COUNTERPOINT By Femi Akintunde-Johnson
This is a touchy one – for both men and women. So, I am going to be careful in the choice of words, and may have to spend quality time emphasizing some things. What are we talking about? Ladies who think they are in love with decent-looking men, and are in serious pains because “at long last”, the men leave them to marry some other girls who had not suffered the deprivation, sacrifice and indulgences they have invested into the relationship! Yet… They are left with the burnt edge of the love-stick.
First, accept my ‘condolences’ if any of my readers fall into such a category. I frankly don’t have the qualification to psyco-analyse your individual scenarios; nor am I in a position to deduce why some women ‘do’ serious “I-go-die” (IGD for brevity) for some men and still end up losing the men.
But I do have some ideas about what men think, or palpitations that set their feet running away when girls start ‘dying’ for them, Some of the ladies have been ‘around’, playing ‘home’ and ‘away’ in different ‘leagues’ of the world. And men can’t stand such competition! Because men are usually hypocritical: we are challenged by, and like women who know their ‘onions’ and can battle us to ‘goal-less’ draw games. But the next step into more serious relationship is usually left for the next ‘sucker’ after we have abandoned ship.
Men also love to be pampered; call them romantic secret names and their heads swell with pompous pride.
Even if we don’t admit it, the girls who could match us word for word in ‘dirty-talk’ receive our admiration – until tying the knots comes into view. The romantic, communicative chap of last week will then get ulcers of the mouth; and complex piles that will force him not to sit near you or your bed again.
One major problem of IGD ladies is the self-destructive mind-set of going into every relationship with the idea of it culminating in marriage. Girls get so worked up trying to make the relationship move from the ‘garden’ to the ‘bedroom’. This is where they often miss the bus. Men are notoriously suspicious of ‘efforts’ at turning them to a ‘real man’ – the pet occupation of desperate women.
When an ‘IGD’ stumbles on a secret relationship between her man (who had sworn that she was the only fish in his ocean) and another lady, the IGD is too afraid of muddying the sea and rooting out the offending ‘fish’. After the initial frowning and snubbing, the first visitor to the man’s house the following day is our aggrieved IGD – now begging the man to resist the devil so that the bedrock of their affair does not collapse! The man listens to the whining, and it is sweet sound to his lecherous ears. All his prayers are answered. With a lady like that, added with a dose of ‘advanced bone-face’, the man can get away with virtually anything.
Interestingly, the fear of the man is not always misplaced; because experience has taught him that IGD women are the leading members of home-breakers club. Men realise that those women don’t marry because they ‘love’ their men, but they crave for the prefix of “Mrs” to their names, and few ‘replicas’ of the men – if possible. Therefore, when men suffering under the loveless attack of such matrimony meet to compare notes, the singles amongst them receive ‘a heart of stone’. Henceforth, they see their friends’ wives in their girlfriends. Transferred animosity?
But smart girls have ways with men which force their lovers to eat from their palms. And there is no ‘jazzing’ involved – if you know what I mean. You may beat us to the game, if you are not in a hurry to marry. That is the first law of hooking the ‘right man’. And the irony of it all is that those who are not fretting about how long they have to wait to get husbands often don’t stay available for long. Men are also smart, you know.
Now, if you are an IGD, you can still retrace your style, and make a hit with your next fix. But kill yourself, if you must: you have to change your tactics. Number one, don’t let your next boyfriend pigeon-hole you as an IGD. Even the fact that you have become fanatically ‘born-again’ cannot do the trick. Purge yourself quickly.
Try this: even if you are over 30 years old, don’t rush the man or harass him with stories of friends’ fantastic weddings and great marriages. Don’t drop any hints of where your skirt is going. That is the ‘gunshot’ that will turn him to ‘Bullet Johnson’. Now, this model can’t help you if you lack values a man wants in a wife. No one can teach you good manners and adorable character… at your age!
Unfortunately, that you do have these admirable attributes, is not enough to keep the man from running away. Some men are so silly that they leave a jewel and go on to roil in the mud with a pig (pardon my language). But nothing gets the attention of a philandering man like the ‘clear and present danger’ of losing a valuable partner. However dangerous it may seem, the lady has to hazard the risk, and put to use the fatalistic jingle of “whatever is meant to be yours will come to you, however long it strays away”.
Much as I dislike that statement, a woman has to get that deeply non-challant, and confront her man with details of his indiscretions. He must be forced to admit it, confess it, renounce it, and get him to sweat at convincing you that such will not be repeated. Even if he is an incorrigible fornicator, his extra sweat to convince you and act the ‘good boy’ will cast a veil of respectability around you in years to come. In such a situation; even if he hardly can stop himself from cheating on you, be assured that the end of his game is close by….