Prof Yemi Osinbajo: Let’s Go Home


Loud Whispers

I saw the footage, the one of the visiting women who came to ask for better representation in 2019. The president in response was said to have jokingly sent a message to my amiable Prof that his job was being threatened. You see, in Nigeria nothing at that level is a joke, the vice president’s job is really at stake except Buhari continues with his political naiveté and keeps him with no political equity or capital to trade with. You see, Osinbajo has put himself in this situation with his very unique style of doing ‘’I no dey among’’.

The VP has perfected this political technique which is quite novel and would soon be studied at the Kennedy School of Government in Havard. I am pushing the study. Let me tell you guys about it. It is the impossibility of walking through a pigsty in white clothes and expect to come out without blemish. A case of “I am with you but I am not with you”. So the VP was attorney general in a Lagos State administration which garnered so much public reactions over its handling of some of the most tricky transactions; an administration that although performed creditably well but still came out with an image that wasn’t that clean.

My layman sense tells me that he would have been involved in constructing the legal framework for some of these transactions that have left some sour taste in the mouth of the people. But he still  positioned himself as being detached with a very strong image as a man of character which he is no doubt, and on the back of that got NOMINATED as our vice president.

Well, the tactic have served him so well in government until now. You see without jumping into the trench and positioning yourself as an aloof intellectual, you have not built any political capital and as such in the negotiations leading up to 2019, you remain a sitting duck. With a weakened political godfather, a poor record in governance by the administration, I fear you will not be standing on very strong grounds. If I were in Buhari’s shoes, I will throw you overboard while seeking for the emotional votes of the women who make up the majority of our population. These ones are not interested in logic, political affiliation, issues or any of that kind thing once a woman is on the ticket. Even if it’s Linda Ikeji, you will begin to see women solidarity. They will just flock in and vote for their sister no matter where she comes from and what religion she professes. They will even vote for Bobrisky as long as IT wears lipstick. My brother I have been trying Buhari’s number for the last one week, the network is bad, I have a 49-page document I solely wrote immediately you gave your daughter out to that Kogi boy without considering my interest. Please do not take this personal; it’s for the unity of the nation, you will just have to make the sacrifice.

Femi Gbajamialla : Femo !
My paddy, was that you in that clownish Gucci suit in the video presenting the latest G-Wagon said to be worth N100m to your obviously elated wife on her 50th birthday bash and was that her looking like an overripe tangerine in that outfit? I am still in relative shock and in a stupor from what I saw. I have been in debates on so many social media platforms for defending you that, that cannot be my own Gbaja. In fact, I have been saying it is Spike Lee, the famed American movie director who shares an uncanny resemblance to you. My egbon, they have been yabbing you o and I have had a herculean task defending you. There is nothing legally wrong with gifting your wife that kind of expensive gift if you can afford it from proceeds of legal engagement.

The only problem there is that my own wife recently turned 50 and I got her perfumes and a collection of my essays. I explained to her that what matters is the fact that God has kept us alive and that we still have a powerful sex life after all these years that we should thank God o. After all, some of our age mates can’t even get it up again. But this your video and gift have scattered my family o. If it is true that you are the one in that video and that you dropped N100m for a car, then you have killed me, Gbaja. Please, be sure that you have lost the support of the Duke of Shomolu and I will be officially joining forces with the people who are saying that you have represented Surulere for too long. Please, no be only you dey for Surulere. I can count over 600 people who are eminently qualified to do the job, if not better. Please, Surulere people let’s rise up against the tyranny of the Gucci-wearing oligarch. It haff do. Can you imagine now I have to go look for tokunbo car to buy to get peace? Abeg, we need new representation in Surulere. It haff do.

Falz – This Is Our Nigeria
Last time I wrote on this page that you were becoming more relevant than your erudite father, the legendary Femi Falana, I was made to apologise on the same page. You know big coward that I was, I wrote a longer piece begging daddy so he would not take me to court. Who needs court matter when I have not paid school fees? So as I watched this video, I was screaming, I was shouting, I was crying and I stripped naked and ran around the house. This was a masterpiece, touching sacred topics we are all afraid to touch. Falz killed it. Falz killed the churches, screaming about how they took our tithes to build schools we cannot afford to take our kids to. He railed against official corruption, the Dapchi and Chibok girls made appearances in the video dancing their sorrows in our faces. Falz was culture. Falz was massive and Falz has taken it. It is no wonder the video has hit over a million views, leading to the iconic American pop figure-P Diddy to comment on Twitter. Falz, you are a true soldier and well done.

Jega: Long Time
I stumbled on this obviously patriotic Nigerian on TV giving a speech where he lampooned the National Assembly for being corrupt. I watched him talk about his interaction with a few heads of government and parastatals who have serially complained about the need to grease palms at the National Assembly before getting their budgets passed. This is no news o my daddy. What is news is if we can actually change the paradigm. For me, my lord, I think we should institutionalise corruption. Let’s legalise it so that we charge a fee or commission as Nigerians from these proceeds. Let me give an example as I have already said it at this point.

Government should provide an environment where corruption thrives, regulate it, cap it and then tax it. My barber is doing it and is succeeding with his barbers who have been stealing him dry. They now pay him a fee and he is making his money since he cut off salaries.  So everybody knows that bail is free but I have yet to see any Nigerian dead or alive who got bail free. So my thinking is that we stop paying policemen salaries. They should fix a price on bail and other services, government would regulate the price, making sure it is pegged, just as they do with fuel and even have an equalisation fund if the services are to be rendered in faraway Jigawa and then the policemen will now make returns to government in the form of fees and commission.

Government will now use the funds to take care of the police station and other things. Should I mention immigration? At the gate, you will see the official price. I challenge any Nigerian even the head of state to come out and tell me if he has ever procured a passport at the legal price. We should regulate and institutionalise this thing abeg and I want to nominate you to head the panel that would look into the introduction. So please my daddy leave our senators alone. We should stop paying them all these allowances. They should work for their funds and remit to us. Simple! If you are ready to take up this assignment, let me know so that I can quickly organise a crash course for you on legalising corruption. Thank you.

Linda Ikeji – I Am the Father
Ever since she came out with those lovely pictures, all sorts of names have been mentioned as the probable father of the belle. This to my mind is preposterous and since nobody has come out officially to claim responsibility, I have stepped in. I am the father of the pregnancy and in my capacity, I will like to meet with Linda to discuss terms of my engagement which would include and not be limited to paternity allowances amongst others. Seriously, if not that Linda herself had begun to position herself as a ‘role model’ to our teenage girls, this would have not been a problem. So getting pregnant outside wedlock presupposes pre-marital sex except in the case of a holy conception which is very far from the situation here. So all the millions of young girls who have been looking up to her as a result of her rags-to-riches story and her hard work laced with determination to succeed will be sorely disappointed with the controversy surrounding her perfectly legitimate nocturnal activities.

This is why we should all learn to be respecting ourselves and know our boundaries. When I was recommended for appointment in my church men’s group, I promptly rejected the appointment even though I was perfectly qualified. The reason was simple: I am a womaniser. I have a soft spot for yellow and full-bodied women and I know them as my weakness. Even my mama know. So if I accept the appointment, it is the same people who recommended me that will be screaming scandal. I just look them waka pass. So my dear Linda, there is no problem, I have offered to step in even if it is for a temporary period to give you the legitimacy you so require and to ward off Kemi Olunloyo – that one sef. But let’s discuss terms abeg.