Madam Taraba: Will You Marry Me?


Ever since you came into our consciousness with that your bold statement and your continued posture as it concerns your position vis-a-vis your support for this your one-in-town godfather, I have been making subtle investigations about your marital status. I really would like to marry you if you are available and if you are not, I will not mind going into strenuous negotiations with your husband in a bid to reach a mutually acceptable position that will see you resume as the newest Duchess of Shomolu. The reason for this my interest in you is simply because of your outright boldness and courage in an environment of sycophants and two-faced marabouts that pretend to be selfless while feathering their own nests. I am really not interested in the reasonableness or otherwise of your position but in the fact that you were bold enough to say what you said. Sweetheart, it takes a lot of courage to stand in front of a nation of over 100 million people to spew out such “crap” and own it. Lesser beings would have claimed “printer’s devil” but you stood firm o and even continued to make more annoying claims. You see why I have fallen in love with you because with someone like you in my house, all these yeye people fighting for my Dukeship and throne – will have you to contend with.

You will stand firmly by me, and profess your support for my reign even though I really have not done anything tangible for my people except go on social media and marry as many women that I can possibly marry. Seriously speaking sha, I think you should just resign because we are facing very serious challenges as a nation and really do not need this type of distraction. A serious political player is swearing by a leader for the sole reason that he is “my godfather”. You people are not just tired. I will rather vote for Biafra and join them rather than see an Atiku Presidency. What is it? Is it by force, must he be President at all costs even at 75 years? Abeg, you people should leave the stage and let the newer generation who really understand global economic and political dynamics take the reins of power and see what they can do with it.  Madam, if our President will not be naïve enough to sack you, you sef go na. Abi how can you be serving two leaders or can you marry two husbands? Choose ye today who ye shall follow, Buhari, Atiku or me? You cannot choose all three of us. Choose today mummy.

Senator Ita-Giwa Brings Down the Oriental Hotel
Ekanmi is a very classy and focused lady. On Sunday, she took her new-found passion for the climate to the Oriental Hotel where she – perfectly using dance, drama and storytelling, told the story of climate change. This was all the more poignant if you consider the fact that while she was strutting the stage, the people of Benue were suffering from the vagaries of the flood from the Benue River, all sorts of hurricanes with sexy names – Harvey, Irma were dealing several painful blows to some states in the United States. Mummy has decided to take the gospel of climate change to heart, pitting it side by side with her first love which remains the plight of her Bakassi people. She pulled in a large crowd of influential people, supported by one of my favourite banks – Heritage. She sweetly told the story of climate change in a beautiful ensemble of colours and out-of-this-world costumes. I was so thrilled that I sat glued to my seat and wishing that the show would not come to an end. Well done mummy, but who was that pretty damsel that danced by your left hand side? She was so demure and I kept winking at her, but looked like she did not see me. I am hoping that there will be another show so that I can better position myself to catch her attention. Kai. What a wonderful extravaganza! Well done, Ekanmi.

Sai Buhari: Ignore Them Pls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sir, how you are today and I hope the recovery is going according to plans? Do not forget to eat plenty vegetables and stay clear of the other room at least for the rest of the year. I have written you so many letters without getting a response from you. I am sure the very famous cabal has been keeping away my letters from you. I will not give up even as I send this one again because it is of a critical national importance. I am kneeling down in my bedroom, stark naked with mosquitoes feasting on my butt (no vex, no power for Shomolu for one month) and begging you not to LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE ASKING FOR A SECOND TERM FOR YOU O). I am really begging you and will embark on a full prayer vigil that should last at least 30 minutes and will involve me not eating or drinking the whole time so that God will blind you and make you deaf to these enemies. You have done so much for us within the period of your leadership and seriously even in your absence the country did not implode and we even managed to come out of recession.

The corruption battle is being waged fiercely, leakages have been blocked, the naira is firming up and the recent report by the Bureau of Statistics is showing steady progress. Although I do not like the way you are treating our Igbo brothers, ignoring them and making funny appointments especially the ones at the NNPC, you have still performed creditably well. You need this rest to go take care of your health. You need to midwife a credible transition, thereby writing your name in the books of glory. I know you are a great man and will not allow the shallowness that surrounds you to make you take a decision that would be inimical to your place in history. Do not get me wrong, a second term is your constitutionally guaranteed right and let’s forget what you might have said or not said about a second term during your desperation to get the Presidency. The best that can happen to you right now considering your age, health and present circumstances is not to run. Let me confess, I did not vote for you last time and if the contest this time is between you and our godfather – Atiku, you will get my vote but then again, that would be a very painful vote you will be getting. God will guide you and give you the wisdom to listen to this little voice crying from the darkness that is in Shomolu. Stay blessed sir.

Re: Akwa Ibom Churches as Parastatals
Dr. Reuben Abati is one of my favourite writers on the same class as Segun Adeniyi. Although if a gun is pointed at my head to choose one out of the two, I will choose Segun simply because he writes with less academic fervour than Dr. Abati. All the same, I still love reading the good doctor anytime I come across his write-ups. His article with the above title was a masterpiece. Apart from the information it contained, it beautifully illustrated the issue that bedevils my home state. The church is truly very central to the lives of our people. Everybody belongs to one church or the other while still practising the animist code which means witchcraft is still very influential in the lives of the people. Every family has a pastor and a witch. Some families have more witches than pastors, while others share them equally. So, it will just make sense for any serious government to use its all-encompassing influence on the people as a vehicle for penetrative mobilisation and cohesion. Just like some others like Abiola, Jim Nwobodo and much more recently, Ifeanyi Ubah have used football as their own vehicle.

So, in this instance, these pastors realising the desperation of the government to exploit the popularity of Christianity in the state have turned their pulpits to de facto ministries of information, corralling and herding the people towards the government. I really do not know what position to take on this matter as to the rightness or wrongness of the matter but to request the governor and his government not to take advantage of the gullibility of the people in serving them. The people swear by their pastors and their witches and any government with a stronghold of both symbols is literally holding the people by the balls.  That said, I expect responsible governance, fair play and justice. Anything short of this would amount to the rape of the people and nothing can be more painful than when you rape a people weakened by religious institutions and its symbols of social cohesion. I hope the governor is listening. Meanwhile in my own family, we have six pastors on both sides, 12 elders, one former witch and a Duke.

Clara Mshelia Whyte: A Desrved Shout Out
Clara is more than a friend. She is a sister and a mother, a beautiful lady with features of the Shuwa Arab. Her eyes can melt Fayose’s heart and her skin laminates in the sun like the jewels that are locked up in the towers that hold the Queen of England’s crown jewels. It was her birthday during the week and she dutifully carried her handsome son – Jaden, aided by her husband, my brother, Uwem Whyte and dodged. I had reminded myself not to eat that day and had dared the floods that pervaded our Lekki area to her house and like the comedian who went virile during the Sallah break for not getting ram to eat as a result of his hosts turning to Christ, I was refused food, with Clara claiming that she was travelling. I began to pray that she bought Arik ticket for the possibility of cancellation was high and this would bring her back home to give me the food. But alas, I no see Clara o talkless of that her steward who I must say is one of the best cooks in this part of town. Anyway, I will not wish her happy birthday and a glorious life until she comes back and gives me my food and cake. Till then, I say may God bring you and Jaden back safely to me. I am waiting.

Donald Duke: With Duke I Stand
I will climb the mountain of Gilgal, holding a white flag and looking at the children of Nigeria drawn by the need for selfless governance, respect for human rights, equality and dynamic leadership and proclaim my stand for Donald Duke as my candidate for the 2019 presidential election. My position is borne out of the strong belief that Nigeria of today needs a leadership that can plug on the global economic trends, unlocking our tremendous potential as the largest market in black Africa that would grow wealth that will now cascade throughout the length and breadth of the country, irrespective of what part of the country you come from. I was in a brief meeting with Hon. Wale Oluwo, the Lagos Commissioner for Energy and the kind of ideas that were coming out of that young man’s mouth amazed me and evidently showed me just how youth and freshness will take us out of the morass of ethnicity and shallow, parochial politics.

Donald is not my godfather o and I have no loyalty to him but to Nigeria. The man never even take my call since Chike Ogeah give am my number. I have met him only thrice in my life: once when he was governor and my great mentor, Albert Okumagba, took me to his office and the other times were when I greeted him during one of the charity events his wonderful wife organised and was supported by UBA. Apart from these, I can boldly say, that I no know the man. But his politics, outlook and zest for a new Nigeria as can be gleaned during his stint in Cross River and ever since, tell me very clearly that he symbolises a true new Nigeria. A Nigeria that will be technically savvy; a Nigeria that will give equal opportunities to all and sundry who have value to give and a Nigeria that will transform the over 75 million youths, who throng the Internet daily into an army of transformational wealth. Let’s look at this guy again.