Buhari, It’s a Pity!

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President Buhari

Loud Whispers

Me, I do not really know how to hide my mouth. I no be senator. My lord, I just may not vote for you come 2019. It is a reality, I tell you in fact if the elections were holds today, you will NOT get my vote. Let me just talk my own openly. It is the gospel truth. You see my reasons are very simple. People have been talking about your not having certificate or that the certificate is with one Army Council. Others are talking about the economy and how over two million people have lost their jobs, your inability to solve the problem of electricity even after that your Fashola had promised power in six months and all these rash of killings all over the place culminating in this Shiite wahala. Others have really expressed concern over your lack of respect for the rule of law, the disobedience to strategic court rulings and the style of your appointments. My lord, many say that you have been aloof and have indeed lost the reins of government and as such they would not be standing behind you this time. The negative vibes against you are really strong on the streets. Do not mind what your people are telling you. The clouds are really dark.

Anyways, I really do not care for all this talk, my lord. My own reason is simple: I still carry a grudge against you which if not carefully handled will affect my position come 2019. So I still discussed this matter with my leader Voke Eghagha. We were in Command Secondary school some 30 years ago when they said you were coming for an official visit in your capacity as director of something in the Army. That is how they made us cut grass and wash toilets for two weeks, everyday non-stop. My lord, I suffered o, come and see blisters all over my hand. We cut and swept and washed just to keep the compound in Ipaja sparkling clean for your inspection. If you know me very well, which I doubt you will know that this kind of suffering is not in my DNA. That is how you came and spent five minutes and went back. So all my suffering was for just five minutes? Na wa, you see my grouse. I don’t know what happened o. The suffering was real. Kai, I almost swore for you that day o. So all our work, compulsory manual labour and washing all were naught. Well, me I have not forgiven you since that day so all this talk about Boko Haram or Shiite or nepotism or anything no be my own grouch.

Jimi Agbaje – Voke Endorses You

You know everybody has their leader. Just as Jagaban is omnipotent all-conquering leader so is Voke too. Voke is my leader. In secondary school, he was our lord leading us on so many expeditions to the cocoa farms that littered the environs of our school in Ipaja. He was such a strong leader that he was nicknamed 007 after his exploits in the jungle where many monkeys and bush rats suffered a pogrom. Well, recently we were talking about your candidacy and the dynamics of Lagos politics and he dropped this, ‘Edgar, Jimi is cool. He was our bros in Vi Adeola Odeku. He lived down the road. His other neighbours were the Fashinros, Eremoseles, and Amusans. His mum was a teacher and friend with my mum. His younger brother Segun and his friend Obilana were two classes ahead of me. They helped me deal with BULLIES. My bros, Jimi Agbaje is a fine gentleman with finesse and absolute decorum in all his affairs and comes from a very loving and responsible family. He had this very pretty sister Busola who died in an accident sometime ago. We were all crest fallen……. You see why I am beginning to look again at this candidacy. Guys did you see the part where Voke talked about Jimi helping him fight bullies? it’s looking like destiny is calling on Jimi once again to come help us fight the bullies who have held down Lagos and wrested it to its knees. Now this fight will not be that type of secondary school fight o, it will be real roforofo where Uncle Jimi is if he is going to make any dent in the empire must throw away the garb of gentlemanliness and enter the gutter and fight this fight like his life depends on it. What is needed is an advocate candidacy, to rally the masses for a push towards freedom, emancipation and a right to our own self-determination. Enough of all this leadership by the nose, people deciding for us what we want, who will give us and how they will give us. Destiny is beckoning to Agbaje once again and I hope he will not come and be doing what my friend Cecelia has dubbed ‘candidate in exile’. That is, we only hear from him every election year. Well, anyways, Voke has spoken and I have listened, it remains for Jimi to speak and let’s see if Lagosians will listen.

Senator Ladoja and Henry imasekha – sweet whispers

Mbok, I am so happy. I just got my own invite to what is beginning to look like the wedding of the century. Ladoja’s son is getting married to Imaskha’s daughter o. That is the news o. What people do not know is that Mr. Imasekha is my oga o. He is one of the very few people I really have high regards for in this our investment banking business. I have sat with him at so many meetings even up to last week soaking up his highly intelligent and experienced offerings on transactions. Who am I to argue? When I go try to sell things to him, I come out of those meetings a stronger investment banker. I will now go and meet lesser mortals and use the nuggets I got from Henry to sell and collect their money. But oga Henry, I have not been able to crack him, it is only a matter of time sha, I would soon close my first transaction with him. His picture is on the mountain with my prophet. Anyways, I have heard that his beautiful daughter would be marrying Senator Ladoja’s son. Kai, you see how God works. Senator Ladoja is my mother-in-law’s neighbour in Ondo street Bodija, Ibadan. You people be carrying small eyes and be looking at me not knowing that as the Duke of Shomolu, I move among all strata of society. So I count Ladoja as a neighbour and Henry as my Oga and you think I am a small person. Well sha, the wedding is happening this November at the exquisite Suites of the Eko Hotel and it promises to be a showstopper. Me, I am coming with my full regalia as an Akwa Ibom Prince. I am putting on my royal wrapper with nothing underneath so that the sweet breeze from the Atlantc Ocean can blow under and keep me cool, complete with my chieftaincy cap and walking stick. My lord, please I will like to be served by very light in complexion and curvy waitresses abi I should bring my own just in case you don’t have so I don’t distract you from the very important business of securing this very beautiful nuptial? Congratulations, you are giving your daughter to a wonderful family. They are a good family, take it from me, your daughter will not be hungry. I used to see them feed plenty people in their Bodija house almost on a daily basis. Even me I have eaten there before. Once you are a card-carrying member of oga’s party (I don’t know which one now, you know the baba used to change party anyhow), na free food I tell you. Congrats.

ROCHAS OKOROCHA – Israel, come and take!

I watched the wonderfully lipped Nnamdi Kanu on Israeli TV talking his usual gibberish. The guy just makes me laugh. He said there were 70 million Igbo Jews in Nigeria. Be like say he don count Akwa Ibom people and some Fulani herdsmen inside the matter o. Even the Israeli TV presenter was taken back. Anyways, I believe him and I also want to use this opportunity to inform the Israeli authorities that Rochas Okorocha is amongst these 70 million Jews and that they should come and carry their pikin with his son-in-law make we hear word for this Imo gubernatorial election. I think it is high time the Israeli government lived up to its responsibilities and come for their citizens especially the ones with very strong skills. With the constant war of attrition with the Palestinians, the need to restore and build statues cannot be over-emphasized. So this particular candidate will do a lot for the Israeli archeological landscape with his statue-building skills. Also his son-in-law with his much-vaunted public governance skill will also help the Israelis in their new settlements by putting in place strong governance structures. Mbok, not only these two, any Nigerian Igbo Jew who wants to go, kindly feel free make una go, Israel needs you. I just tire.

ATIKU: DON’T SPOIL IT

Oya, we have all now come around to your candidacy and you want to spoil it with this your refusal to accept one term. My own is that kindly note that what you have achieved right now is still very vulnerable and you would need all the gait and skill to weld it into a firm structure that should lead you to the polls. So things like these could scatter everything and ruin your chances. You have to be very careful and circumspect not to be making this kind of statement that I have just seen allegedly claiming that you will not agree to a single term. So after serving two terms as VP and one term as President, would that not be enough? look we are only just looking your way because you are looking like a lesser evil so do not please get carried away and begin to see yourself like Nelson Mandela or Obama. Let me even tell you, Wizkid will defeat you if it was only two of you on the ballot, so hold on to your knickers. Me I support this one term thing for you, because your presidency in my estimation would just be to rebalance and refocuse Nigeria. You are to hold back your tribesmen who have gone on a forever rampage, you are to heal the wounds and ensure collective participation in the Nigerian Project by all and sundry and not just by a particular tribe even though it is your tribe, return the economy to free enterprise, limit government’s intervention and open up the investment space for all and sundry by providing an enabling environment. If you remain focused and calm, you can achieve all of these in four years. We are not ready for another old man with many wives on that seat , doing medical trips at our expense. So my lord, do not let us change our mind and stay with the devil we know. Look at this single term thing and do what the Americans call a slam dunk term and write your name in history, we don tire.

LAI MUHAMMED’S ULTIMATUM TO ISRAEL

Mbok, our daddy has refuted a statement alluding that he had issued an ultimatum to Israel to return Kanu or we send missiles. He said he laughed when he saw the report. Which kind laughter? If he had not issued the ultimatum, he should immediately. How can a known refugee, who jumped bail, called us monkey and threatened to secede, be in Israel and we will not send missiles? My lord if fear is catching you, I will issue the ultimatum on your behalf. Why are you afraid na shebi we just bought tornado fighter jets that they will soon deliver in four years? We can issue the ultimatum and be using the Tokunbo ones that we have for now till those ones arrive. Instead of our police going around doing operation velvet and be chancing innocent motorists, we draft them in. Abeg, Israel is not as powerful again jo, we should not fear to go into battle with them. Kanu in that place is very dangerous and could whip up sentiments against us abi you did not watch that film, Raid on Entebbe when Israel sent in troops to come and free their citizens and hostages in Uganda? Me I cannot cry o, if Kanu keeps at this pace shouting that there are 70millon Jews in Nigeria suffering and under oppression , they will come o so we need to preempt them. Let’s strike first because if they come, they will not wait to select targets and ask people like you who have been enjoying to stay one side na all of us them go attack. Uncle let’s issue this thing na! Don’t fear, just call NTA and talk it. They will hear and if they do not release kanu in 24 hours we have enough troops to invade Israel and capture their Prime Minister and make him cry on international TV. Oya, I am tuned to NTA and waiting. Laugh wan kill me. So Uncle can fear to issue statement?

OONI OF IFE – CAVEAT EPMTOR

Notice is being given that His Eminence, the Ooni of Ife, is not for sale and all these women who are claiming to have been duped by fraudsters who collected money from them to get them to marry the well-respected leader should be warned. The Ooni cannot be put on auction to the highest bidder and you will now be paying money without collecting receipt and expect accountability. Mbok, next time, make sure you pay directly to the treasury in the palace if you are that stupid and collect an official receipt and then just maybe, you may have legal claim to the Ooni’s hand in marriage. How foolish can some of these our ladies be? Let me state it here very clearly that the Ooni is not for sale, he has been taken by a prophetess who rather than part with money took her case to God in prayer and supplication and God answered her in a big way. So stop! However, should you insist, kindly note that the Duke of Shomolu is available and ready to be bought. The Duke, like the Ooni, is the spiritual leader of some of the Shomolu people, they have not agreed sha but we will get there. The Duke is better looking than the Ooni and younger with a stronger performance rate in the other room. The only difference is that the Ooni is richer with better access to wealth but then what choice do you have? The man has been taken. So please come and pay the money to my agents and let’s start conversation. Kindly note all funds will be taken and there would be no refunds. Kindly make sure you are light in complexion, curvy and can cook afang. The Duke has capacity to marry as many wives as possible like his mentor, Fela. Unlike Tuface, there will be no disappointment. Na wa, pay to marry? What else would we not hear?

TONY ANENIH – A CONDOLENCE

We in Shomolu have received the passing of this great icon with equanimity. An Iroko tree just passed away few years after his lovely son Eugene who was my friend and professional colleague as a stockbroker died. I have read Obiagbon’s tribute and did not make any sense of it and as such would not be quoting him on this piece. Chief Anenih played a definitive role in our body politic in his heyday and up till very recently still contributed to public discuss as we continue to meander in the morass of helplessness. This is a great loss. May God give his family the fortitude to bear this loss.

Mbok, what is operation Velvet?

The whole thing started like a joke. People started circulating on social media a long list of things that police would be inspecting in cars going forward. I even hear say razor is included. So on my way to a meeting at the Four Point Hotel in Victoria Island, one potbellied policeman waved us down, frowning his face like he had just seen a Boko Haram fighter and as we approached him, his inexperience showed. He stood by the side of the car instead of the front. I just smiled at how God blessed me. I just asked my driver to pretend to stop and drive off abeg. I don’t have power. When I saw the list of what they would be looking for I thank God I escaped o. That man for collect my chop money for the month. I hear they have postponed it for one month. I am sure the objectives for the exercise are noble but you know Nigeria na, this na food for the boys. I dey go update sha. I no get power for police and their wahala.

BODE OLANIPEKUN AND THE DUKE OF SHOMOLU

You see, this is the only SAN I can call a friend. So I must continue to dey hail am na. He had a wonderful party at the Landmark Centre in Victoria Island to mark this great achievement with the iconic Tony Elumelu as chairman. That one sef, I went to greet him o. He recognized me and shouted Edgarrrrrrrrrrr, I shouted, “My Lord!” We hugged and Lami was envying me. Him know know those kind people. I saw other great Nigerians like Donald Duke, who spoke, and Prof. Ndi Okereke amongst others. On my table was the young but very enterprising head honcho of the GG Group Chidi Ajaere. But see wahala, they now chose my table not to serve. The waiters were just carrying the sumptuous food and be passing us like we were PDP members at an APC convention. Well after like an hour and all the big boys were posing, hungry was catching them o and they were salivating but you know how Nigerians can pose and be dying, they just sat and were not saying anything. Me, as Duke I cannot come and die, I just stood up and walked to the serving point grabbed one tray and announced that I was the DUKE OF SHOMOLU and I deserved to be served afang or else I will shut down the party. They looked at me and saw fire in my eyes – hungry don kill me – and apologized that they did not have afang but efo. If it’s not panadol, it’s not panadol, I said they should give me porridge instead. My people come thank me and ask if I go try Presidency under APC with this kind boldness wey i show. I say they should not worry that I get certificate. That post you must lose your certificate to stand a chance.

AL- MUSTAPHA AT THE AFANG SUMMIT

You see, the afang summit is where we sit down to discuss politics while taking down deliciously made afang and downing it with freshly tapped palm wine. We have hosted Dr. Fagbenro of Kowa and a host of other dignitaries. Now we are waiting for Dr. Rueben Abati to give us a date so we can as well host him. But we have received words that Al Mustapha, the Presidential Candidate of the PPN may likely make a showing. Me, I am so excited and I hope he accepts the offer o because I get many questions. So guys keep this space open as we would like to have Dr. Abati host and compere this session.

THANKS FOR ALL THE FEEDBACK BUT…

OK since this column resumed on Sunday, the feedback has been tremendous. Everybody has been calling from senators to my ex-girlfriends, all commending me and telling me well done. Make una dey push me o. Even my long – lost friend, Banke. Now the thing is that everybody is hailing me, shouting yab them, yab them, when the wahala comes I hope una go stand o. As una dey push me, me sef dey yab them. When them come for me, everybody go run o. That na Lagos style but anyways, no problem, thanks so much for the feedback. I simply love hearing from you guys. The comments and suggestions are all appreciated, keep them coming except for those who suddenly remember that I am owing them and be calling mbok, leave me alone. Can’t you see that we are looking for certificate and that Ambode don lose blueprint so things are tough right now?