Buhari’s Impeachment: A Must!

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Loud Whispers

Kai, I can just see Gabriel Ogbechie my paddy on his breakfast table scream and spill his early morning Zobo as he caught a glimpse of this headline. His very beautiful wife Godrey thinking something had gone wrong will now come rushing out from the other room  and then she would realise that it is me as usual taunting the world. Even if I wanted Buhari impeached, would I now go on this page and shout it? Kai, I will just call my own madam into the room, switch off the light, lock the windows and doors and then make sure we both strip naked – you know the way these DSS people work nowadays, anybody can be bugged – I will now make her swear her by the Book of Habakuk to secrecy and then, I will whisper into her ear in a very shrill and consistorial voice, what I think of this matter after which I will give her codeine to sleep off so that when she wakes up she will not remember whatever it was I had told her. You see a lot of people have been calling me asking my opinion on this impeachment matter; others have even gone ahead to ask me to make a public statement in my capacity as the Duke of Shomolu and chairman of the free newspapers Association worldwide. I just shrug and ignore them. Why can’t they too make statements? After all, it is a free country. Please make una leave me o, Buhari no do me anything o, even the money dem appropriate which one reach us for Shomolu. Appropriate or not na the same thing for us – hopelessness. So I adopt my oga the late Bola Ige stance on the matter: “I siddon look’’. No be me kill Jesus.

Codeine Ban: Long Overdue
On this matter, I have had two very close encounters. My cousin, Esshiet, used to date a very beautiful young girl. The kind of damsel you would see and be wishing you were not born when you were born. I used to stare at her as she floated around the area but what used to stop me from embarrassing myself was the fact that the stupid girl used to call me her father-in-law. I guess she knew what was on my mind and that father-in-law thing was to push me back. You know these young girls can be smart. So I would be respecting myself and be calling her daughter-in-law too. Anyway I suddenly stopped seeing her and asked Esshiet what happened to her and he said she was addicted to cough syrup. That was the first time I heard that. How can someone be addicted to cough syrup? He said he was tired of rescuing her from the den of these boys who used the cough syrup to lure her and sexually abuse her in her bid to get a fix. Kai, cough syrup o. These children will not kill somebody o. Last I heard of her was that she had dropped out of school and disappeared. I miss her. The second was a young girl who wanted to work with me. I asked her to come over  for a drink so we could discuss her plans. She told me upfront that she drank codeine and that I should send money so she could buy and bring it along. By this time I had started hearing of the addiction our youths are going through with this drug. I ran away o. I cannot add addiction to all the demons in my life. This thing is now in an epic proportion and I support the latest government’s ban on it. But you know all these will now make the value go higher, increasing crime and destitution. We must complement this with strong policies, rehabilitation processes and robust social welfare, otherwise, we would be losing a whole generation. These our yeye pastors building mega church auditoriums and flying private jets and cannonading with young Nollywood starlets should enter this matter and try to assist abeg. This is war.

Sex for Marks: Obaseki’s Concern
I have just read a statement purportedly released by a media aide to the Governor of Edo State who I must say is a senior colleague as a stockbroker. In the statement he was reported to have praised the ‘’courage’’ of the student and admonished the authorities of OAU to do all within their powers to ensure ‘’justice’’ and closed it that they were monitoring the situation. That is the road he should have built in Benin. He really get time as we say it in Shomolu. Is it because the alleged victim is from Edo State he is interested, pouring an ethnic bias on the whole situation and before you know it, the governor of the state of the accused lecturer will come out now and say they too are watching to see how their son will be treated? You see where visionlessness in leadership leads to at times? This is a matter within the jurisdiction of OAU and so far, the institution has shown tremendous capacity in handling it and as such there is no need for gubernatorial pressure at all. What that statement has done is to further complicate the process to transparent justice, thereby convicting the accused by public pressure. I think the OAU authorities should be left alone to handle this matter according to their laid-down policies and rules while the rest of us go and do what we told people we will do. Not this matter will bring dividend of democracy to the long-suffering people of Edo State. So my brother Governor, please face forward and let’s see action in other places. This one is being handled. Thank you. Don’t come and fight me o. I am breeze.

Ambode Goes Nollywood
This amiable governor and gentleman would soon make his Nollywood debut with a cameo appearance in the upcoming stage play, Isale Eko, which I am producing with the great Olisa Adibua. The story is set in 14th-century Lagos with all the intrigues and drama that characterised that era. But the lead actress, Wunmi Dada, would go in a trance and appear in modern-day Lagos and would be taken on a tour of Lagos by Ambode. She would be shown around cosmopolitan Lagos taking time to show her points of socio-economic development. After the tour, she would go back to the 14th century to regale them with what she saw. Ambode is expected to play himself on stage. But the problem is that since he got wind of this action, he has dodged o. We no longer see him around Shomolu and his phone lines have suddenly gone numb. We will not give up, he must appear on stage in costume to fulfil his destiny. We will work with madam to get him ready for the epochal role. So my dear Excellency, you can only run but you will not hide, when I am ready you will see me in your office to get you ready for rehearsal. How are you my lord? Let’s do this and make history.

Dino Melaye to Kill Himself?
I saw the video like everybody else on the social media. The great Dino Melaye, senator, singer, poet and rabble-rouser on the floor and threatening the Nigerian Police that he would kill himself and put them in trouble. A lot have been said about the video and events that led to that sad episode. Well for me, my own issue is with the socks he wore that day. Shame catch me o. How can dapper Dino wear that kain colour colour socks for that kind action? The socks were multi coloured with stripes and did not match his outfit. You see that is a major problem for me and will really like to advise the senator, who by the way has my support, that next time he should not ever wear socks instead of that thing he wore that day o. Well my bro don’t kill yourself o, God is in control. This will pass. Take care, I don run ooooo.