Onyeka Onwenu

Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

You know to say sorry no dey shake me. I can apologize for Africa. Me, I like to apologize o even when I am not wrong because it doesn’t remove anything from my body. As my oga Chike would say, ‘Edgar no get shame’. Me I no be proud man.

That is how I was looking for elegant stallion Onyeka Onwenu in retirement to come and write a foreword for my new book – Anonymous Nipples – The Naked Truth. The book will have over 300 pictures of semi-nude females, the kind that you won’t be very happy to hold in front of your pastor.

In fact, a lot of people have started placing orders and asking me to wrap it and surreptitiously deliver it in their car booth without even talking to them. Anyways that is how I decided to get mummy to help with the foreword simply because the very first time I heard of the phrase – wham, bang, thank you mam- na for her mouth.

The book would be discussing very strong issues like sex, rape in marriage, the mystery of the female orgasm, sex toys and many things I cannot mention on a family column like this. That is how I forgot that mummy was approaching 70 and as such, she would be nearer to God than a vibrator.

I called o, she no pick. I send WhatsApp message, she read but no reply. So I sent a text telling her what I wanted. She sent a terse, ‘not interested’ reply. Maybe she was fasting or on night vigil. That is how I got ‘isho’. But shey you know me na. That is how I reported her to my friends and most of them came back with their own experiences with her.

I now forwarded one of the negative comments to mummy. That is how mummy come curse me o. She say, ‘the way you have humiliated me that is how you will be humiliated’. Me wey I just lose wife come carry curse again? Fear catch me o. To compound my problem, my friend and brother, Amaeze, say I should not take the curse lightly that mummy was from Arondizuogu and that they don’t use to joke with people from there o. I have not been able to piss since then.

I don’t know if the curse has started working o. That is why I am on my knees stark naked in my room sending this huge apology to mummy if for nothing else for the great work she has done and is still doing in this our nation. Mummy, please, forgive me. I am but a naughty, silly boy. If you read this kindly let me know where and when I can send a powerful bowl of afang, complete with periwinkles and ‘Ekwong’ to you. God bless you. Oya, remove the curse.