Sigh Buhari

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Loud Whispers

This week’s declaration by my lord to seek re-election has really blindsided me and started making me rethink my role in this our country. Do I really have that kind of influence? Am I being taken seriously by the powers that be? Early retirement is beckoning and the only thing that is stopping me are those Tuesday lunches that I usually have with the President in his office where we discuss everything from Dele Momodu’s self-importance to the possibility of appointing FFK the coach of the female Bobsled team. Anyway, my depression stems from the fact that the President had come into Shomolu that cold Saturday evening, it had just rained and as such he had to pull his slippers and roll up his pants to wade through the flood to come discuss this his re-election.

Over bowls of Afang and Fufu, he did Semovita, we weighed all our various options and agreed that we should take Obj’s advice and hang our boots. We had both agreed that the insults were too much and for what na? If the people can be this rude despite all the achievements of the administration then they did not deserve our second term. Abi? Is it easy to release a list of looters? No other administration has ever achieved that feat; the last one that did it was us when we were in uniform. So why all this disrespect left right and centre? As we downed the delicious food with chilled bottles of palm wine, we came to an agreement. No more, we will just step aside and head up to Daura for a well-deserved retirement. So you can imagine my shock when the news hit the airwaves. I first thought it was fake news. You know these days, a lot happens but then after some calls, I confirmed that it was true. Was I upset, not really after all, a man has a right to his choices especially if it is enshrined in the constitution but why now come all this way, reduce my ration and even take the last piece of meat in the soup and then go against what we agreed? So why did I make that kind of sacrifice? My anger is that I allowed him take the last piece of meat in the soup seeing that we were both on the same page and now he is no longer taking my calls. Well, I wish him well and may Allah continue to guide and protect him as he embarks on this journey. He should not have wasted my time seeking my very wise counsel if he was not going to take it. Na wa!

APC UK: Don’t Do It
You see, they will not take advice now o. I have read it somewhere that they are proposing to pay for the nomination form for our President as he seeks re-election. This is not good training o. Oga should be allowed to buy the forms himself like the last time. You know  it was reported that he borrowed money to pay for the form and I am sure he has paid back. So this time, he had four years to save towards buying the form, he needs the discipline so that he is better situated if he wins the election. Rather than buy his form which I am sure he has not asked for, use the excess money that you seem to have to fund social and political awareness campaigns; all this sycophancy is galling. Fund public enlightenment initiatives that would strengthen the political process leading to transparency and muting the negatives of our political atmosphere. Pushing for good governance, how not to sell your votes and how to choose candidates based on issues and not on such shallow prisms like ethnicity, religion and the like that pervade our socio-political clime. I know they will not listen o, I have said my own. Baba does not need your money abeg. When he eventually turns around to taking my calls, I will tell him.

Steve Ayorinde: The Duke is humbled
This my brother is a serious intellectual. He is the Commissioner for Arts, Culture and Tourism in Lagos State and the man saddled with the task of turning Lagos into a powerful tourist destination. When you see your oga you know o. Even the Duke knows that this is his oga o, so I remain bowed. The last time I saw him was at the Freedom Park at the screening of Jude Idada’s wonderful play, Threesome. The wahala here is that Mr. Ayorinde remains quite elusive. Kai, the Egbon no dey take my calls o. I have been trying to reach him now for like three months and na brick wall. So out of frustration, I come to this space to please seek your face sir. I want to see you ooooooo!!!!!!. Don’t vex o, na out of frustration. We have a lot to discuss especially on my plans of turning Shomolu into a wonderful tourist destination. So sir, let’s do it na, five minutes with me will not scatter anything na. Thank you and God bless you.

OAU Sex Scandal
If not for the seriousness of the issue I would have died from laughter. For those of you who do not know, this Professor of something in Ife wanted to have sex with a young student not once but five times to upgrade her marks. If you have not listened to the conversation please quickly do before you miss something very important in your life. The Baba was even asked by the young lady if it was food and he replied that it was o and that he did it with his wife regularly. Well, for me, my problem is not with the ethical consideration of this matter but with the fact that the Baba wanted to go five times. I hear the authorities at Ife are looking into the matter which leaves the issue of number of rounds for me to unravel. Well, after going through the conversation six times with the last time in church, I have come to the conclusion that the Baba seeing just how elusive the young lady has been and coupled with the fact that he would not have lasted more than one minute on the encounter and not wanting to feel cheated decided to spread the encounter over a five-day period so that he can achieve five minutes of undiluted pleasure. Don’t forget that he is a professor of Accounting and as such he would have done the maths. So my people, doing five minutes over a five-day period as a baba with a young and nubile lass is not so much to ask for na? kai, wisdom will not kill me. Seriously though, this is one soldier shot down, but is the society not filled with this type of relationship? Now everybody will put on their saintly garbs and scream blue murder when in some way, we are all guilty. It’s the system. Who is clean?
 
Isale Eko Berths at Wema Bank
What most people have forgotten is the long and rich pedigree of Wema Bank which started business as the Agbonmagbe Bank. I hear they are the oldest indigenous financial institution in the country starting business over 100 years ago in Lagos. So it is no surprise that the bank has finally come home to roost by agreeing to partner with ISALE EKO, the massively popular theatrical production produced by me ooooooo!!!!!!!  It comes back to the Muson this June. By the time you read this, the Managing Director of Wema bank, Mr Segun Oloketuyi would have hosted the cast led by legendary actor Yemi Shodimu to a meet and greet at his expansive offices on the Marina. The Duke? I will be there o just in case they give us ALAT. ALAT, you understand?

The Nook – A look
Titi Oshodi is a beautiful damsel with the brains of a Harvard Professor, I tell you. She has just opened a hub for the very serious connoisseur of clean living in Alausa. You should go there to understand what I am talking about. The Nook is a cultural hub that would cater for the intelligentsia, people of culture and the sophisticated gentry who understand the need for a relaxed atmosphere while reenergising in this our crazy Lagos. Titi is married to Demola Oshodi my man and also a powerful aide to the Asiwaju who is soft spoken but also very deep. No wonder working together, they have created this oasis of blitz on the mainland.