Atiku Abubakar: Not His Will


By Joseph Edgar

The call came very late in the night, you know being the Duke of Shomolu is such a taxing job which takes a lot from me physically and emotionally. So, I do not joke with my night’s rest. But the persistence of the call caught my attention. Which kain wahala be dis? Since the unfortunate killing of the young Bello allegedly by his madam, I had started putting my phone in a cellophane bag after wrapping with a newspaper and putting it in the same box where we keep rat poison before storing it just above the water heater in the bath which is for my exclusive use.

We cannot take some of these things lightly again. The caller was lucky because I had forgotten to switch off the phone and I immediately began to thank the Lord because this could have led to my stabbing if the call was from Jumo…. Kai, the life of a Nigerian man is ‘short, brutish and laborious. Anyway, I picked the call and it was none other than the Turaki himself, Alhaji Atiku Abubakar. He wanted to see me urgently because he was about to take a decision that would be announced very early the next day and he wanted my input since he relied on me for so many of his positions. Kai, I had to go o. I had to leave Shomolu and head up to where he was staying. Na national duty and no amount of sacrifice would be too small. As I walked in, I met Turaki looking really worried, the last time he was in this mood was when OBJ had just launched his book – My Watch. On sighting me, he went straight to the point. He was irritated by APC, the party could not deliver his ambition and as we all know, he had the manifest destiny to rule us whether we like it or not. In fact, we, Nigerians, have no say in the matter. He was thinking of leaving the party especially with that short El-Rufai irritating him with all those mischievous statements.

He wanted to know my thoughts. Kai, this was a tough one. I sat down on the sofa near him, asked for food first and small palm wine. They brought in afang and fufu not minding that this was 2am, I devoured it. like I had said earlier on, it was all for the good of Nigeria or why else am I the Duke of Shomolu? A title that I got not from any election and as such, I did not have to contend with people like this El-Rufai and Tinubu. Before I continue, let me describe the lady who served the food. This Turaki na classy guy o. He always has them and that is one major reason you see me jump each time he calls. The lady had the shape of an angel and skin as smooth as alabaster.

I was ready to be stabbed for this one o. I will even buy the knife. Well, back to the matter on the ground. I had to give Turaki the best advice. This was the most important decision of both our careers and that meant that adequate thought had to be put before we arrived at a decision. I looked at the matter on the ground. Sai baba although has not said anything, his body language is showing that he may want to re-contest and even if he did not, that Yoruba Lion in Bourdillon is still there to contend with. So, the more I looked at the thing, the more I could see that the APC ticket will never be our own. So, I advised him to jumpship. He looked at me with fear, asking if I was sure. I said, of course sir, Jump. He was scared o. he was shaking. He loved APC especially the ankara they used to wear during campaigns. He had just bought plenty of the ankara, so what will he do with them. I looked at him with anger and shouted, ‘oga focuses’. Please let’s take our wahala go. He wanted to know where we will go.

I said PDP, he screamed EDGARRRRRRRRRR, OR WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELF? What will I do with OBJ? Don’t you know that one will rather get castrated rather than have me win that ticket? I reminded him that castration was not only physical but that the Baba at his age did not really need that weapon anymore, he had sufficiently exhausted it over the years.

So please the only person there is Fayose and that one can be talked out of the race with some ‘agege bread and palm wine’. As I left, Atiku looked squarely into my eyes and asked one last time, ’Duke, are you sure of this’? In response, I stared back at him and said, baba let’s do this, why are you doubting? Were you not there when I advised Obama to run? Were you not there when I asked Mugabe not to resign and also advised Okoroacha to embark on a robust statue building initiative?As we speak my statue is being built in Imo. It’s just that I did not like the size of my head that is why it has not been unveiled. Well, Atiku seems to have taken my advice and promptly ran into a strong turbulence of public disdain. Kai, I am in hiding. He has been calling, looking for me. Me ke? I no be Shomolu Duke for nothing o. He will not see me o, I no fit trust wetin he will do to me o. Where is that my APC card? I need to keep it close to my chest o. Na wa. Only in Nigeria.