By Adegboyega Labiran
Getting married and living in two different cities is not a new thing. Living apart could be due to economic reasons or some factors beyond the control of a couple. While some couples live apart after getting married, trust issues on the part of the husband and his wife would come to the fore. While they were courting, loyalty to each other was principal. Five years after getting married, and two children to the advantage of the relationship, it is time for a trust audit on the part of the husband and his wife.
In Africa, south of the Sahara, whenever a woman is nursing a baby, her husband with a high libido looks elsewhere for sex. Whenever a man travels out to another city, especially for a long period, his wife imagines her husband satisfies himself elsewhere sexually. On a general note, women assume their spouses have girlfriends either in their places of work or in some obscure places. This is what informs a high level of suspicion if her husband stays away for a period too long for her expectation. Not many women will come to terms with the fact that men are preoccupied with the thoughts of scouting for money to pay bills and look after his family.
Women, except it is proved otherwise, are generally loyal to their marriage vows and hence would like to wait for her husband before having another round of sex. If a woman is suspected or caught having an affair with another man, that behaviour is viewed with a high level of seriousness which may lead to an outright divorce in some cases. On the other hand, she can only suspect her husband without any evidence to prove a point. If she, however, catches her husband in the act, the society will look the other way, expecting him to have financial and material resources to keep a polygamous home running.
A husband and his wife are two people trying to manage trust issues and suspicion of who has gone outside of the marriage vows to have sex. Long Distance relationship had produced step children unknown to the other partner. On the altar of good morals, these children cannot be introduced into the original matrimonial home of their father or mother as the case may be. The Green Card Programme produced opportunities for some partners to migrate to the United States, while their better halves are still here in Nigeria, waiting to join their spouses, at the fulfillment of time. How then should couples manage long distance relationship?
First, is the commitment to the marriage vows. The husband and his wife must express loyalty to their marriage vows and eagerness to reunite at the slightest opportunity whenever they speak with themselves on their phones. They should both catch up on moments missed and query themselves to know issues and developments that can be described as germane about each other. Such questions should include, is your spouse a good cook? What is the size of your wife’s shoes? If you had an issue 2000 meters away, what is your spouse’s response time? In your heart of heart, have you really helped him in your capacity as a helpmate?
Have you really provided for your spouse as a breadwinner? Does your wife respect you or she treats you as one of her staff? Would your spouse give you a top priority during a lean period? Do you perceive your spouse would soon leave you? Or is he just hanging out with you in the meantime? Would she go with the billionaire next door when she discovers you no longer have money? Does he have a conscience, is your wife compassionate? Do you know his blood sugar level? When does he need a sperm boost? When does he need a harder erection? Do you know the prescribed drug in this regard? What is his average blood sugar reading? Does he have a middle name? Do you know the meaning of this name? In the order of birth in a family of four children, what position does he occupy? What implication does this have in the scheme of things?
Additionally, they should come to terms on jointly executing a programme objective such as planning for another baby, buying another car or a landed property. The truth about their respective secular endeavours must be told while living apart. In other climes, receiving personal phone calls during office hours is not allowed. Another truth is the actual salaries and allowances received and how they are expended .The expression of their emotions to reunite. The thought of a spouse returning after the completion of an endeavour should give a succor to calm down curiosity about the absence of a loved one. However, if a spouse despite the suggestions raised decides to go outside the marriage vows to have sex, then that delinquent fellow had longed waited for that opportunity before manifesting that ill-conceived motive.
It stands to reason that, that spouse does not enjoy a properly constituted marriage and needed a way of escape for a breather. A wife was more passionate with her job more than her marriage. Without reaching any consensus with her husband, she was either in one meeting or busy with her work and hence arriving home late, or attending a conference or seminar out of the country. On arriving from one of those professional outings, she met another woman who held the fortress for her and performed matrimonial obligations .Eventually; she lost that marriage and advised her female folks to always strike a balance between their homes and their professional careers.
There are known cases of men who went outside their marriage vows to have children. These children could not enjoy their father who had gone back to live with his first wife. The first wife in retaliation deployed wicked and uncharitable words to address her randy husband all through the period they were reunited. He developed stroke and another stroke that eventually took his life.
A long distant relationship is not a strong point for a spouse to have sex outside of the marriage vows. Consequent upon which this author is of the opinion couples have been duly advised.