reaction’ could be a traumatising private disgrace you may find too hard to swallow. Hope, you get my drift?
And scowling, nagging, pouting and all such “put-offish” mannerisms are just what they are – PUT-OFF-fish. He’ll simply ride over it – if he’s sensitive, by staying away from both parties. And you are one of the parties! Frankly, no woman deserves to be ignored.

So, what should you do? Bite your tongue, smack yourself in the face or take the anger off any way you can – but … don’t let him know how the miracle is being done. Because, really, it takes a special grace of God to get to that level. So, try and revert to your “old-school-lovey-dovey” days. Give him the red-carpet entry into every department – you do understand that, don’t you? Then, force yourself to enjoy the whole ceremony. Sincerely, play up the mutual excitement – after all, the ultimate result we all want is a lasting, more exciting, and mutually trusting relationship.

When you know that the edges are thawing, and that deep lines are smoothening, put your fears on the table – not in his face as they do in courts (where allegations tumble over allegations). No, please, no. That is the slippery spot where love is burnt and souls are lost. Do a responsible summary of your pains and anguish; give him the benefit of doubt (after all, if it’s the fault you want to detect, you could hire an investigator and carefully destroy your own home and life). Remember, that man you think is foolish can actually sell you without a document! And if you have an orator for a husband, your mature, confident but proactive handling of the situation will make him tongue-twisted.

Now, this is the hard part. Pray hard before you start this process. Because it must have only one end; powered by only one motive. Love must conquer; happiness must return; trust must breathe again. And no one can trust alone – it’s another name for foolishness. Did I say pray? No, fast, pray, read the holy book, and let God control your TONGUE.

Why do I emphasise this? Because, whatever the man professes or confesses, you not only have to listen quietly to it all; you also have to believe. And not only should you believe, but give him the greatest gift; you also have to forgive. If God gives you the grace to forgive a man who even has “fallen” – and he sees and feels that you have indeed forgiven him, you have a reformed man on your bosom. Even if he’s addicted to adultery; you’ll have broken his wings irreparably.
Tell me, will you stop calling a bird without useful wings a bird? The answer is No? But such an animal cannot be counted in the comity of flyers. That is what men become when women get it right. But can you? Will your tongue allow you? Will your friends not abet in dismembering your home? Think about it.