T.Y. Danjuma: A Volcanic Statement

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Loud Whispers

It was the legendary K.O.Mbadiwe, that colourful political titan that used to use gargantuan words to describe seismic political occurrences. So as I was looking for a befitting headline for this my piece, I started thinking of all the big words in my lexicon and could only come out with this word ‘volcanic’ to describe the statement attributed to this statesman during the last convocation ceremony at the Taraba State University. You see, I belong to an online group made up of my colleagues in my former office – Habib Bank. The arguments there are really passionate and I must say volcanic at times. This Danjuma matter is being discussed there vigorously even as I write. The positions for and against are deep just as they are, nationwide. All sorts have been said about the man since he opened his volcanic mouth and I have learnt so much about him that I didn’t even know before. But the truth of the matter is the need for us to look critically at the statement and not to go too far away. The allegations against some elements within the Army, are they true or not? Simple. We are not interested in knowing if he was the one who slapped Ironsi or if he has been dodging taxes since independence or if he was part of the problem or if he too has committed his own massacres last April. Let’s just stay focused on his statement and seek to find the truth. The onus is on the authorities to set up a panel of inquiry and invite him to show proof; while they themselves look deeply into the matter. If he is proved right, work with him and other right-thinking people to seek solutions and if it is a fallacy then we unleash volcanic consequences on him. This I believe is the right thing to do instead of all this journey towards history and gargantuan perpetuations with meaningless cacophonous implications on the solitary… You people should not let me unleash o. I can be crazy with English Language o.

…That PDP Apology
That apology is the one they say, ‘e get as e be’. The Chairman of PDP, Chief Uche Secondus, who I must say is a brilliant gentleman has been reported to have apologised to Nigerians for the 16 years of the locust his party and their supermen took the nation through. Well, what can we say but that we have forgiven them especially if we consider what we are seeing today which is making their own look like child’s play. This country is rugged and I must give it to the Nigerian spirit. We cannot be cowed o. If after going through the 16 years of misrule and arrant perfidy we still stood as a people to vote in this kind change then we are really a nation of mad people. Kai, come and see suffering in the land. Everybody is suffering o, people can no longer eat. People are being killed on a daily basis so that cows can live. Families are being broken; a major feeling of hopelessness is everywhere and even Bill Gates came and said the same thing. I hear he refused to eat at the Dangote wedding party. My friend, a waiter at the Eko Hotel told me. He said he watched the man closely as he stared blankly at the lavish display of naked wealth amidst some of the most glaring poverty anywhere in the world. He lost his appetite. I tell you, they said when they put the food in front of him he almost threw up. A country where the life expectancy is less than 58, a country where there is no infrastructure and then people are carrying on like they are related to the Sultan of Brunei. Bill Gates just tire. He  called his wife, Melinda, and said over the phone.” Darling, this people are crazy mennnnnn’’. I tell you, we are crazy mennnnn. My brother, Secondus, he pass apology. After raping a virgin, na sorry you go talk? I don’t like this because it will now form precedence because APC will now come and be giving us apology, no na.

Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu – Happy Birthday to You Sir
I was privileged to sneak into your 60th birthday celebration some years ago and I must tell you, it was a wonderful experience as I ate to my heart’s content. I ate o. Kai, but this year they have declared a public holiday and have blocked all the roads from Shomolu to Victoria Island so I will just respect myself and sit down. That you are a leader I respect cannot be faulted hence the desire to write your biography with my partner, Segun Akande, who has run away now to England due to the harsh economic realities in our country. Sir, you see, after trying our hands on entrepreneurship with very terrible results, we suddenly decided to embark on the book project as our way out of grinding poverty.

We had approached your team with the aim of writing a mini-biography of you especially the role you played in foisting this government on us. We made a headway o, as we were invited into your Bourdillon home where I had the privilege of watching you very closely,  as you jump from one room to the other with your steward chasing you around with your lunch. When the man was tired of running after you with a tray in hand, I beckoned him to bring the food and he ignored me. Sir, if I can get his name I will send to you so that you can help reprimand him for me. Anyway, that day you shook my hands and stared blankly at me since you did not recognise me or even know me. Well, that was your wahala, for me, I had arrived since I was in your house with the likes of Wale Edun, Tunji Bello, and Senator Ganiyu Solomon, who almost hugged me and gave me his numbers and then when I called him the next day, he said wrong number. I just tire for this people. Anyway, we could not get the permission from your people to go ahead with the project and in frustration, Segun migrated and I went on to become the Duke of Shomolu. Well, let me say I do not begrudge you and also to inform you that I have started work on an unauthorised version of your biography which would be published in exile. Happy birthday the lord of Bourdillon and may you continue to reign over us in peace and prosperity. God bless you sir.
Aliko Dangote, Tony Elumelu and Jim Ovia – ‘’Envy is Killing Me’’
So they have announced that Dangote will earn N100b, Tony will earn N1.5b and Jim will earn N1b just from dividend on shares they hold in their respective businesses. Kai and this lami Yoruba boy will be telling me that my own shares in Hamilton and George, a company we formed together have potential. The man keeps telling me potential when these big boys are creaming off. Well, you see why Tony is always on Instagram doing superman. Why won’t he with this kind of amount hitting his bank accounts. I am so envious of these people. Jealousy is killing me like they say in Shomolu. The one that really pains me is that Uncle Tony who will just be chancing us on social media as if we are mates, any time he posts those his pictures in the gym, you will just be seeing all our little children following him and liking his picture and when I post, you will see nobody liking me. How will they like me, with the kind of dividend they are posting how can I ever compete? Anyway, no problem, we give God all the glory. He only knows why these things happen. My brothers have worked hard. They should be allowed to enjoy the trappings of their hard work even though the monies are far much larger than some state budgets, no problem. There is God ooooo.

Leave Dino Melaye Alone
I watched the video like every other Nigerian and took pity on him. What exactly has the man done wrong that he is being hounded like this all over the place? Is he the one massacering people on the Benue-Plateau basin? Abeg, Dino is very far from the problems that we are facing in the country. I have asked that one to join me in very strong MFM-type prayers but he would not listen and be carrying that his big head all over the place and be singing war songs as if those songs will save him from all these wahala. Look Dino, wherever you are, kneel down now and put your hands on your head and scream after me, ‘’ALL MY ENEMIES IN LOKOJO, FATHER LORD RELEASE FIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Do this 21 times before you leave your room. Also drink four bottles of olive oil. Don’t go near the other room for 21 days and give out alms to the needy. That one I can assist you with the disbursement. If all these fail and you are still being hounded, just run abeg. I cannot cry.