Rotimi Amaechi : The God Mentality

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I really did not want to say anything about this matter because seriously I am tired of this Rivers wahala. But on second thought, let me say one or two things. I have read that my brother, Honourable Amaechi has sworn that he would never allow Senator Magnus Abe contest for the governorship of Rivers State come 2019. If this is not God mentality, I really do not know what is. We like playing to different tunes. This was the same person we all gave our support and tears when Mama Peace was squeezing, today he is ‘terrorising’ Abe who stood by us during all those trying times. Some of these things beat my imagination which just weakens me. My lord, can’t the people decide for once who they really want to lead them? When will we witness true democracy in our land? Even the Abe sef, what else does he want to offer us that he has not offered before? Let Rivers State breath, let us have fresh blood. I know this is a dream that will never happen. But who says we cannot dream.

Dino Melaye : Time for Action
Just last week here, I wrote about this wonderful senator. I had talked about his performance as the main reason why I felt the on-going recall may not come to fruition. But it is looking like I spoke too soon o. Reports reaching us state that his enemies have collected about 188,588 signatures out of 360,098 who voted. This is bad o and I must say that time to sing or release another song has come o. I hear INEC has received the signatures and the processes may just begin. But egbon, fret not, there is nothing in this our Nigeria that has no solution. I have placed a call to Prophet Joshua on this matter and even though the call did not go through, I am sure that as long as the call rang out and the holy man sees the missed call, everything will be solved and we will be singing another song of ‘freedom’ very soon. Last time I had a problem like this, although mine was not this serious, I rushed with the pictures of my foes to the mountain at Ikotun and submitted myself to a series of fasting and mountainous climbing. By the time I came down, the signatures were not only recalled but I was given another mandate. So my Lord, whenever you are ready, let us move, my thinking is that if we wait for the Prophet who I hear is in Jerusalem, things might have gone wrong o. There is this other baba at Oworonshoki, I use him occasionally. He is good. You will however have to shave your beards, come with two passport pictures, one full-sized picture of Governor Bello, a strand from his beards, his father’s finger nails and also water from the River Niger for the action. Speed is of the essence, this thing has gone too far.

ETISALAT : A Swan Song
They fought a spirited battle, they showed tremendous resolve to overcome this wahala but it seems the whole thing may have been too much for them. We hear that a consortium of banks led by Access bank may have finally taken them over. This is as a result of maybe their inability to reach a mutually acceptable position on the huge debts they had garnered. This is really sad and I suspected this would happen last week. I was in someone’s office (you know I am an investment banker) having a short meeting when the chairman of Etisalat called. My host was doing some jobs for them on the negotiations and immediately, his handsome face went pale and ashen. He lost his composure. When he dropped the phone, he told us who was on the other line and we did not need to ask any question. We sensed it was over even as he ushered us out of his office. The bankers are only after their funds of which they have a responsibility to their own stakeholders and I am sure they will do everything within their powers to ensure that while getting their funds out, they keep the boat sailing. The brand is such a vibrant brand and to show mu support, I walked into their Awolowo road outlet to buy N2,000 data. Pele dear, it will be well. Don’t worry my people.

Dbanj welcomes the King
This highly talented guy is a bad liar. Last year when the buzz about his marriage was all over the place, I paid him a visit at his palatial Lekki abode. In between bouts of hot Eba and well made okro soup, I looked squarely into his eyes and asked him if it was true that he was married. He too looked squarely into my eyes and told me NO. well, I did not want to push as I was getting ready to ask for another plate and did not want to risk refusal, I left it. Today, he has just announced the birth of his newborn son and the whole world and I remain highly excited for him. He is a trusted and loving brother and this new addition would finally set him on the path of true fulfilment both in his career and his life. Congrats my paddy. When is the party?

Reno Omokri: Uncle Lai, Let Me Handle this One
This man no dey fear o. The way he writes and dares people is unimaginable. Be like say he has read all the bilateral agreements between Nigeria and the US confirming that there is no treaty that would úmaruDikko’him. His regular and persistent attack on great people like Uncle Lai leaves much to be desired and I must say that I am not enjoying it one bit. Everyday, this ‘boy’will just be abusing uncle Lai like say he was there when the great spokesman was born. We must respect elders at all times. Look, Reno I hear you were my junior in secondary school and I must tell you that you were lucky that I did not meet you otherwise, I would have severely punished you for all these atrocities you are committing. In fact, I am pushing for your expulsion from our school Alumni, thereby effectively blocking you from holding any executive position in the association and barring you from attending the 40th anniversary of the school coming up this October. It is not as if you even can attend because if you are cited anywhere in Lagos, we will unleash all the Eyo masquerade to pursue you into the lagoon , the one near the Oba’s Palace. I do not even think you are a true commando sef. Which year did you attend the school and did you use to sneak into the female hostel at night? Did you receive lashes of the Koboko during the morning assembly, did you use to go into the jungle for cocoa, did you eat remnants, did you do labour and were you a volleyball player? If you cannot answer all these questions, then I doubt your integrity and by extension your credentials to be yabbing Uncle Lai the way you have been doing. This is me sending you a very serious warning to desist and do not even think this yourself exile will protect you from me when you exhaust my patience. I am the Duke of Shomolu and my kingdom knows no boundaries. Ask my landlord and he will tell you how I stole all the meat from his pot in the middle of the night flying on a broom. I am permanently behind Uncle Lai and will do everything within my powers to defend what he stands for as a true Nigerian patriot and please do not ask me what he stands for, that should not be my problem this morning abeg, my house is flooded.

Nicholas Okoye: A Brilliant Guy
I used to know him as Nicholas Okoye, when he turned to Nick, I really do not understand o. You know this guy men, they can do anything to maintain the shakara. Today is not to yab Nick but to praise him. Ever since this Biafra thing, all sorts of commentators, both charlatans and serious-minded ones like myself have continued to contribute to the discussion on opposing sides. None to my mind has driven home the point like my brother Nick or should I say Nicholas. In his write-up published by THISDAY last Saturday, Nick perfectly situated the debate. He told us that the lack of political patronage suffered by the Igbo did not make them marginalised within the country especially if you juxtapose that with the fact that they are the most economically viable nation within the group. He also opined that they have the largest per capita income within the federation and the control of strategic parts of the whole economy. He cited manufacturing, pharmaceuticals, spare parts, services as some of the key sectors of the economy in total control by the Igbo. He went on to mention a long list of markets nationwide also under their control so if they cannot parlay all these into political relevance, who but themselves would they blame. What I have learnt from all these is that we Akwaibom people have suffered. We only came to this Nigeria to eat Afang and Fufu. If there should anybody crying for marginalisation, na we o. We no get anything and no dey anywhere. I am constrained to launch my own campaign and also give October deadline for all Ibibio people to secede. Let us go with our women and our Ekpannkukwo and seek our salvation elsewhere. This Nigeria is not for us. I hereby declare myself the Nnamdi Kanu of Akwa Ibom, but first I hope we now allow conjugal visits in our prisons, if not, abeg let’s leave the campaign o. we really do not mind the marginalisation. Akwa Ibom Isongoooooooo!!!!!!!!!